ima pill zombie!!!!!!!!

Not saying it doesn't work for some people. I've just had bad experiences with anti-depressants and it literally erased nearly all forms of emotion from me for several weeks. I think this adderall might be fucking em up though. My friend advised me to stop taking it because it fucked up her brother really bad too.

so i take it you had a bad day today???

-_- I hate going home.. Ben is too positive for me to be around. I miss my ex so much but I know I will never be with her again.. blah blah, a few of the elderly people i work with passed away recently and I miss them too.. I miss my mom, and I will break when my grandmother dies. I feel old, i'm lonely, i don't feel like drawing anymore WAAAAAAAH WAAAAAAAH I'M SO SAD.. hahahha.

dunno dude, I have a lot of shit in my head that keeps pounding negative/sad thoughts and advice back and forth over and over again on loop. And when I talk about it with people they look at me like "wtf?"

yeah, it's been a bad day i guess.

na i know what you mean the ex called me and we chatted for over 5 hrs yesterday so i was sad blah blah you know how that is and yea i missed him but im not rushing it .

. . .

that sucks. I really do hope for the best for you, however much that counts.

I think I just need to get away for a little while.. maybe go out of town and stay at the lake house alone for a little. Alone might be a good thing for now. Meh, my journals always sound so harsh :\ then again I am pretty self critical. We'll see heh.

I know how it is. I'm meaner to me then anyone I know. I think a break may be good for you.

I was at a party last night and one of my distant friends I haven't talked to in awhile was smoking a bowl with me and she commented "I have never heard someone talk so bad about themselves before, do you hear yourself????"

:\ *shrugs* it's not a crime to have low self-esteem is it? It's always been that way but people don't see it too often because I put on my "happy mask" when i'm around them so I won't ruin their good fun.

I'm like that a lot. Not neccessarily DOWn, I just have a hard time getting happy, so I pretend to be, much like you I guess. some time alone might help, but if you spend too long away I'm worried it may make things worse. I've had that happen.

oh man it pains me when i see people are miserable in their lives... i hope things turn around for you.. even something small to brighten your day.. I hope you feel better..

Will some of my chinese food help?

getting out of town or away from the things that constantly remind you of what;s bothering helps alot, coming from a person who's attempted suicide and has clinical depression it usually helps me out when i feel down and out and just wanna stop living :\ but unfortunately you just gotta keep going, find something to live for.

I'm trying. I'm so fucking bitter about shit all the time though. It's like.. I can't even talk with friends anymore because they're all like "Hey.. are you okay? What's wrong?" Omg.. people don't ask me what's wrong, lol. I wish they'd just be like "Man, today sucked for me too, LET'S GET HIGH!" hm.. I guess it does happen like that sometimes.. not bad.

I hate being on pills. I never exactly feel like myself, or they make me "normal" and I get a damn side effect and they put me on something else.
I've been pill-free for at least three years now. Suicide is a lurking thought in some cases, since bipolar effects my mood a lot (mostly I blame my mood swings on PMS.)

But, why didn't I kill myself ages ago? Because then I would lose. The depression would win, and I don't want that to happen. So what do I do to help me feel better? I get out, I hang with friends, and I avoid self medication with drugs and alcohol. I know that's what did my mom in, and she's a wonderful, creative person.

If you feel like you need a drink, or smoke a joint, just to feel "normal", then there's some issues. Going out and getting constantly shitfaced at parties is a sign of a huge problem. But, you do it to get away from yourself, right?
There's always a different way to do things, to make yourself leveled and happy- and doing it for YOURSELF is what you need to do. Fuck what anyone else says. You only have YOU in this life, and no one else. You go at your own speed, and research things that could help. Pills are a doctor's way of trying to have a "cure all" when pills are never the answer. It's all about being in the right state of mind, and telling depression to fuck off.

I think of the lighter side of things to help me when I'm in a rut. I have a house, a bed, food to eat. There are people out there who care about me, and as long as the sun comes up the next day, things will be fine.
You can't think too much about what's wrong, or else you're going to go loony toons with it. I know if I did, I'd be so far in a shit hole I'd end up in the nuthouse.

Everyone needs their own way to deal, and you gotta find yours that doesn't harm you in the process. You are an awesome person, Elizabeth, and probably one of the most talented people I've seen online. I know how you feel with this shit. Ups, downs, sleeping until three in the afternoon- or staying up until six in the morning. When you start feeling like this, stop. Look at yourself, and say FUCK YOU I'M GOING TO BE FUCKING HAPPY. Get PISSED at depression! Punch it in the goddamn fucking dick. Fuck that asshole, he can't make you unhappy! You don't need this shit.

Life sucks, but hey, things could be worse. I just hope you do things for yourself before you do it for anyone else. Make yourself happy by doing what makes you happy, be it drawing, or hanging out with friends. Once you make yourself happy, and you're proud of who you are, things will feel a lot different. I know it's easier said than done, but try it out. Keep a level head with yourself, and do what feels best.

You know.. you really hit the nail on the head *big hug* I guess being honest with myself brings me down most of the time.. yeah I drink and party a lot lately because I guess I just want to forget things and step outside of my comfort zone.. ironically, stepping out of my comfort zone 'now' would be.. going sober. I get antsy thinking about that. Me? Not chain smoking cigarettes, chugging tequila, and smoking pot?? Omfg.. my world would end. But really it wouldn't. I know this already.

I do put a lot of people before myself and I get so.. angry about it later depending on the situation. I have pretty much allowed myself to become a doormat over the years because I never stood up to people and I was always so quick to play hostess for people.. maybe it's a Southern thing? I feel like I'm always left holding the bags while everyone else gets to do the actual shopping.. if that makes any sense. Now I'm at this point where BURSTS of ENERGY shoot out of me when I think too much about something, especially things I regret or PLANS for a good change in my life. It could be positive or negative it really doesn't matter. It just happens. At least until recently.

Blargh.. I'm on the verge of rambling really bad. I really do appreciate this message though. I read it aloud to my roommate actually, heh. I'm still trying but I know I can try harder. You always can I guess.. YAY THE GLASS IS HALF FULL!!<3

lol, g'night, Cat, I think I'm going to watch Metalocalypse season 1 now. That always cheers me up.

I'm glad I helped. I can defiantly relate with you, and totally know what the flip is going on. Sure, you may feel selfish, but like I said, you come into this world with yourself, and you leave with yourself, because in reality, that's all you're going to have.
I hope things turn for the better for you soon. :3

yeah, I'd imagine you should stop the adderall.

Well this doesn't sound to pleasent...and I dought me saying anything would make it better >.> I remember one time you said you might come up and party with me ^^ I would like that if you would still want to. One of the things I do best is make other people happy, so maybe if we meet, I could help in some little way at least ^^

Well, it depends on what you go on, I'm bi-polar, mostly on the manic side, I'm on seroquel for the manic and lithium for the mood stablizing, I too had issues with meds at first (the whole I hate the pharmaceutical industry thing, but my dr made the point that my condition was like that of a diabetic, some people need a little help to functoin status quo) but once we found the right dosage I'm not really zombefied anymore, able to carry a work and school load. I do have to say that it may not be "natural" but it did lift me out of the fog I was in enough to the point were I understand how my mind works more, plus I finally was able to learn to draw because I could focus.

All depression, fear, anxiety and such you feel are all chemical when you get down to it, that's the scientific aspect, how you deal with will be up to you.

I used to think "what about all the bi-polar people throughout history that got by without meds" then I realized that they, for the most part either killed themselves, killed others, were committed or worse.

I hope this all clears up for you

Something I've noticed with virtually everyone I know who gets moods like those: they all have this lying little fuck in the back of their minds telling them evertything they do NOT need or want to hear. I call him the Little Bastard- I have one, too. Like said; you just gotta punch him in the dick. Don't believe him when he tells you you suck, it's horsehshit. When you get to the point of even thinking about suicide, that little fucker is WINNING. Please, don't let him, K? But, fight him for you, not anyone else. What we think doesn't always matter- we can help with positive reminders, we can be there when you need to have a rant about life, we'll let you slug a hole in our wall (well, some of us will), but the person you have to do anything for when you're like this is you. That's it.

I have cyclic depression, too- it sucks. I'm also not medicated, and I think that has been the best choice for me. It won't work for everyone, but if you do need the meds, then get them. Staying away from pot and booze, or any other mind-altering substance is probably the best thing you can do for yourself, right now. Keep it from becoming your crutch. You seriously do not want to go down that road. One of the hardest things I learned was to take responsibility for my own happiness: no-one could do that work for me. That was something I had to figure out on my own. Having supportive frineds and family really helps, too. i didn't have those, so things took me a lot longer to work out, but you hav a loving crew who'll remind you how much they care, and find you fun, and think you're an all-around good person. Your funk might worry them, but they are going to be concerned for you, not get pissed because you aren't being the "life of the party".

*offers a warm wing-hug* Keep fighting, hon. Yer tough- you can do it, and his sac is down there- give the Little Bastard a good swift kick, right there.

Me not saying anything here isn't because I'm trying to be a jerk..
More or less it's just me not knowing what to say.

I'd rather visit a live friend than a dead one, I'll just say that...

*leaves a plate of milk and cookies and walks off*

*sigh* Nah, I get you, and I agree. It's just been so rough lately. One thing after another really. Sometimes you just feel helpless and you succumb to bad feelings and get in way over your head. There are just so many aspects of my life I am not happy with. All that seems to go away when I'm around friends for the most part, but when I go back home it creeps back and by the time I lay down to go to bed, I can't.

Sometimes I feel like I play the court jester for people because it makes them giggle or smile, but when they go away I immediately feel myself slouch and my face goes back to default expressionless. I know I have to work on these things, DEFINITELY, and I get so overwhelmed dealing with everything else in my life at the same time; my job, rent, etc. I have come a long way since my teens considering my social anxiety was so bad it caused me to have major panic attacks on a nearly daily basis. That shit sucked and I don't want that back. I had another one for the first time in awhile and I said to myself, "WTF, LIZ?!"

Whatever, it's not over yet. All I can do is try and try again, right? Thanks for being my friend, Cubes, I really do hope we can hang out in person sometime. I think in general I am a honest and kind person.. I need to stop being so mean to myself though, heh.

Later gator+

I think about killing myself damn near daily, I don't know, I've just taken to telling myself everyone thinks about it.

Much agreed o.o

Hrm. I wish I could have you read the book I've gone through a number of times when I feel the same. Basically, it's a huge kick in the ass - only you can affect how you feel, and you can decide not to feel anything if you try hard enough. Also, that life only gives you what you can endure, and anything unendurable will end with death regardless.

You control your life. I'm sure once you figure out the path you want to follow - which unfortunately is not an easy or fast process - you'll feel a lot better, or at least have something to motivate yourself out of thinking such things.

I know I'm probably not much help, but after a while the usual methods people use to try and get you out of the mindset don't work. I remember.

I went to my shrink yesterday -_- and was prescribed more lexapro and adderall. I guess I should try things out again.. obviously what I have been doing isn't working out so well heheheheh.

Bleh, shrinks. I hope the meds help, if anything. Fixing stuff on a clearer, happier mind is easier.