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Just lost in thought (kinda long b/c story)
11 years ago
Btw journal is just inspired by all the stuff i been seeing on fb....which got me thinking a lot
So i've been thinking back and forth on things. see, i've been missing california cause I moved to tn due to pregnancy and nikki having more options out here. I miss my education and opportunities.
My mind has been thinking about, "What if i had stayed instead of coming to tn?" Only positive thing that has come up is Nikki wouldn't be in trouble with parole. two weeks ago, his mother told parole he wasn't living there and wasn't in ca. I have no idea how that came out to parole, cause she has limited english and most of his people don't speak spanish. i usually had to use my limited spanish to translate. She once told parole, "Jose is in los angeles" and thats it. i had to call and say, 'he's in huntington beach. he was suppose to go to LA for a food stamp issue."
There's a lot of things about my life in ca that were good, but it only dealt with my major and intended CSUN major, Deaf Interpreting and Deaf studies. I had many chances to be around Deaf and attend tons of events. This helped improve my skills. I only stopped using them when i got in a wheel chair then i had to start over from scratch with getting back on my feet. Somehow i had the smart idea it'd be easier if i saved up to live in Kern county. (XD HA yeah sure.)So, my skills went down.
As for the rest, I was pretty much well...I was practically homeless. I remember califur 2013 when soutthpaw had to help me get back and forth from the transition shelter I was staying at. He could probably guess what was up, but i don't think he ever mentioned much about it. It was literally my last option for help, cause the citizens of orange county don't want a year round emergency shelter even though they state they wish the homeless had more help. When I arrived in OC jan 2013, i had a plan. I stuck to it and got a room for rent in a spot so perfect for me....then two weeks later broke my ankle walking home. That made me lose my job and everything else. With the help of my mexican, before he was my mexican and we were just friends, i got through my ankle situation. during that time, i stayed in Kern county for two weeks and thought this was the answer to my housing situation (even though i didn't really like kern county). I healed up and went back to work, but my ankle was never the same. We stayed at Nikki's mom's house when i went back to work, but it was always a back and forth. nikki's family has this whole thing of he'll never get better and he'll always turn bad. We had to fight to stay there, but some weeks we were out on the streets. We were finally kicked out in April 2014. I had to quit what jobs i had then figure out what to do. we left for Kern county then I unknowingly got prego. I was starving in Kern county. i had this job, but it was hard to get paid. You didn't pick up your check or have it direct deposited. You had to wait for it to come from vegas. I went maybe a month to a month and half without money or food stamps. People in Delano were nice, but god they were nosy. When i found out I was pregnant, I had to decide what to do. I decided to quit. I couldn't wait for each check like this. I needed to either go back to tn or go into a women's shelter, which would exclude nikki. Back in oc, nikki was going back to his old ways of stealing and other things. He was frustrated cause he couldn't get work or help out with getting us back on our feet. If i excluded nikki, he'd continue to spiral downward. Felons have a hard time getting work in ca, period. This is part of why many of them re-offend. All they have left are illegal ways to make money when no one will hire them and they have no help at all.
When I think about that and compare it to my life in tn, TN was my best option. I wish i could be in ca to finish at GWC, go to DeaFestival, attend CSUN, go out to hang out with Mando at Deaf events (and maybe laugh when he gets a bit drunk XD), and I wish i didn't miss a lot of things in ca.....truth is....i have to consider nikki and this child. If it was just me, i'd probably go through the process I went through before then be back on my feet and in school. i'd be graduated by next may....but i can't think selfishly like that now. I have to rethink things. I won't touch University of TN with a ten foot pole. I don't like the program cause its focused on mainstream and not community. I wanted nashville state cause it did the opposite of UT and the CODA that headed it was pretty good at the program he lead, but Nashville State removed the program. The nearest two year program is in Flat Rock. i'm not sure if its good. part of me is willing to settle and leave the learning to interacting with the Deaf community and learning from books. The other part of me wants to head to charlotte where they have a Bi-Bi focus and a strong looking program that will transfer to UNC-G, where i can do a program close to CSUN. I can't go back to ca to finish. if I do, nikki could go back to his old ways easily. I just don't want that. He's tried so hard for the past year. He's had his slips, but he recovers and realizes how stupid it was.
It doesn't mean we won't go back to visit. our summers will be in ca with his family since the rest of the year is with mine. Though it'd be cooler if we did it in the winter >.> Cause its damn cold out here XD and i can't breathe in below 40 degree weather. I don't like ca summers cause HB is full, and HB is my favorite place. :D but i'll deal. hehe. As for my skills, i'm going to ask the local interpreters that I know and the local centers that work with Deaf. I don't know any local Deaf, so thats out. most of the ones i know are in knoxville cause they went to ETSU, and thats an hour and half away. i'll probably bug the ETSU terps that i know. not sure i want to, but i might.
anyway, thats my thoughts.
So i've been thinking back and forth on things. see, i've been missing california cause I moved to tn due to pregnancy and nikki having more options out here. I miss my education and opportunities.
My mind has been thinking about, "What if i had stayed instead of coming to tn?" Only positive thing that has come up is Nikki wouldn't be in trouble with parole. two weeks ago, his mother told parole he wasn't living there and wasn't in ca. I have no idea how that came out to parole, cause she has limited english and most of his people don't speak spanish. i usually had to use my limited spanish to translate. She once told parole, "Jose is in los angeles" and thats it. i had to call and say, 'he's in huntington beach. he was suppose to go to LA for a food stamp issue."
There's a lot of things about my life in ca that were good, but it only dealt with my major and intended CSUN major, Deaf Interpreting and Deaf studies. I had many chances to be around Deaf and attend tons of events. This helped improve my skills. I only stopped using them when i got in a wheel chair then i had to start over from scratch with getting back on my feet. Somehow i had the smart idea it'd be easier if i saved up to live in Kern county. (XD HA yeah sure.)So, my skills went down.
As for the rest, I was pretty much well...I was practically homeless. I remember califur 2013 when soutthpaw had to help me get back and forth from the transition shelter I was staying at. He could probably guess what was up, but i don't think he ever mentioned much about it. It was literally my last option for help, cause the citizens of orange county don't want a year round emergency shelter even though they state they wish the homeless had more help. When I arrived in OC jan 2013, i had a plan. I stuck to it and got a room for rent in a spot so perfect for me....then two weeks later broke my ankle walking home. That made me lose my job and everything else. With the help of my mexican, before he was my mexican and we were just friends, i got through my ankle situation. during that time, i stayed in Kern county for two weeks and thought this was the answer to my housing situation (even though i didn't really like kern county). I healed up and went back to work, but my ankle was never the same. We stayed at Nikki's mom's house when i went back to work, but it was always a back and forth. nikki's family has this whole thing of he'll never get better and he'll always turn bad. We had to fight to stay there, but some weeks we were out on the streets. We were finally kicked out in April 2014. I had to quit what jobs i had then figure out what to do. we left for Kern county then I unknowingly got prego. I was starving in Kern county. i had this job, but it was hard to get paid. You didn't pick up your check or have it direct deposited. You had to wait for it to come from vegas. I went maybe a month to a month and half without money or food stamps. People in Delano were nice, but god they were nosy. When i found out I was pregnant, I had to decide what to do. I decided to quit. I couldn't wait for each check like this. I needed to either go back to tn or go into a women's shelter, which would exclude nikki. Back in oc, nikki was going back to his old ways of stealing and other things. He was frustrated cause he couldn't get work or help out with getting us back on our feet. If i excluded nikki, he'd continue to spiral downward. Felons have a hard time getting work in ca, period. This is part of why many of them re-offend. All they have left are illegal ways to make money when no one will hire them and they have no help at all.
When I think about that and compare it to my life in tn, TN was my best option. I wish i could be in ca to finish at GWC, go to DeaFestival, attend CSUN, go out to hang out with Mando at Deaf events (and maybe laugh when he gets a bit drunk XD), and I wish i didn't miss a lot of things in ca.....truth is....i have to consider nikki and this child. If it was just me, i'd probably go through the process I went through before then be back on my feet and in school. i'd be graduated by next may....but i can't think selfishly like that now. I have to rethink things. I won't touch University of TN with a ten foot pole. I don't like the program cause its focused on mainstream and not community. I wanted nashville state cause it did the opposite of UT and the CODA that headed it was pretty good at the program he lead, but Nashville State removed the program. The nearest two year program is in Flat Rock. i'm not sure if its good. part of me is willing to settle and leave the learning to interacting with the Deaf community and learning from books. The other part of me wants to head to charlotte where they have a Bi-Bi focus and a strong looking program that will transfer to UNC-G, where i can do a program close to CSUN. I can't go back to ca to finish. if I do, nikki could go back to his old ways easily. I just don't want that. He's tried so hard for the past year. He's had his slips, but he recovers and realizes how stupid it was.
It doesn't mean we won't go back to visit. our summers will be in ca with his family since the rest of the year is with mine. Though it'd be cooler if we did it in the winter >.> Cause its damn cold out here XD and i can't breathe in below 40 degree weather. I don't like ca summers cause HB is full, and HB is my favorite place. :D but i'll deal. hehe. As for my skills, i'm going to ask the local interpreters that I know and the local centers that work with Deaf. I don't know any local Deaf, so thats out. most of the ones i know are in knoxville cause they went to ETSU, and thats an hour and half away. i'll probably bug the ETSU terps that i know. not sure i want to, but i might.
anyway, thats my thoughts.
