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My fucking family sucks... why have I yet to commit suicide?
11 years ago
General
This blue book with green and yellow bindings says, "The Personal Diary and Record Book of Vinchenzo."
As title says, yes... indeed... an obviously true statement and a most perplexing anomaly.
My fucking family sucks... why have I yet to commit suicide? More like, why have I never succeeded in suicide...
Well, once again, every member of my family has locked themselves in their bedrooms... this is their solution to every situation in which I am horribly sad, and I am crying and sobbing hysterically, or I am horribly angry, and I am yelling and cursing. Even when I threaten to kill myself, whether sad or angry, and if I have a knife to my throat and my throat is bleeding, not once in my life has my family every intervened to talk to me. Never before in my life has my family ever once consoled me, never once in these 26 odd years of life, soon to be 27, has my family shown kindness compassion or sympathy to me when I am sad or angry. I am beginning to think they are trying to get me to commit suicide, especially since they react very angry and abusively when I have failed suicide attempts, by yelling at me, cursing, and even destroying my belongings.
I have no loving sibling or parent when it comes to these things. They all hope and pray to God I die...
So why am I alive? I don't know... maybe its because I can access a computer and phone. After-all, every time I have been convinced not to commit suicide, it has been because of such devices and the ability to contact others. Even more ridiculous, most of my attempts at suicide have been stopped by people visiting our home, never my family, sometimes in which they actually watch. So... I'm alive because people care about me being alive... but never my blood-kin... who feel the opposite.
I could go into the situation that has left me in my state. My parents do not pay their internet bills, relying on me and my siblings, while everyone in my family uses the internet. Even more annoying, we pay the bills. To complicate things further, we have a crappy satellite connection, a fully wireless internet, in which if more than one device uses the internet, all devices with the internet, excluding one, will stop functioning properly in regards to all things internet. Because I play online games, use Skype, and watch Youtube videos, this hinders me the most. My parents and siblings never have used such things before. They endlessly download pirated music and videos and focus more on texting and visiting weird and whacky websites offering 'miracle deals'.
This has been one of the last days I do not have to have my cousin living in my house and him having whole use of internet for the entire PM. Soon, I will have no access to Skype, Youtube, and Online Games again. And for over a week, my family has made it so that I only use the internet from as much as 2 hours to at least 1 hour a day. Though two days ago I never got to use the internet at all. I've gotten frustrated to an extreme. My mom was on a laptop browsing the internet for more 'miracle deals' and whispering to my step-dad about how great things exotic goods and cures and stuff that can do anything from 'change your life forever', 'perfect beauty', 'become younger' to 'cure cancer', and doing so for a full hour. I could not take them being in the same room as me, whispering to each-other over these things, while I ask every 15 minutes (4 times) "Are you on the internet?" and them answering, "Nope." I eventually confront them and they say I have no right to know what they are doing and spending their money on, and I should play more vidya games. I tell them what I have told them for over a year now. The internet does not function if more than one device uses it at our home, they are using the internet, and my computer's games will not run if they use the internet."Aw, isn't that too bad. Well, then go outside. Your bothering us." I can not express how irritated at that response, but it is a common response from both my mom and sister. I then go to my brother Erik, a fellow rape victim, homosexual, and anti-religious fanatic. "Why should I give a shit you can't talk with your friends or play games with them? Grow the fuck up and leave if its so bad for you." I then grow angry. I tell my mom we need a family meeting. "We'll do it tomorrow, I'm not talking to you now with how angry you are, demanding meetings and being allowed to play dumb games..." She goes to her room, slams the door and locks it with my step-dad with her. I go to Erik, who continues to use the internet on his Cell-Phone to look up funny photos of girls puking, and ask him to stop using his Cell-Phone so I can use the internet. "Fuck no! You can't tell me what to do.!" "Well if I can't use the internet to play my games or chat over Skype maybe you'd like to be the one paying all the expenses for the internet." "What, I already spend tons of cash at this house. I even buy you subs and junk food. I'm not spending money on something that I never use!" He then goes to his room, turns over, gives me the finger, and slams the door, and locks it. I then go and tell my parents and brother if I went suicide they wouldn't even care. "Then go do it!" Erik replies. My mom and step-dad, silent. I feel like shit and my family treats me like shit!
I don't even have friends that want me alive anymore. My lifelong childhood friend and fellow furry whose name I won't say because I love him and want him to succeed in life as an artist that much quit being my friend because I refused to become a Christian. He continues to make art, commissions, and is even painting, but refuses to be my friend until I become a Christian and accept God into my life. I mean, seriously, 13 years, and all that money spent on Christmas and Birthday gifts for him over the most recent, and he convinces me to overdose on my meds because he said the world we be better off if I committed suicide. He's no Barney the Purple Dinosaur, the opposite of friendly and kind, but with the same appearance if he had made a fursuit.
I'm just going to leave this journal up, if someone cares, they'll comment. Otherwise, I'm going to try overdosing again tonight. I failed, and my family hates me for failing and continue to talk about me being too weak to kill myself while my true, eternal friend couldn't give a shit that I am still alive. Maybe, I need someone who will say, "Don't give up! Never surrender, and turn that frown upside down!"... another person to call a true eternal friend like him, but who will care when I need compassion the most...
[edit] addition: I suppose I could mention other shit. Interesting conversation on Steam:
vinchenzojackal&soldier@bay: Life sucks unbearable... to the point its no longer worth living... I wonder how many people have been stuck on the edge of a blade and are just too damn heavy from sorrow to get off it? Seems its way too common place for my liking...
Rysir is now Online.
vinchenzojackal&soldier@bay: My so called fellow furry and good friend Resko from Texas went on a tangeant about how I should consider myself filth and scum no different from a murderer and rapist.
vinchenzojackal&soldier@bay: It seems people on Steam, and the furry community, suddenly find it funny when I post a comment less than half hour ago about what horrible situations my life is in several hours ago.
Rysir: You should not let it bother you because you know what they are saying is not true
vinchenzojackal&soldier@bay: Apparently if I'm suicidal, I'm evil, a monster. I told him I was raped, and he only used it as an excuse why I'm as bad as rapist, and why I should just shut up and die.
vinchenzojackal&soldier@bay: Well, what is true is that everyone I know outside the internet wants me to die, and my family is encouraging me to commit suicide.
It happened due to another conversation with a fellow furry, a Texan by the name of Resko Vakkradde. He attacked me basically for even considering suicide, and that people like me are worse than criminals like (see above). A devout Christian and member of the NRA... this should not surprise me.
I have shit online and offline, I made a journal, and sought sympathy, and apparently get attacked for it. It couples with my slow loss of eyesight hair and teeth I've been dealing with over the past decade. I'm 26... now... I might not be 27... I've been convinced via conversation with my fellow furries... the majority want me dead. Turns out Resko isn't the only one on Steam who doesn't care about me... but Rysir and Leongon really do. If you two don't hear anything from me for a while, its cause my pills the doctor prescribed me for sleep aids finally worked.
My fucking family sucks... why have I yet to commit suicide? More like, why have I never succeeded in suicide...
Well, once again, every member of my family has locked themselves in their bedrooms... this is their solution to every situation in which I am horribly sad, and I am crying and sobbing hysterically, or I am horribly angry, and I am yelling and cursing. Even when I threaten to kill myself, whether sad or angry, and if I have a knife to my throat and my throat is bleeding, not once in my life has my family every intervened to talk to me. Never before in my life has my family ever once consoled me, never once in these 26 odd years of life, soon to be 27, has my family shown kindness compassion or sympathy to me when I am sad or angry. I am beginning to think they are trying to get me to commit suicide, especially since they react very angry and abusively when I have failed suicide attempts, by yelling at me, cursing, and even destroying my belongings.
I have no loving sibling or parent when it comes to these things. They all hope and pray to God I die...
So why am I alive? I don't know... maybe its because I can access a computer and phone. After-all, every time I have been convinced not to commit suicide, it has been because of such devices and the ability to contact others. Even more ridiculous, most of my attempts at suicide have been stopped by people visiting our home, never my family, sometimes in which they actually watch. So... I'm alive because people care about me being alive... but never my blood-kin... who feel the opposite.
I could go into the situation that has left me in my state. My parents do not pay their internet bills, relying on me and my siblings, while everyone in my family uses the internet. Even more annoying, we pay the bills. To complicate things further, we have a crappy satellite connection, a fully wireless internet, in which if more than one device uses the internet, all devices with the internet, excluding one, will stop functioning properly in regards to all things internet. Because I play online games, use Skype, and watch Youtube videos, this hinders me the most. My parents and siblings never have used such things before. They endlessly download pirated music and videos and focus more on texting and visiting weird and whacky websites offering 'miracle deals'.
This has been one of the last days I do not have to have my cousin living in my house and him having whole use of internet for the entire PM. Soon, I will have no access to Skype, Youtube, and Online Games again. And for over a week, my family has made it so that I only use the internet from as much as 2 hours to at least 1 hour a day. Though two days ago I never got to use the internet at all. I've gotten frustrated to an extreme. My mom was on a laptop browsing the internet for more 'miracle deals' and whispering to my step-dad about how great things exotic goods and cures and stuff that can do anything from 'change your life forever', 'perfect beauty', 'become younger' to 'cure cancer', and doing so for a full hour. I could not take them being in the same room as me, whispering to each-other over these things, while I ask every 15 minutes (4 times) "Are you on the internet?" and them answering, "Nope." I eventually confront them and they say I have no right to know what they are doing and spending their money on, and I should play more vidya games. I tell them what I have told them for over a year now. The internet does not function if more than one device uses it at our home, they are using the internet, and my computer's games will not run if they use the internet."Aw, isn't that too bad. Well, then go outside. Your bothering us." I can not express how irritated at that response, but it is a common response from both my mom and sister. I then go to my brother Erik, a fellow rape victim, homosexual, and anti-religious fanatic. "Why should I give a shit you can't talk with your friends or play games with them? Grow the fuck up and leave if its so bad for you." I then grow angry. I tell my mom we need a family meeting. "We'll do it tomorrow, I'm not talking to you now with how angry you are, demanding meetings and being allowed to play dumb games..." She goes to her room, slams the door and locks it with my step-dad with her. I go to Erik, who continues to use the internet on his Cell-Phone to look up funny photos of girls puking, and ask him to stop using his Cell-Phone so I can use the internet. "Fuck no! You can't tell me what to do.!" "Well if I can't use the internet to play my games or chat over Skype maybe you'd like to be the one paying all the expenses for the internet." "What, I already spend tons of cash at this house. I even buy you subs and junk food. I'm not spending money on something that I never use!" He then goes to his room, turns over, gives me the finger, and slams the door, and locks it. I then go and tell my parents and brother if I went suicide they wouldn't even care. "Then go do it!" Erik replies. My mom and step-dad, silent. I feel like shit and my family treats me like shit!
I don't even have friends that want me alive anymore. My lifelong childhood friend and fellow furry whose name I won't say because I love him and want him to succeed in life as an artist that much quit being my friend because I refused to become a Christian. He continues to make art, commissions, and is even painting, but refuses to be my friend until I become a Christian and accept God into my life. I mean, seriously, 13 years, and all that money spent on Christmas and Birthday gifts for him over the most recent, and he convinces me to overdose on my meds because he said the world we be better off if I committed suicide. He's no Barney the Purple Dinosaur, the opposite of friendly and kind, but with the same appearance if he had made a fursuit.
I'm just going to leave this journal up, if someone cares, they'll comment. Otherwise, I'm going to try overdosing again tonight. I failed, and my family hates me for failing and continue to talk about me being too weak to kill myself while my true, eternal friend couldn't give a shit that I am still alive. Maybe, I need someone who will say, "Don't give up! Never surrender, and turn that frown upside down!"... another person to call a true eternal friend like him, but who will care when I need compassion the most...
[edit] addition: I suppose I could mention other shit. Interesting conversation on Steam:
vinchenzojackal&soldier@bay: Life sucks unbearable... to the point its no longer worth living... I wonder how many people have been stuck on the edge of a blade and are just too damn heavy from sorrow to get off it? Seems its way too common place for my liking...
Rysir is now Online.
vinchenzojackal&soldier@bay: My so called fellow furry and good friend Resko from Texas went on a tangeant about how I should consider myself filth and scum no different from a murderer and rapist.
vinchenzojackal&soldier@bay: It seems people on Steam, and the furry community, suddenly find it funny when I post a comment less than half hour ago about what horrible situations my life is in several hours ago.
Rysir: You should not let it bother you because you know what they are saying is not true
vinchenzojackal&soldier@bay: Apparently if I'm suicidal, I'm evil, a monster. I told him I was raped, and he only used it as an excuse why I'm as bad as rapist, and why I should just shut up and die.
vinchenzojackal&soldier@bay: Well, what is true is that everyone I know outside the internet wants me to die, and my family is encouraging me to commit suicide.
It happened due to another conversation with a fellow furry, a Texan by the name of Resko Vakkradde. He attacked me basically for even considering suicide, and that people like me are worse than criminals like (see above). A devout Christian and member of the NRA... this should not surprise me.
I have shit online and offline, I made a journal, and sought sympathy, and apparently get attacked for it. It couples with my slow loss of eyesight hair and teeth I've been dealing with over the past decade. I'm 26... now... I might not be 27... I've been convinced via conversation with my fellow furries... the majority want me dead. Turns out Resko isn't the only one on Steam who doesn't care about me... but Rysir and Leongon really do. If you two don't hear anything from me for a while, its cause my pills the doctor prescribed me for sleep aids finally worked.
