Why is it so hard to get a fucking job? I know people will say keep trying you'll get one eventually but no matter how many applications I fill out; no calls, no emails, no nothing. Yes we have money saved up but obviously it's diminishing because we need to pay bills and need food. Cameron thinks I'm not trying but I am, no one just wants me and I've been applying everywhere. I'm sorry I don't have experience but you have to give me a fucking chance before it's too late and i'm 30 with still no experience. I'm sorry I'm not talented to make fursuits or porn or art the people even like. No one wants my shitty fucking art I don't even want it. People tell me "you sell your art for so cheap" yeah because i'm trying to get people to buy it even at a low price they don't want it. I undersell myself because if I charged how much it's suppose i'd get negative money. I hated my job in California but at least I had one and how I got here in the first place. I feel at a loss, I can't do anything right. I hate being so useless for him. He got a job no problem since he's been working since he was a teenager and I barely got my "first" job 2 years ago. I applied at Care and have my schedule open yet no bites. I go on there and all there is are babies literally babies I can't take care of a 2 month no that's fucking scary and too risky. Or it's pick up and drop off kids for school which is anxiety city driving their kids with Cameron's car that i'm not use to plus 50 parents trying to get to school on time at the same time at 7am no thanks. Why can't I be famous and just make art or suits or something where I don't have to leave the house? I can't even go to the movies without getting a panic attack for no goddamn reason and feel like I have to throw up. All my family keeps asking "did you get a job yet?' or "are you going back to school?" "i thought you said it was easy to get a job over there, i guess not" Constantly being pressured by everyone, I want to work but no one wants me either for a retail job or art job. Or I get false hope "oh cool perlers, i'll send you a note" 5 months later doesn't hear back from them. Or how others say "hey times are tough maybe people aren't just buying art" while they get commissioned 30 times in a month. I'm fed up with being a failure. I'm a mediocre artist, mediocre friend, unmotivated at life, dumb girlfriend. People say my stepfather would be proud of me but I don't think that's true, he's probably looking down at me and thinking why did I leave my mother by herself and drop my job and not go back to school. And yeah I know people have it worse than me but fuck, I hate me.