i'm really put down right now like

i can't stop thinking about how a "bad" art blog reblogged my art like a month ago and i feel like i'm never going to excel with my art and other people are so much better than me

i'm not even a terrible artist, i'm just mediocre and my art is boring and plain and all other artists at my level at least have an interesting style of coloring or lining and i'm just sitting here barely able to do anything for whatever reason

it's taken me 16 years to get this good at drawing shitty stuff and i feel like i'm at a stand still and even when my art gets better it's still so far behind everyone else and no one is interested in it

and since my anxiety shot up sky high i'm pretty much relying on commissions but 1) my dad keeps saying he's going to open a bank account for me to connect to my paypal and 2) no one's even interested

so now i'm scared i won't be able to go to mff when i've been looking forward to it all year now

and my family is too poor to give me enough and even when they have money i'm the very last person they think of

and wow all this topped up on all these other problems in life has got me in a hole dug too deep to get out of

not to mention school is starting soon and i don't even fuckin know if i made it past 10th grade because of all the fucking shit i went through including my house burning down, being out of school for a whole semester, and then not knowing what the fuck i was doing 4th semester and only passing one class

and then there's the issue of not knowing if i want to be with my boyfriend anymore because of that fucking trip to arkansas where he spent most of the time being around the guy he wants to fuck rather than me (keep in mind we're polysexual) so normally i wouldn't mind and i'm not super clingy i don't need a lot of attention but he was keeping secrets from me and spent barely any time with me and i was so fuckin scared he'd break up with me after we got back to go with this kid who just turned 15

and fuck can't i have any friends who aren't always thinking about sex because he was so nice and innocent and then my boyfriend comes along and decides to corrupt the fuck out of him and now all he talks about is sex and it doesn't help that i'm sex repulsed 80% of the time

i thought it'd be all over and the bad feelings would go away once we got back but i'm still being resentful because i do that when i feel hurt naturally to protect myself

and it's basically my fault because he's oblivious and has no idea there's any issues but i just don't know how is it that he doesn't/didn't notice that i was being ignored

i seriously have never felt such strong feelings like that before i thought i was going to burst and i still do i want to cry so much but i can't and i don't know why

sorry i don't normally vent here but it's the only place i feel comfortable venting because i don't want certain people to see it

man i just want things to stop being a huge fucking issue because that's all i have right now

huge issues i can't handle

sorry

i don't understand how you read this far but congratulations