I was just scrolling down my Facebook profile, trying to find a certain poem I couldn't find in my folders anywhere,
when I started running into my older pieces of art I've done. Like, the really early ones.
Then I saw this one, white bunny with gray markings and blonde, curly hair, a purple shirt and a rainbow scarf on
her. My first finished digital drawing ever. Damn, those feels.
Edit: Here's the bunny I'm talking about!

I was so freakin' happy back then. I can easily remember the moment when we were looking for my tablet in the
store in the central with my boyfriend. And the feelings after that, when I installed it and started looking for a program
to start drawing with (which, btw, was ArtRage 4.0). And when I started actually drawing. I remember laughing
and just constantly trying to get used to the feeling of the combination of the pen, the tablet and the screen.

And soon enough I did.
And then I started drawing.

I was like a kid in a room full of presents in Christmas. It was such a cliche, for an artist to get back into what she
really enjoys and at long last finally gets back into.

And I was so fast in art back then! When I scrolled down my Facebook timeline I noticed that it really took me
about 2-3 days to finish a shaded piece. And the descriptions of those pictures I posted? Full of excitement with
each one, full of confidence about getting better all the time, full of enthusiasm and pride and shamelessly
saying "Damn I'm good at this. I mean, look at this! It's fucking amazing. I'm so proud of myself!" out loud.

Which, to be honest, kinda makes me miserable as well... Looking at what I'm doing now. Not that I still wouldn't
think that I'm great at what I do, and getting better all the time with each piece that I do. But, just...
One person in your life can make all the difference.

My boyfriend was the one who encouraged me to get back into drawing since I kept talking about it so often.
(Edit: In the matter of fact he was my fiancé back then. Which makes this even more full of feelings.)
He was there and told me to get the graphics tablet even though I was on the edge 'cause it seemed a bit
expensive for my budget back then in the store.
He was the one smiling there, right beside me, asking me "Well, wasn't it good that you got this now? Aren't
you excited?" when we got out of the store.
He told me my first finished piece was really good for a first digital one 'cause he had heard that it's really
hard for some to get adjusted to the tablet.

And, well, looking at how things are now... I won't go more into the detail (unless you wanna know, just ask, it's
not a secret) but... He's just not there for me and my excitement and progress and all that anymore the way he
used to be... And with each piece I continue, make progress with and I'm pleased with the outcome... I'm just
not so happy about it anymore. I can't just show it to him and expect a good comment back. I can barely expect
him to turn his head without "doing this first" and then a comment of any sort... Which really depresses me.
Which, quite frankly might be the very root of why it's taken me months to even sketch out commissions I got
commissioned for months ago.


Such mixed feelings...
I seriously feel like crying at the moment.

Though I'm not gonna give up on drawing; art has become the soothing routine of my days, the thing that takes
my mind off of almost anything and everything else, something I know I'm good at when everything else fails.


Anywho.
I'm gonna use this weekend to do a comparison/"draw this again" thing of the mentioned bunny.

If you took the time to read this overly long flood of mixed feelings... Thank you. For what, I really don't know,
but I thank you still.
Have a good evening and weekend, all. ♥

You all mean the world to me since you've kept me going, you're here to encourage me when the closest to me
can't/won't. You have no idea how much I owe and love you all ♥