Always in my existence on this planet, my life has been kind of stuck in a Limbo in getting getting my gender issues fixed up, trying to fix up the mistakes my parents did to me a month after I had been born. I have forgiven them and understand it was not completely their fault, its the beliefs they followed. They believed they were doing the right thing, because they believed it was right with god and their interpretation of an iron age book. I put all my frustration and anger against the belief of god and religion because it indoctrinates people…they they perform barbaric acts of genatile mutilation, to murders and executions…

When discovering and being true to myself and the way I developed , I confronted them hoping that I would get things up, but 11 years of my life was stuck in limbo of getting medical help at all, until i moved and lived on my own…Moved to the UK, since there was no NHS… and I would be dead today from poisoning of the liver with the incorrect medication, because they do not have NHS, only medical insurance called medical aid. I moved hoping that I could get fixed up and just get on with my life without any obstacles and bullshit. Well at the moment things have started to stagnate again with the people I rely on for help, the NHS… The UK is becoming politically unstable with cuts and austerity causing major fuck-ups, which effect the NHS as well. The evulation process of getting an operation to get fixed up is a problem, with the poor understanding that not moving forward has been the cause of depression and self harm, and as well getting me into unwanted trouble and attracting unwanted attention, because I am sick and tired of living through life with people making and creating life to be complicated with so much bullshit.

3 months ago, I guess things were progressing, and I was preparing myself for the operation, but due to my depression and self harm , this is now affecting my progression. What is frustrating is the medical people don’t seem to understand that me not moving forward had been the cause of me ending on shit street in the first place, and it seems like My life is stuck in a vortex, and with the political fuck ups happening I don’t think things are going to be moving forward, and I feel that I am stuck again like I was before I moved, with the help being condition-based. I really need to get this done, before all hell brakes loose as you know there is only a 99% chance of humanity wiping itself from existence in the not to distant future. I would like to have these gender issues solved before anything worse would happen, as it is preventing me ever getting intimate and developing a relationship with others who are open to it, so that I don’t feel to alone on this crappy planet, and enjoy the remaining years of my life without any bullshit… I am sick and tired of fapping myself…. and being afraid of myself because of what I am and the hurt and rejection people act out on because of their ignorance and lack of understanding… that I was born differently and then mutilated …

I don’t know why people seem to just let me suffer like this… where I am forced to live , but in pain and agony, and use the symptoms of depression and self harm which caused this in the first place , is used against me as some sort of penalty for cost cutting… just because they do not seem me as an individual and they treat me on pure speculation of a textbook full of assumptions, ignoring the nitty gritty and my feelings and choices, that I want to do this, and get it done and over with so I can move on my life, and just have to worry about my back problems and other issues like everyone else.

I don’t know, just needed to voice my thoughts about how I am doing, and it is not well, especially when I have been forced in a limbo state again…

Then having the worry about the NHS collapsing because of the political instability and cost cutting… that what has taken ages in the little steps forward would spring backward to where I was before moving… with the contribution to my PSTD trauma, where after being raped , sitting in the hospital waiting room, watching people bleed to death, with blood all over the floor… and when they died their bodies were dragged through their blood, and the floor got help to be cleaned… instead of the patients getting help so they could live.. because they were refused life saving medical help because they had no money or Medical Aid/Health insurance….