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Regarding anxiety
11 years ago
As an impromptu sequel to my previous journal, just want to further elaborate on how fucked up I am.
I've always been pretty shy since I was a toddler, I was usually timid to make friends and even talking to the cashiers in stores and restaurants as my earliest memories of the seeds of my anxiety. But that was the thing, I thought it was just general shyness, though recent years made me realize it's more serious than that.
I wasn't exactly anti-social during my school days, I did have friends, though the bullying I went through arguably made me apprehensive towards new people if they want to hurt me be it physically and/or emotionally. I treasured the few friends I did grow up with and the people I did manage to befriend once I first got the internet... Though I grew up during a time when we were told to never share your real name on the internet or photos of yourself or else people will come find and hurt you. This was before Myspace and Facebook completely changed those rules I to this day, am still more used to going by my alias and being mostly camera-shy.
However, I emphasize I'm not anti-social, but regardless of having online friends and cellphone contacts, 99% of the time I don't initiate conversations. Reason for this is my mind tends to trick me into believing I'd be bothering people or they're busy with something and in fear of being a nuisance, I get more used to others contacting me rather than me worrying I'd annoy them at a bad time.
This further becomes a problem whenever I feel lonely and isolated as I want to talk, but those thoughts get in the way and my anxiety temporarily evolves into paranoia. Wanting to be social, yet being too timid to approach people usually brings about fears that people are avoiding me or if I did something wrong or whatever.
I apologize to those who have me added but I don't say much or message you. I don't blame you for removing me as a result.
Other recent examples of me realizing my anxiety issues were going to interfere with my daily life was my brief attempt to move to Georgia; A little after I settled in, I ended up starving for 3 days because I was too timid to ask for a ride to the supermarket or to borrow a roommates' car. Much later at Anthrocon earlier this year, I felt a little overwhelmed by the crowd and a bit nervous despite being at the convention for the social interaction which I lack back home... and normally I usually had the most fun at AC, but my anxiety levels came and went periodically.
Hell, even I find myself being nervous doing streams, I guess stagefright of sorts. The desire to be an entertaining host to my viewers while I do streams to stay focused doing art and panicking when I can't think of something to do to keep the stream going. Just me DOING a stream are my occasional times I overcome my anxieties.
All this, on top of depression in which comes from regret that I didn't do or say something I wanted to on a daily basis, culminates into how I've been lately. Aside from game work and occasional commissions with the rare personal art, I've been doing all I can to try to get both my anxiety and depression under control.
I've been seeing a therapist and thankfully got an insurance I can afford while looking into medication I can take so I can be my old self when I was medicated a decade ago. Hopefully once I am medicated, I'll be back to my old self and be as productive as I once was.
Once again, I apologize to everyone who had to deal with me and my messed-up, paranoid mindset. I'm not avoiding any of you, it's mostly an internal mental struggle to not let my thoughts keep making me think I'm some pest to others.
I've always been pretty shy since I was a toddler, I was usually timid to make friends and even talking to the cashiers in stores and restaurants as my earliest memories of the seeds of my anxiety. But that was the thing, I thought it was just general shyness, though recent years made me realize it's more serious than that.
I wasn't exactly anti-social during my school days, I did have friends, though the bullying I went through arguably made me apprehensive towards new people if they want to hurt me be it physically and/or emotionally. I treasured the few friends I did grow up with and the people I did manage to befriend once I first got the internet... Though I grew up during a time when we were told to never share your real name on the internet or photos of yourself or else people will come find and hurt you. This was before Myspace and Facebook completely changed those rules I to this day, am still more used to going by my alias and being mostly camera-shy.
However, I emphasize I'm not anti-social, but regardless of having online friends and cellphone contacts, 99% of the time I don't initiate conversations. Reason for this is my mind tends to trick me into believing I'd be bothering people or they're busy with something and in fear of being a nuisance, I get more used to others contacting me rather than me worrying I'd annoy them at a bad time.
This further becomes a problem whenever I feel lonely and isolated as I want to talk, but those thoughts get in the way and my anxiety temporarily evolves into paranoia. Wanting to be social, yet being too timid to approach people usually brings about fears that people are avoiding me or if I did something wrong or whatever.
I apologize to those who have me added but I don't say much or message you. I don't blame you for removing me as a result.
Other recent examples of me realizing my anxiety issues were going to interfere with my daily life was my brief attempt to move to Georgia; A little after I settled in, I ended up starving for 3 days because I was too timid to ask for a ride to the supermarket or to borrow a roommates' car. Much later at Anthrocon earlier this year, I felt a little overwhelmed by the crowd and a bit nervous despite being at the convention for the social interaction which I lack back home... and normally I usually had the most fun at AC, but my anxiety levels came and went periodically.
Hell, even I find myself being nervous doing streams, I guess stagefright of sorts. The desire to be an entertaining host to my viewers while I do streams to stay focused doing art and panicking when I can't think of something to do to keep the stream going. Just me DOING a stream are my occasional times I overcome my anxieties.
All this, on top of depression in which comes from regret that I didn't do or say something I wanted to on a daily basis, culminates into how I've been lately. Aside from game work and occasional commissions with the rare personal art, I've been doing all I can to try to get both my anxiety and depression under control.
I've been seeing a therapist and thankfully got an insurance I can afford while looking into medication I can take so I can be my old self when I was medicated a decade ago. Hopefully once I am medicated, I'll be back to my old self and be as productive as I once was.
Once again, I apologize to everyone who had to deal with me and my messed-up, paranoid mindset. I'm not avoiding any of you, it's mostly an internal mental struggle to not let my thoughts keep making me think I'm some pest to others.
I may not be online much, but you can note me whenever I am. And if I'm not online at the time, I'll always reply just as soon as I can.
When I got Tinnitus it was much WORSE! and now people think i'm some sort of asshole.
Admittedly I haven't had much of a schedule to follow since my days in school and college, also when I had a dog when I had a reason to go out for walks... and my unemployment with my general cabin fever hasn't made matters any better. Been meaning to try to go out more, though there isn't much around here in this town, but also been looking into trying to go to a gym for both my physical health and general activity outside of home.
I think I felt timid a lot too.. I don't remember that far back very well. I often was shy about talking to teachers and such, from what I recall. I had some friends, but other than that, I mostly stuck to myself.
I still can't help but feel that way about sharing one's real name or pictures. Sometimes it seems like the better option, with what some seem to like to do with personal info out there. My name's not exactly a secret, I guess, but I can't help but feel worried every time I think about it, somehow.
I don't start conversations much either. :C Exactly the same thing, I worry I'd be interrupting something they're busy with. Then my mind can fall into the trap of "and what if they're mad I haven't said hello in so long?", or, yeah, thinking "what if they haven't said hello because they're mad for some reason?" and then it just kind of goes on in a loop.
Even when I've been told otherwise.
There have been plenty of times when I've felt anxiety about going to public areas in Second Life of all things. For example, I've always had a good time at this one club, but sometimes I feel anxiety over going there where strangers would be, and end up not going.. and other times, it doesn't even come to mind, I go, and it's been good to hang out.
Sometimes I've felt it about random requests on messengers, wondering who they are, etc.
I also notice I reaally over-worry about what I say, sometimes..