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Megarant - I hate...
11 years ago
What has been, has been. (Que sera, sera)
I hate my job. I hate my life. I hate the fact that my boss honestly believes that I don't have any mental disabilities/handicaps/there's nothing wrong with me. I hate the fact that he tells me what I did right, THEN launches into what I did wrong. I hate the fact that he refuses to try helping me in a way I see fit. I'm sorry if you don't want to look at what I write down for what i do all night, including times and everything. I'm sorry that you don't want to make what I consider "Reasonable Accomodations" for my employment here. I hate the fact that I can't seem to make any new friends because I come on too strong. I hate the fact that I can't figure out my own gender. I hate being so far away from my Master, despite the fact that I'm closer to family. I hate everything right now, but you know what? Everyone else is far more important than I am, so that's okay.
I try to do right. I'm wrong. I try to reach out to ask how to do right, I'm turned away. I try to step out of my comfort zone when I try to make new friends, it gets shoved back in my face almost every time. I hate the fact that I'm so cynical and self-centered. I hate that my outlook on life has gone from the glass is full to there is no glass anymore. I hate that I'm addicted to cigarettes. I hate that my coworkers get away with doing a half-assed job and leaving everything for me, knowing I have to get it all done when my boss gets in, because he'll just shout at me and you'll get off scot-free. I hate the fact that, despite trying what I consider my best, it is still not good enough. I hate that I can't find a job anywhere else.
Yes, I hate everything.
I'm beginning to feel like a terrible, horrible person inside a little more each day. And you know why I think that is? Because I try to reach out for help in my own way and nobody seems to realize it. Because the few times I do decide to say, "Me me me me me" are the completely wrong times.
I hate that I can't live up to my word. I hate that I'm far too caring, and I'll say anything to make someone happy, and do almost anything as well. I'm sorry, genuinely sorry, that I don't have it in my heart to say no to someone when they ask something of me, even if it makes me uncomfortable to say yes. IT gets me in more trouble than if I would just say no.
You know what I want? I want someone to have. I want someone to hold. I want someone I can honestly work my tail off to help support, so when I get off work after busting my ass I can snuggle up to them and not be judged. Not be told what's wrong with me from their point of view. Someone who will just hug me and tell me, "It's okay."
I'm beginning to think maybe I need to develop another personality. A "little" personality. Someone I can change into when I'm overly stressed. Maybe then I'd finally be able to escape the games and politics of every single damn job out there and get disability, which is what I probably need. I hate that I need medication just to function, and despite reaching out for help with finances, Is till make the same dumbass decisions and wind up with no money to pay for said medication.
I also realy, really hate that I discovered something about myself. I -am- an alcoholic. When I get stressed, I really, really want to drink. And not just to unwind. To get shit-faced. To get so drunk I can't walk straight. I think the only thing that keeps me from going off the deep end and becoming a raging alcoholic, as it were, is I've seen what it did to my dad.
So, in summary, I'm a terrible person. I lie, cheat, and steal every second of my life ((According to my boss, and probably others think taht but are too damn nice to say it). I'm incredibly lazy, not mentally challenged at all....
And I hate everything in my life right now.
I try to do right. I'm wrong. I try to reach out to ask how to do right, I'm turned away. I try to step out of my comfort zone when I try to make new friends, it gets shoved back in my face almost every time. I hate the fact that I'm so cynical and self-centered. I hate that my outlook on life has gone from the glass is full to there is no glass anymore. I hate that I'm addicted to cigarettes. I hate that my coworkers get away with doing a half-assed job and leaving everything for me, knowing I have to get it all done when my boss gets in, because he'll just shout at me and you'll get off scot-free. I hate the fact that, despite trying what I consider my best, it is still not good enough. I hate that I can't find a job anywhere else.
Yes, I hate everything.
I'm beginning to feel like a terrible, horrible person inside a little more each day. And you know why I think that is? Because I try to reach out for help in my own way and nobody seems to realize it. Because the few times I do decide to say, "Me me me me me" are the completely wrong times.
I hate that I can't live up to my word. I hate that I'm far too caring, and I'll say anything to make someone happy, and do almost anything as well. I'm sorry, genuinely sorry, that I don't have it in my heart to say no to someone when they ask something of me, even if it makes me uncomfortable to say yes. IT gets me in more trouble than if I would just say no.
You know what I want? I want someone to have. I want someone to hold. I want someone I can honestly work my tail off to help support, so when I get off work after busting my ass I can snuggle up to them and not be judged. Not be told what's wrong with me from their point of view. Someone who will just hug me and tell me, "It's okay."
I'm beginning to think maybe I need to develop another personality. A "little" personality. Someone I can change into when I'm overly stressed. Maybe then I'd finally be able to escape the games and politics of every single damn job out there and get disability, which is what I probably need. I hate that I need medication just to function, and despite reaching out for help with finances, Is till make the same dumbass decisions and wind up with no money to pay for said medication.
I also realy, really hate that I discovered something about myself. I -am- an alcoholic. When I get stressed, I really, really want to drink. And not just to unwind. To get shit-faced. To get so drunk I can't walk straight. I think the only thing that keeps me from going off the deep end and becoming a raging alcoholic, as it were, is I've seen what it did to my dad.
So, in summary, I'm a terrible person. I lie, cheat, and steal every second of my life ((According to my boss, and probably others think taht but are too damn nice to say it). I'm incredibly lazy, not mentally challenged at all....
And I hate everything in my life right now.
With specific reguards to your current laziness, once you find a dream for your life, something your passionate about, you'll discover a reason for getting up in the morning and performing whatever it takes to make it happen. Your not lazy. Your not a thief. Your not even an alcoholic. Your just lost and looking for a reason to exist. A reason to live. This is the biggest issue you need to overcome and while I am here to help, this is something that will require soulsearching on your part as only you can answer that question.