These last few months have been extremely difficult for me. I've been more active on tumblr and twitter, talking about it, and trying to take it easy, but things have not presented themselves as easy. I feel like talking about them and being open will help me start to move on. (Warning for self harm, suicide mentions, overdosing, and depression subjects.)

I also feel the need to explain what has been going on because I have been so inactive here lately.

I have not talked about it much here, but I have been struggling very hard with bipolar disorder and other handicaps that have been making things more difficult than they needed to be. I have been coping with PTSD from traumatic events that I will never be able to forget. Memories have been vivid, the lows have been as low as they have ever been, and I had not taken my medications for months on end. I've been struggling with body image issues, eating disorders and general unhealthiness and contempt for my well being.

All of this lead to a couple breakdowns.

Sometime during these past two months, I tried to kill myself by overdosing on pills I had saved up while I hadn't been taking them. I said goodbye to my mother on the phone, but she didn't know I had taken my pills. Nobody but people online knew I had been planning this. I had been struggling with self harm for so long, but at that point I didn't want to be alive anymore and tried. But still, I woke up the next morning and was hurting and feeling exhausted. I felt sick, I didn't take nearly enough, not even enough to throw up and I was left feeling groggy and upset with myself.

I told my father and I was put on watch for a while, but nothing really happened. I didn't seek help. I continued to get worse and worse, and started hurting myself more and more, and got more and more bold. I started making sure I was bleeding by the end of the night and I couldn't find it in myself to care about myself.

I don't know what happened, though. I finally just said enough is enough this past month after another episode of wanting to die so desperately, I thought I was really going to do it. I said I couldn't deal with it anymore.

I made multiple appointments, and now I am seeing a therapist regularly. I am back on my medication every day, and it is helping me. I am still struggling, especially with the memories of what happened to me before, but things are getting easier. I am congratulating myself for the little things and taking things a few steps at a time. I am setting small goals to work towards every day and trying to find a place for myself in the world.

Things are still so difficult. Sunday, I had a horrible relapse into a depressive state and hurt myself again, but its ok. I'm doing my best. I'm trying hard to remember to eat and drink water, I'm trying so hard to make sure I'm not damaging myself in so many ways.

I think I'm going to be okay. Thinks are super hard, but I am doing ok. I have accomplished a lot this past week by being regular with what I need to do, by saying good things about myself. I am going to be ok.

I am going to be ok and work hard and keep trying my best.

I'm so sorry I've been so inactive, I'm so sorry I've been so unreliable, I'm so sorry for everything. I am going to work so much harder every day to do what I need to do, and get better. I'm so sorry my problems have come up in the way of everything and kept me away from here.

I'm going to get better though. I can do this.