Still can't sleep... Too busy alienating everybody around me... Not that this is helping, but on some level I just don't care enough. I'm tired of putting up the super-happy front, not that there are times that I really feel that way. I feel like it gets me into more trouble than it avoids, because I tend to go overboard and freak people out. If I drop the happy act, though, I just sink into the background, unnoticed and alone. I have yet to find any balance of the two that actually works without making me feel like a bipolar asshole.

Basically, if I ever seem off, I don't mean to upset you. I'm just so tired of feeling the need to put up a front for everyone... I'm scared, though, because while it feels like people generally don't like me with the front, I feel people will hate me without it. This all sounds so sketchy, like I'm lying to everybody I talk to, which isn't true. I'm just good at projecting happier than I am, with some glaring faults... I can genuinely be happy, but with my front that tends to become over the top. I get too excited that someone may enjoy my company that I feel I end up scaring them away. I've done this for years and hate myself for it... Not that it's intentional. I just feel like I always get hurt when I get excited about something, and try to lock it away...

TLDR: I'm just gonna go back to being curled into a ball and cry softly to myself because I totally enjoy scaring away everybody I meet...