You won't hear me admit fear of very many things in life, I am one of those men who like to hide behind a layer of 'bone-headedness', awkwardness, and dissociation by bad jokes, and in general maintain a rough around the edges exterior, so this is a moment of extreme weakness for me. Even my own boyfriend gets the rough side of me because I have a hard time opening up...

If anyone wants to psyche me or something, more on that later.

What I understand is... College, yeah. I'm turning 25 this year, and am finally beginning college. I'm recognized as an independent going in to this, and I've been on my own since I was 20, even before that to an extent because my parents hardly had the money to take care of me after my fifteenth birthday. So here I am, I'm accepted to a local college, beginning to register for classes, thinking I've done my FAFSA right. And I find out... No, there's three things I didn't do right, even though I've got more comprehension skills than 95% of other human beings, according to the testing. And even with someone showing me everything and guiding me through it at the campus today, I still have absolutely no idea. And to make it worse, the questions, I have no idea what questions to ask to figure out... Where this money is going to go, how I'm going to continue to make a wage that I can live off of, a plethora of things including supplies. The grants and federal loans only cover so much... I scrape by as is.

So that means I have to do more than collect every free penny I can, and the 9,500 the government will loan me that I can pay back(probably.) It's all in all a huge commitment financially, and if something, anything goes seriously wrong in the next 2 years I could be out all this money and be totally in debt and completely screwed. If I make it through college then yeah, I am fine, I'll be very employable... But my life has been one disaster after another, so I naturally expect something to go wrong. I don't want my hand to be held through life. but I really wish I had someone that could... But I really truly understand why so many people are afraid to take this step, and I no longer will criticize someone for not wanting to. It's just... Scary, I took a leap of faith moving in with Pan and his boyfriend, and it has somewhat worked out, I got lucky. I took a leap of faith dropping out of high school and getting a GED instead, that was a fuckup in my mind. That's also another thing that scares me, I've quit partway through so many times...

I won't say don't do college, it's a waste of money... But I won't accuse someone of just not wanting to take that step.