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....And I'm still blocked, it seems.
11 years ago
Ever had depression for more than two weeks, continuously? If you did, that's me. Anytime I return to reality, the feeling of "I'm lazy, nothing is fun, I hate everything, I shouldn't exist, I should cut my wrists off and swallow a whole box of sleeping pills" come in full force (down to thinking what to write in my suicide note). As a result, I've been drowning in games lately. Even managed to finish Obscure (Resident Evil-styled survival horror for the PS2) in one sitting with my GF playing alongside me in coop (despite the fact she didn't know how to switch weapons, even at the last boss). And surprisingly, zero cheats (except maybe savestating before tough sections. Yay emulators!). Was the first time I've finished a survival horror without a pile of cheats AND the first time I've ever finished a game in coop. Plus the sex later that night. And the night after. ;)
However, anytime I try to sit and art ANYTHING at all, I can't. Sketches look horrible, my mind drifts off and I keep pushing my drawing time to later. Worse, I feel deathly guilty for all those people in line for commissions (and the ones that ask but give up after seeing how fricken' long I'm taking).
I think the best way to describe my arting issue is that I feel very negative before even starting. You know when you have to do a tough, tedious or frustrating task, like some school homework? It's a similar feeling. Worse, when I do actually manage to try something, my mind instantly crucifies anything I try to do as "shitty". I used to have similar issues with games (that led me to cheating madly) but now those are gone, unless the game is really, really frustrating the shit out of me. Maybe it's practice (since in the days I used to draw comics, art was plentiful), maybe I need to be forced into it (like during long trips or boring classes, where I draw a dozen pages of sketches). Might be the first, since the best word to describe what I feel before or during art is "Fear", which can be also used to describe like half the things I -think- of doing. Hell, I have to go downtown to solve some of my mother's document bullshits, but I'm already pushing it off to later at thinking how the office must be crowded, how it'll take long and so on. Yay negativity!
Anyway, should end this rant here. And...probably go back to Sacred 2. Merf. :C
However, anytime I try to sit and art ANYTHING at all, I can't. Sketches look horrible, my mind drifts off and I keep pushing my drawing time to later. Worse, I feel deathly guilty for all those people in line for commissions (and the ones that ask but give up after seeing how fricken' long I'm taking).
I think the best way to describe my arting issue is that I feel very negative before even starting. You know when you have to do a tough, tedious or frustrating task, like some school homework? It's a similar feeling. Worse, when I do actually manage to try something, my mind instantly crucifies anything I try to do as "shitty". I used to have similar issues with games (that led me to cheating madly) but now those are gone, unless the game is really, really frustrating the shit out of me. Maybe it's practice (since in the days I used to draw comics, art was plentiful), maybe I need to be forced into it (like during long trips or boring classes, where I draw a dozen pages of sketches). Might be the first, since the best word to describe what I feel before or during art is "Fear", which can be also used to describe like half the things I -think- of doing. Hell, I have to go downtown to solve some of my mother's document bullshits, but I'm already pushing it off to later at thinking how the office must be crowded, how it'll take long and so on. Yay negativity!
Anyway, should end this rant here. And...probably go back to Sacred 2. Merf. :C
My own life wasn't too pleasant then, and it sounds like yours isn't either, so that's definitely a contributing factor. But really, one of the things you have to do with creative works of any kind is silence the inner editor. He can be a useful thing - he can ensure you don't get too complacent, keep you improving constantly instead of stagnating, even ensure that you are maintaining a proper creative direction. But you must listen to him through the lens of a curmudgeonly old bastard who is known to accentuate the negative in everything. What he says isn't to be taken literally.
You are your own worst critic. There will always be that voice in your head telling you what you're doing is crap. Don't listen. It turns out this applies to a lot of stuff in real life, as well - learning a new skill, doing a new job, or just... living.
What really beat the problem for me was NaNoWriMo - perhaps you should look into doing an Iron Artist challenge, similar to that. If you give yourself a deadline and a whole bunch of work, you stop caring overmuch about the quality of it and are forced to just get it done without thinking about it. As you said yourself, the best way to get writing or drawing is to force yourself into it!
*hugs* I hope you kick your depression soon. You've always worried me with that for how long you've been struggling with it.
But it seems to be a side effect of negativity. Hell, even in games today I feel it. They say the best method is the Nike motto, "Just do it". If only it was that easy.
Hmm...the iron artist thing seems interesting. Might try that. I've attempted to start a 'daily sketch' thing, but it lasted literally two days. :c
Oh, it might be because I haven't drawn any vent art in a while. |D
I've said it several times before; depression is a bastard. I believe the few reasons I managed to stay above the threshold of going into a suicidal mood is because of my friends (IN town and Online). And I have very few friends as it is, but the ones I do have manage to help me out of my funks whether its just lending their ears to listen to me rant and giving me any helpful feedback, or just simply distracting me from my funk with just hanging out watching movies and shows, playing video games, or just traveling around.
I also know the feeling with the art. Only recently have I finally gotten back into sketching at least (after several months of being unproductive and lazy or busy). And while they are not the best quality I am amazed that I could get them to start looking closer to what I want. The attempts I tried months ago though, I had the same personal criticism mumbling in my head. If I didn't get a body part or expression right the first time I immediately called it crap. It also didn't help when trying to fix mistakes left all these marks that would just get in the way later if I tried to continue. I end up stopping five minutes in and calling it quits if my mojo just isn't flowing right.
But I think one of the comments above had a good idea. Perhaps we shouldn't worry so much on the quality right and just focus on the quantity. Whether any of such sketches are Scannable and Postable Worthy is up to us, but just getting back in the habit of laying down our ideas even if we have to redo it again, and again, might prove beneficial. The last sketch I posted took three revisions before I started seeing the mistakes I was making with the proportions. And even then; I STILL DON"T LIKE IT...but it got better with each new attempt. Practice can make...well, probably not True Perfect, but better at least.
I don't know if any of my musings help, but I do hope things get better for you soon. You are a great artist in your own way.
I know what you mean about starting something like homework. Art is often similar for me, in that looking at the blank canvas before starting something is very daunting, even frightening. But just like the big homework assignment, the best way to deal with it is to just start it and see how things go. If it gets difficult, stop and take a breather. I thought you were doing a lot better with your 1-hour-a-day work. I thought that was a great way to kind of force yourself to keep doing art, but without the pressure of having to finish something.
And don't worry about your commissions. It's good to just keep in touch and let people know what's going on, and they will be lenient. I think it's the lack of updates that bothers people, not the wait itself. We'll still be here.
Maybe you could try streaming again too, if nothing else than to have some company? Even if it's not all art. Something to think about!