FA+
Shop
My life.
11 years ago
General
What has been, has been. (Que sera, sera)
I do it to myself, no matter what it is I do. I'm in this dark place once again, through my own decisions in life. When I do good in one area of my life, it is because I'm taking focus from another area of my life, where I begin to fuck up and make bad decisions.
It's cost me jobs.
It's cost me lots of money.
It's cost me a roof over my head numerous times.
The sad thing is, I -know-. DEEP DOWN, I -KNOW- what it is that I need to do. But there's this little four letter word that is worse than any of the other four letter words. This word grips me in its iron clutches. It whispers to me in the dark, tainting the shadows of my mind and allowing them to fester and spread, like a bad disease.
This word is fear.
During a spiritual adventure, guided by Steel the Warrior, I discovered something about myself that I did not realize until I saw it. I'm the scared oddball kid in the hallway in school. I'm the guy dressed effeminately, standing all alone, silently crying out for help. Silently crying out for someone to offer them a hand. I'm the guy dressed in bright, rainbow-like colors, standing out yet blending in to the background. Standing out in all the wrong ways, blending in, in all the wrong ways.
Recently, because of my poor decisions in life, I've begun to spiral the proverbial drain. The diving board. The cliff. My emotions have been slowly tanking for a while now. I've cried in front of people I swore I would never cry in front of.
I've cried for many reasons. Because I'm emotionally unstable. Because I just can't take the "yelling" anymore. Because I can't decide how to properly express how I feel. And you know how I feel after I get done crying? The little voice in the back of my head jumps up and says, "You should be ashamed of yourself. Men don't cry."
I'm not a man. I know this. But yet my father seems to have drilled it into my head that "men are men, women are women". I love my family to death. I really do. But at the same time, I wish things had been different growing up. I wish my dad wouldn't have drank and let me see how he treated my mother. I wish my mother had made better financial decisions, so I could have a reputable basis for my own financial decisions (It may seem like I'm blaming her for my inability to control my finances, and in a way, I am. But I will also acknowledge that only I can help myself, whether that's reaching out, or relying on myself like I know I shouldn't do).
I was always the black sheep of my family. If something went wrong, it was automatically my fault. If something went right, it was my sister's doing....
I need help. I really, really need help. But..oh god....I don't know how to get the help I need, because I'm afraid of failing. I'm afraid of chasing away the ONE person I (*Begins crying again at this point*) care most about. The ONE person who is the shining light chasing away the demons of my head.
Someone...anyone...please let me know you've read this...tell me what I should do...because at this point I can't..I just..I don't even know anymore. No matter what I do, I'm always screwing up.
In addition...I'm either too nice or I'm an asshole. I can't find that middle ground where I can be just selfish enough, and just selfless enough. I care too much about what others think. I get so caught up in making others happy, and giving of myself, I wind up damaging myself. I wind up breaking connections to others. I wind up, again, in the same place every. single. time. Alone. In the dark. Afraid.
It's cost me jobs.
It's cost me lots of money.
It's cost me a roof over my head numerous times.
The sad thing is, I -know-. DEEP DOWN, I -KNOW- what it is that I need to do. But there's this little four letter word that is worse than any of the other four letter words. This word grips me in its iron clutches. It whispers to me in the dark, tainting the shadows of my mind and allowing them to fester and spread, like a bad disease.
This word is fear.
During a spiritual adventure, guided by Steel the Warrior, I discovered something about myself that I did not realize until I saw it. I'm the scared oddball kid in the hallway in school. I'm the guy dressed effeminately, standing all alone, silently crying out for help. Silently crying out for someone to offer them a hand. I'm the guy dressed in bright, rainbow-like colors, standing out yet blending in to the background. Standing out in all the wrong ways, blending in, in all the wrong ways.
Recently, because of my poor decisions in life, I've begun to spiral the proverbial drain. The diving board. The cliff. My emotions have been slowly tanking for a while now. I've cried in front of people I swore I would never cry in front of.
I've cried for many reasons. Because I'm emotionally unstable. Because I just can't take the "yelling" anymore. Because I can't decide how to properly express how I feel. And you know how I feel after I get done crying? The little voice in the back of my head jumps up and says, "You should be ashamed of yourself. Men don't cry."
I'm not a man. I know this. But yet my father seems to have drilled it into my head that "men are men, women are women". I love my family to death. I really do. But at the same time, I wish things had been different growing up. I wish my dad wouldn't have drank and let me see how he treated my mother. I wish my mother had made better financial decisions, so I could have a reputable basis for my own financial decisions (It may seem like I'm blaming her for my inability to control my finances, and in a way, I am. But I will also acknowledge that only I can help myself, whether that's reaching out, or relying on myself like I know I shouldn't do).
I was always the black sheep of my family. If something went wrong, it was automatically my fault. If something went right, it was my sister's doing....
I need help. I really, really need help. But..oh god....I don't know how to get the help I need, because I'm afraid of failing. I'm afraid of chasing away the ONE person I (*Begins crying again at this point*) care most about. The ONE person who is the shining light chasing away the demons of my head.
Someone...anyone...please let me know you've read this...tell me what I should do...because at this point I can't..I just..I don't even know anymore. No matter what I do, I'm always screwing up.
In addition...I'm either too nice or I'm an asshole. I can't find that middle ground where I can be just selfish enough, and just selfless enough. I care too much about what others think. I get so caught up in making others happy, and giving of myself, I wind up damaging myself. I wind up breaking connections to others. I wind up, again, in the same place every. single. time. Alone. In the dark. Afraid.
As for your money issues, I have no answer for that hun. I wish I could help you with that, but I'm broke as a joke myself and looking for a job.
You are a great person, pick yourself up and keep trying. That's all you can do. That is all any of us can do.
We need to talk more often, hon! There's got to be some way of instant communication with you!
Yes! I have a Skype. XD