Hello sillies, im here to announce that i am slowly returning to this site. Expect me to reupload my old works to start with, then we will see if i find the motivation to draw something new.


My time off:

Honestly, i might write this out to an entirely empty page, but i hope at least some who cares about me, will read it. What i will talk about now is, exactly what has been up, what have happended to me, both in from of career, mentally, and how i have evolved. Much of what you hear will for some of you, appear as some kind of "attack" as i humbly, go into the autism category. If some will be hurt in any way, i suggest one shouldnt read from here on and fourth.


For about 2 years, it is no surprise, that i have become entirely offline, inactive, dead, on the net. I had stopped updating my profiles, my galleries, and i have even stopped visiting to see if i had any visitors or watches, for meny, this have probably come off as abit rude, arrogant, busy at best. I will apologuise for all of this, because, for what i remember of you all, what i remember were drawing sessions, in livestreams, where you didnt just watch, but helped me, create different things.

I have mentioned this to a few, but not at all out wide like this.
When i draw, i feel, alone. I feel as thought there is less care for what i do, even thought friends try their best, to show me, envision me, that isnt not true. It hard for me to explain why i sometimes ignore, or seal out what my dearest friends tell me, i would like to see myself as a super loyal friend, to them and you all. But i have some issues maintaining MY part, in that friendship.

However, when i draw on my livestream, i dont feel like i draw for a crowd, i deepheartedly feel, that i draw WITH you, i literally feel that, WE are creating, and not just me, even thought i sometimes just draw stuff and dont question much about what to draw, which is something i might desire to be better at doing.

In the past, i were narcasistic, i allways had every person i met, within my inner circle of trust, right off the bat, i didnt put any person before any other. This was why i was allways smiling, so laid back, giving chances and befriends everyone, even without truly knowing em ... I have grown up to believe, that meny humans allways did good, and i considered myself lucky, to be among such people and society. But i have learned a very, very tough lesson, in the course of about 3 years now, and that is, when i stepped a little outside my enclosed society here in denmark, there were very, very different persons out there. Persons who seem.. unchangable, persons who seem comming from a whole other world. I discovered true hatred, evil, and distrust.

Being faced with all this, i was left in a dark confusion, i allways had my family, i allways had my childhood buddies there, and the close little town i live in, but confronted with what out there, i found out, that im not buildt for that at all. For 2 years, i felt fragile, solidated, and i backed off all interrests, i talked less with people.


My diagnosis of aspergers is not to blame, its only the hilt of the sword who hits me, it doesnt hurt but helps the swing in a tightened grip. Previously, i never thoughts i had any diagnosis, but once i got it, i were abit held back in telling it, and i should have. However, i began feeling like a lockage, i began sealing it in, i began feeling even more alien, than before i got the diagnosis. I decided to unleash it, laying it broad out on my facebook, everything, everyone should know, i had this illness, even on the very first greting. At first, i was looked at as brave, but i later found out, that i may have made a misstake. I suddenly, no longer could make any friends.

The world crumbled to this fact, and it was here i went deep down in a black hole, everything coiled in a spiral downwards really fast, i cried at nights and i simply didnt understand what was happening to me, where had become of me? i were happy, i smiled, i liked everyone.. i began to try to collect the puzzles. I couldnt communicate for months, only very briefly on skype with the ones i trust, but even then, i didnt communicate with em much. Death went through my mind.

I literally felt the satisfaction of slicing myself, i began literally hating myself for who i was, i didnt even care how that made other aspies look at that time, feeling so much hatred for myself. The darkness had consumed me for so long, but despite it all, i could never be hateful, or blame anyone, i allways had a smile, but this time, it was a mask. I walked around with a gloom shadow, hiding it the best i could, nothing feels worse, than to see a happy spirit fall so low, ive witnessed it myself in a friend once, and i didnt want to show my despair to anyone.


I tumbled across personalities, i had problems finding out who i acturally were, i began adopting odd emotions i never experienc before: jaleousy and anger, being 2 of em. Things from here, began turning scary for my spychologist, i began viewing my life as if i were in 3rd person. Not ment literally as a vision from the outside perspective, but in the fact that, if anything happended to me, my conscious would step out, and i would stop being myself for a brief moment, I would say things i didnt want to say, I would do things i never wanted to.


The dark journey. It lasted so long. Friends have been reaching out for my hand, and i have touched it a few times, just to let weakly go of it, or rather, scratching it for helping me. Ive been hurtful to my friends, when they tried to help me, but they didnt give up.. they kept reaching out, and grabbed me, and one of those grabs, held tight to me, it resulted in me, finally .. talking. I opened.

I talked to my parents, it were a slow process, but i was held out of the pit for the time, from here, i had to move my legs not to fall in again. Everything felt surreal, it was as if any beginning and end was erased, and as if it didnt matter if i moved my legs.


"Jonas, try this new place.. " they told me, it was these words i had to answer to. I could say no, but for the first time in what looked like forever, i said yes.

I were assigned to a new IT facility, where i had the opportunity to learn the mechanics of, for example, having a job with aspergers syndrom. First day there, i felt as though it didnt matter much, but allready the second day, something felt entirely different.

I still didnt trust anyone around me, so i wasnt completely happy but, i didnt feel alien. Then, during the break, i talked with the suprevisor out there, and he told me things, i never ever heard, from my friends, my family, or even my psychologist, about how people work.

Opportunities opened for me, i became super effecient in the facility, i stopped looking desperately for a girlfriend ( an odd emotion and desire i evolved during my darkness .. its grim man .. ) and i began, minding my own buisness.

And most importantly, i learned not to openly tell people that i have aspergers as a subject, because that would feel like I attack THEM.
But, if they as if i have it themselves, then i will asnwer, and then its their own blame, its their guilt for not talking to me afterwards, not mine.



So, my life went from sitting and drawing vore and ponies and whatnot, to an active life of opportunities. Now, im working on simply, just doing what i want, with nobody having much say in it. and this, ladies and gentlemen, means that i feel, i can slowly begin my arting again. I might be rusty .. bear with me ..




During the dark spirat, i had meny considerations of ending myself, i even were literally, one meter of facing the death itself. "shivers" If anyone .. ANYONE .. ever EVER experience something like this .. i tell you.. hang in there.. life is trolling you, things will be better!



That said, i want to give a thanks to the most awesome friends, of all time .. directly here on my journal ... thank you, you mean the .. ( yes, i can swear too) the fucking world to me.