Many people know me as the "party girl", the "raver", "the chick with the colorful hair that goes totally carefree and wild." So this might sound "strange" to hear this from me to some people.


Listen, people. Life isn't all a-fucking-bout partying and just not doing anything that's unpleasant.
You do that constantly, eventually you don't appreciate anything. You don't have a direction, and like a vicious cycle keep looking for the next quick fix to solve your 'boredom'. Each time taking it to more and more dangerous levels.
I've realized this about some people I'd been hanging out with the past few weeks and know it isn't the path for me.
I'm done with that. I'll see them on weekends within groups of other people maybe, and even then distance myself from them. That's it.


I am not JUST a partier. I will not be carried away constantly. And I'm not to be thought of only that way.
I both want, and have direction in my life. School IS important to me, and I honestly don't care if people have a problem with that anymore or call me lame for it.
No one is going to literally take my work away from me and pass it off as "helping" me anymore.
If I have an assignment due, I'm not going to skip and flunk it just to go dancing. No, I will just go dancing another night.
As mean as I might sound I'm not going to drop everything for everyone anymore just because I prefer company to being stuck alone.



I've become a lot MORE rational by keeping my sense of purpose and duty, yet at the same time this leaves room on the other side for so many more dreams.
All about balance, like it's said.
You can't appreciate the dreams when all you HAVE is dreams and nothing to show for it.


With this sense of direction, voila! my creativity and inspiration's suddenly come back too! Hooray! So maybe I will start putting up more arts and actually set up my paypal for commissions.


I've been doing some thinking and talking to people closest to me and realizing what's really important. They've helped me get back on track too.


xD I may have trust issues, but at least now I know where my loyalties DON'T lie, where they are a waste of my time, effort, and what little emotions I have that aren't desensitized.

And, though I'll never say for absolute certain, possibly ever, I think I'm starting to see where they do. Which is a profound thing for me.



And sure I have visions of things outside of school, now perhaps even moreso. Hopeless romance and giddiness about it, that will probably never be reciprocated. But I guess that's part of being an artist. To carry the burden of dreams that will never come true for us, and when we try to express it, instead send it to another dimension entirely.
See-able, but not quite attainable.

Artists ARE all gay. xD



And, I know I've always been alone.
I have been hurt while alone.
But also I've continued to live on and make accomplishments while alone.
I saw myself start to fall back into a pattern, and the fear continue to amplify more and more, all because I wanted to forget the me that WAS, and again live under the illusion that people "care" and that I'm not alone. PEople can only care so much...

I know that all too well because I such a disregard of my OWN for people that annoy me. I guess sometimes I get upset about how little people care about me and how easily they CAN forget me because I know how easily I can do both myself.

I guess it's more of a war I have with humanity itself. There's always this inner struggle, and this strain to achieve some kind of balance.


There are people and dreams that inspire me more than any substance/drug EVER could. And, they intoxicate me more than the bottle the others handed to me ever could.
I didn't know these feelings were left in me really. It's got to be something epic, when things can do that. It's got to.