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This Is Going To Hurt. Part II
11 years ago
Basically, I'm made of pure WIN, 3 parts Awesome, and a touch of insecurity.
-Dakota Darkwolf
-Dakota Darkwolf
**The people who hurt me weren't furries. Please don't make assumptions, if you have questions you can note me. Debates will be removed
I wrote the previous blog on Monday night and posted it to my SoFurry where a grand total of two people read it. I've been blogging for about 10 years now. It's a need for me. Maybe its a cry of attention. Maybe I just need to remember important things that happened. Mostly, it's just for me.
I'm going to try and divulge some of my emtional side here, but I'm feeling nauseous and headachey about it. So we'll see how many times I have to edit this!
About two years ago I was raped. Soon, after that I just deleted the memory. "I was coerced." "I just regret it." And any other word, except 'raped.' No, I'm Dakota! I'm loud, and proud, and I stand up when I have a problem with something. But I didn't. Of course then entire time I'm off in my own little world, "I could just leave, couldn't I? I could just put on my clothes and quit." And I didn't. That's where most of my agony seems to be. I didn't quit, I was just there, between two people going through motions that... didn't really matter. She left after she failed to talk me in to relaxing, failed to make me cum. (Thank god, I didn't) But he and I stayed at his place. Again, I don't know why. The next morning he wanted to put a finger in my ass, okay I said. Then held me there, with a hand on the small of my back. But, I'm a wiggler. He didn't let me wiggle. Okay, so I had a bad night, with mediocre sex. The same line keeps running through my head. "What ever happens tonight, just let it happen."
Okay now that thats out of the way, Im feeling a little bit better. (Still not sure about posting something that explicit)
Why is this an issue today? Because when you finally admit to yourself that something tramatic happened to you, its hard, and it hurts. It's not the single most historic event that my life is revolving around, but finally accepting it, makes me feel a little bit more whole and a little more at peace.
Sunday night in the bathroom when my entire psyche was spilling onto the floor. Zeta was there to... not really help, but protect me in some sense, while I put the pieces back together again. I love you, Zeta.
It's because I love you, that I've had to accept myself. I want to love you with my whole self. Good. Bad. And Damaged.
http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brow.....hame#t-1090047
http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brow.....ility#t-954708
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Evwgu369Jw
I wrote the previous blog on Monday night and posted it to my SoFurry where a grand total of two people read it. I've been blogging for about 10 years now. It's a need for me. Maybe its a cry of attention. Maybe I just need to remember important things that happened. Mostly, it's just for me.
I'm going to try and divulge some of my emtional side here, but I'm feeling nauseous and headachey about it. So we'll see how many times I have to edit this!
About two years ago I was raped. Soon, after that I just deleted the memory. "I was coerced." "I just regret it." And any other word, except 'raped.' No, I'm Dakota! I'm loud, and proud, and I stand up when I have a problem with something. But I didn't. Of course then entire time I'm off in my own little world, "I could just leave, couldn't I? I could just put on my clothes and quit." And I didn't. That's where most of my agony seems to be. I didn't quit, I was just there, between two people going through motions that... didn't really matter. She left after she failed to talk me in to relaxing, failed to make me cum. (Thank god, I didn't) But he and I stayed at his place. Again, I don't know why. The next morning he wanted to put a finger in my ass, okay I said. Then held me there, with a hand on the small of my back. But, I'm a wiggler. He didn't let me wiggle. Okay, so I had a bad night, with mediocre sex. The same line keeps running through my head. "What ever happens tonight, just let it happen."
Okay now that thats out of the way, Im feeling a little bit better. (Still not sure about posting something that explicit)
Why is this an issue today? Because when you finally admit to yourself that something tramatic happened to you, its hard, and it hurts. It's not the single most historic event that my life is revolving around, but finally accepting it, makes me feel a little bit more whole and a little more at peace.
Sunday night in the bathroom when my entire psyche was spilling onto the floor. Zeta was there to... not really help, but protect me in some sense, while I put the pieces back together again. I love you, Zeta.
It's because I love you, that I've had to accept myself. I want to love you with my whole self. Good. Bad. And Damaged.
http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brow.....hame#t-1090047
http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brow.....ility#t-954708
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Evwgu369Jw
