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Crushing Blackness
11 years ago
Crushing Blackness
Jeremy McLaughlin
Sometimes there are voices in my head that just won't let me forget how much a failure I have been my whole life. The disappointing stares of my mother, judging everything I am and everything I do. The crushing feeling that my dad may not be as proud of me as he says he is. It throws you into a downward spiral of self loathing and self degradation. Remembering what my brother did to me, remembering what the babysitter did to me. I wish I could stop remembering.
After a long time, I started to believe the voices in my head. I started to accept it's harsh words. Let it pull me into this crushing blackness that surrounds me. That is when it's got a hold of me, the blackness. I didn't feel it at first, but it flowed roughly the same path as a babbling brook. Winding it's way through my mind, through my heart, embedding in my soul. The babbling never stopped either. It was always there to whisper to me.
For some reason I hate the sun more then usual. “You're too fucking bright.” I find myself saying, so I draw the shades tight. “That's more like it, right?” I muse as the darkness closes in around me. Cool and safe, much like the bed clothes that hugged me so tightly the night before. Speaking of which! Did I just hear the bed talk to me? Oh my god, I think I did. It's spinning me a wonderful tale of romance and beauty. Luring me in with a melodious Siren song. Without even knowing why. I crash into the rocks that are the folds of the bed clothes. I wrap myself around the voice and we lay together in newly formed romance. The arms of the bed enfold around me, holding me close. Whispering sweetness. I think we made love, I'm not sure. I was too tired to remember.
What time is it? The orange numbers on the clock read back. Ten o'clock? Good god, how long have I been laying here cradling my new lady friend. Who cares, as long as me and her are here together, that's all that matters. I love you bed, thanks for taking away the pain.
What time is it now? Twelve o'clock?! Well shit, sorry baby, but I gotta get up. I gotta get something to eat. Begrudgingly I climb out of my lover's embrace and pace down the hall. I am so weary though. When did this hall get so fucking long? “Oh hey there strangers?” I say to my wife and child. At least I think that's who they are. It's hard to tell. Sometimes all of that feels like a different life all together.
Where was I? Oh yeah food, gotta be careful what I eat. Trying to watch my weight. I wanna be able to...What did I want to be able to do again? Maybe it was something to do with the family. Perhaps it was something to do with me? If only I could...oh shit son! Pizza and ice cream, get into my mouth.
Ate too much. Now I feel sick, or maybe I feel sicker? It's hard to tell. It's hard to remember anything with this crow sitting on my shoulder calling me a “Fat Fuck!” Wait, there's no crow there. I was almost certain. Oh well, I should get something to eat. I feel hungry again. I wanna eat, but that requires me to get up. Fuck it, I'll eat later.
What am I even watching? Music videos! Nice...no I was wrong. I use to like this song, but it sounds like crap now. Oh it's that one show, when did this show get some god damned annoying? Fuck it, I gotta get away.
Oh how about I take a shower, that will be nice. Man! When did getting undressed take so much effort? I'm using so much energy trying to block out that annoying, needy voice calling to me. “Shut up bed, I can just lay there all day making love to you.” I gotta life...I had a life, but when? Well at least the water will be nice.
I was wrong. It's too hot, or too cold, I don't know which. It's too loud too, just grates on my nerves. I should get out...I should at least wash first...why does everything take so much work? I'll take another shower later today, when I feel better. If I feel better. I grab the towel and dry my face, man did that feel like too much work. I just hang up the towel again and go lay down on the bed. I'm back lover, sorry we fought earlier. I've just been under the weather. I'll be better tomorrow I just know it.
I was wrong...
I've been depressed lately, addressing it has helped, but only slightly. Sometimes you really just have to talk about it, if you want to feel better. Sometimes you just have to write about it, to help you feel better. Depression is a crushing blackness that consumes us from the inside out. My mind is always working lately, always frazzled. I remember shit from my past that happened to me, stuff that I've caused to happen to me, and stuff that I fear I might do in the future. I feel weak and tired. I feel like crying. Sometimes I just want to run away, but I know that no good will come of it. I just need a hand to help me through it. I want to get better.
Jeremy McLaughlin
Sometimes there are voices in my head that just won't let me forget how much a failure I have been my whole life. The disappointing stares of my mother, judging everything I am and everything I do. The crushing feeling that my dad may not be as proud of me as he says he is. It throws you into a downward spiral of self loathing and self degradation. Remembering what my brother did to me, remembering what the babysitter did to me. I wish I could stop remembering.
After a long time, I started to believe the voices in my head. I started to accept it's harsh words. Let it pull me into this crushing blackness that surrounds me. That is when it's got a hold of me, the blackness. I didn't feel it at first, but it flowed roughly the same path as a babbling brook. Winding it's way through my mind, through my heart, embedding in my soul. The babbling never stopped either. It was always there to whisper to me.
For some reason I hate the sun more then usual. “You're too fucking bright.” I find myself saying, so I draw the shades tight. “That's more like it, right?” I muse as the darkness closes in around me. Cool and safe, much like the bed clothes that hugged me so tightly the night before. Speaking of which! Did I just hear the bed talk to me? Oh my god, I think I did. It's spinning me a wonderful tale of romance and beauty. Luring me in with a melodious Siren song. Without even knowing why. I crash into the rocks that are the folds of the bed clothes. I wrap myself around the voice and we lay together in newly formed romance. The arms of the bed enfold around me, holding me close. Whispering sweetness. I think we made love, I'm not sure. I was too tired to remember.
What time is it? The orange numbers on the clock read back. Ten o'clock? Good god, how long have I been laying here cradling my new lady friend. Who cares, as long as me and her are here together, that's all that matters. I love you bed, thanks for taking away the pain.
What time is it now? Twelve o'clock?! Well shit, sorry baby, but I gotta get up. I gotta get something to eat. Begrudgingly I climb out of my lover's embrace and pace down the hall. I am so weary though. When did this hall get so fucking long? “Oh hey there strangers?” I say to my wife and child. At least I think that's who they are. It's hard to tell. Sometimes all of that feels like a different life all together.
Where was I? Oh yeah food, gotta be careful what I eat. Trying to watch my weight. I wanna be able to...What did I want to be able to do again? Maybe it was something to do with the family. Perhaps it was something to do with me? If only I could...oh shit son! Pizza and ice cream, get into my mouth.
Ate too much. Now I feel sick, or maybe I feel sicker? It's hard to tell. It's hard to remember anything with this crow sitting on my shoulder calling me a “Fat Fuck!” Wait, there's no crow there. I was almost certain. Oh well, I should get something to eat. I feel hungry again. I wanna eat, but that requires me to get up. Fuck it, I'll eat later.
What am I even watching? Music videos! Nice...no I was wrong. I use to like this song, but it sounds like crap now. Oh it's that one show, when did this show get some god damned annoying? Fuck it, I gotta get away.
Oh how about I take a shower, that will be nice. Man! When did getting undressed take so much effort? I'm using so much energy trying to block out that annoying, needy voice calling to me. “Shut up bed, I can just lay there all day making love to you.” I gotta life...I had a life, but when? Well at least the water will be nice.
I was wrong. It's too hot, or too cold, I don't know which. It's too loud too, just grates on my nerves. I should get out...I should at least wash first...why does everything take so much work? I'll take another shower later today, when I feel better. If I feel better. I grab the towel and dry my face, man did that feel like too much work. I just hang up the towel again and go lay down on the bed. I'm back lover, sorry we fought earlier. I've just been under the weather. I'll be better tomorrow I just know it.
I was wrong...
I've been depressed lately, addressing it has helped, but only slightly. Sometimes you really just have to talk about it, if you want to feel better. Sometimes you just have to write about it, to help you feel better. Depression is a crushing blackness that consumes us from the inside out. My mind is always working lately, always frazzled. I remember shit from my past that happened to me, stuff that I've caused to happen to me, and stuff that I fear I might do in the future. I feel weak and tired. I feel like crying. Sometimes I just want to run away, but I know that no good will come of it. I just need a hand to help me through it. I want to get better.
I know what it's like to have crushing depression.
Too many of us nowadays feel these exact feelings, but are unable to express it the way you've done. For that, I commend you. Though, it always hurts to see a friend hurting and suffering, no matter what the ailment be, and not really able to help. Unfortunately, depression is one of those things that can't really be 'fixed' by friends and family. It can help to an extent, yes...and the support can be great, but in the end, it always feels like the depression is winning when you are just that: depressed.
I think of it as a cancer of sorts. You have your good days and then you have your really bad days. Your good days (or stretches of time where you're not getting hit with overwhelming sadness and lack of energy) are like as if the cancer has gone into remission, the bad days are when it comes back and rears it's ugly ass head full force. I do not say this statement to offend anyone, it's just what I feel I can relate it to in a sense.
Everyone copes with depression differently, even though the effects of depression are debilitating to us all the same. You just need to find your outlet to channel the darkness out, be it through writing, surrounding yourself with things you enjoy, or even therapeutic visits and/or medication. Anything is a start and I believe that you will pull through.
Those always work.
Bunners