[Edited to add: I almost deleted this journal. It exposes some stuff about myself that might make some people uncomfortable, but I decided to leave it up anyway. After all, the whole point of the entry is to point out that I'm aware of and actively changing that stuff.]

[Warning - I write these entries in a detailed format that's a mix of review and novel. Take the time, I hope it's entertaining for you.]


TL;DR - AWESOME!!!!

Now, with some context... or "What you need to know in order to get why this con was super mega awesome for me." I'll keep the backstory as short as I can.

Several years ago, I kinda got messed up by some anti-depressants I had been prescribed. It left me with some issues, including a pretty strong case of social anxiety. It's one of the main reasons I got back into the furry fandom - to break through some of this crap. To be honest, after five months, I hadn't been terribly successful.

I made the flight for RF back in June, I think, but cancelled it the next day. "Flight and hotel cost too much." "I don't know anyone who'll be there." "I don't want to take too much time off work." And so on... But two weeks later, I bucked up and committed to the con - spending the money will force me to go and deal with this shit. As punishment for my hesitation, Fate decided to have all Hilton rooms sell out so I had to book the Clarion.

Fast forward to late August - I've made a few tenuous connections in the fandom: Kithrak, Lockford, and a few others who at least recognize my face. Well, naturally everyone starts talking about their RF plans. Lockford had planned to go, but had waited to commit and now didn't have a room. In an unusual show of directness, I asked Lockford if he wanted to split my room. Boom - some of the cost issues taken care of.

Two of my characters' (Tobias and Chase) fursuits came in. At this point, I've suited for a total of 40 minutes - 20 as Chase and 20 as Tobias. Trying to fly with two suits was a little too much for me to deal with logistically as my first long-distance con, so I had to make a choice. I went with Chase, since the creator  kodi_pup was going to be there.

There - I think that's just about all the background. Now begins the trip report.

I get to the airport, and a group of SD furs are travelling on the same flight: "iconraishiin:,  reaper-san,  raket, and  that-blue-dog-on-the-left They're playing Cards Against Humanity and tell me to pull up some floor and join in. I end up being pretty silent through the whole thing - so strike one on my goal of interaction. Even though we were on Southwest, I boarded early and didn't get to sit near them. No chance to correct the airport mistake of silence. Not an auspicious start.

Lockford was on a much earlier plane and was waiting in Seattle for 6-7 hours for me to get there and check in. He jumped into suit and hit up the Hilton lobby. I hung out and watched how he and other fursuiters interacted with people, what they did as "idle animations", and so on.

After several hours, back in the hotel room. I had a bunch of questions - maybe a few too many all at one time. But he was great answering them - obviously this is a guy who loves what he does. I don't think he knows it, but he gets a little more animated when he talks about suiting. And he had lots of great advice - stuff that should really be wrapped up into a Fursuiting 102 panel. Things that make so much sense, but I'd never heard anyone say on a blog or YouTubed panel. Like: "It's going to take time to break in your suit - to learn how it works with your body." Duh - sounds obvious when someone says it out loud, right?

Anyway, this is a trend that continued throughout the con: Lockford giving up part of his time to help me out in lots of little ways. Suiting advice, headless lounge info, introductions to new people, and a ton of history about the fandom (cons, events, luminaries, etc). Never did he set himself up as an "expert" or anything - he was just helping me out. When we were suiting, some people who knew/recognized him would get his picture. He'd pull me into the shot to be included. Little shit like that goes a long way with me. Without him, I truly believe this con would have been yet another failed attempt to break out of my shell.

[I just re-read that paragraph and while it's all true, it might sound a little fanboyish. Look, he's just a great guy who did me a solid. Moving on.]

Thursday, at registration, I decided to upgrade to Patron. Truthfully, I really don't do well with lines, so I'm glad I upgraded. I was a sponsor at Califur and I know these cons run on a shoestring budget - so I just like to help them out. Plus, it's a standard technique: create a penalty if you don't hit your goal. In this case, I'd already spent the cash so I better do everything I can to make the con worth it. [Spoiler - I succeeded]

At some point, I suited up as Chase and made my first attempt. Another one of those Fursuiting 102 things is: "It's harder than it looks." Trying to remember all the things to do, can be tricky. Eventually, it'll all be second nature, but then - it was hard. Remembering to breath in a way to not overload the head. Keep scanning the area - always be aware of your surroundings (I did pretty well on this one). Be "on"; don't just schlep around the hotel (unless that's the character).

The big one for me was "DO SOMETHING!" I had a particular walk designed for Chase, but that's really all I did. Strut. Wave. Repeat. Always wave with the right hand because that's got the gold pawpads. Overall, that plan isn't much of a character and the outcome was what I should have expected: a few remarks about how cute the suit was but not much else.

I've made a corollary to this tip: "Interact with other fursuiters!" Draw attention to yourself - that's what you're there for!! Give 'em the ol' razzle-dazzle, but remember to share the stage! How you interact with others will leave a stronger impression about you than trying to be a solo act.

Ultimately, I made it three hours before the combination of heat, sweat, and exhaustion took its toll and I de-suited. Hey, the only other times I did this was for 20 minutes. I called it a pretty successful first "real" excursion.

"If furries aren't at the dance, where are they? #RF2014" <-- That's a tweet I made along with a pic of a mostly empty dance floor. Because of the hashtag, it got picked up by a few people and retweeted/favorited (mostly other people's replies got favorited). Not a lot, but certainly more than I'm used to. It will probably seem ridiculous to you, but that relative flurry of notices from Twitter that my comment was getting exposure made the night for me. In the scheme of things, it means absolutely nothing. But it was just the little boost I needed to think I could conquer this.

Dinner at Denny's with Lockford and Kithrak. I ordered the Superbird and tweeted it. Since Kithrak often makes references to being a bird and doing bird things, I figured an oblique reference to him being a Superbird! was a riot. [Crickets] Went over like a lead balloon. Oh well, they can't all be gems.

Friday - I went to a few panels and managed to pull off a solid four-hour stint of suiting, but two things stood out for me: The GoH dinner and the Friday night dance.

I was in the Fursuit Prosthetics panel, held by Kodi. I stayed a couple minutes after to say "Hi!" and thank him for all the great work he did on Chase. This meant that I trotted up to the Guest of Honor dinner fully suited and after they'd already started seating.

Fortunately, a table near the stage had a seat open and there were a few people I knew sitting at it: Kithrak,  lostwolf123 and  reaper-san(Wingo) While some people would think that sitting at a table full of strangers would be better for my purposes, those people haven't dealt with this crap. Six strangers and three familiar faces was just fine, thank you. And Wingo, as one of those "recognize my face but don't really know" people, counted as a half for each side. :)

The short version [Ha!] is that I had a nice time. Finding somewhere to put Chase's head and eating in a white fursuit were challenges, but it all went pretty smoothly. After dinner, Wingo was fully on the "friend" side of the equation. We shared some of our backgrounds, commiserated on a few topics, and just chilled out. [And look, I know openly talking about friendships can seem odd, but this is a journal and I'm being completely honest with all this stuff. We can save the "I'm so cool I don't have feelings about stuff" for later, 'kay?]

At some time, I went back to the hotel and de-suited. I have no clue how, but I ended up at the dance. I managed to be there just as the first song started: You Spin Me Round by Dead or Alive. /ear twitch

So far this con, every song I'd heard was some form of an audio torture scheme. No discernible rhythm, bass cranked up so loud there was no point in anything else, and sounds that I can only describe as foghorn, speaker feedback and a two year old banging pots together. On ritalin.

But the stuff they played for two hours... I knew every single song. True, I stayed in the corner, away from the dance floor. Didn't talk to anyone, barely interacted even with Lockford. But I danced. I bounced. I felt comfortable. I felt like the old me - before the medication issues began. I was happy! (Bohemian Rhapsody got an especially great response from the crowd.)

I babbled a little of this to Lockford on our way back to the hotel. Then I said, "Every con should have a Retro night!"

I believe that he had the best of intentions when he cautiously said, "That's just not going to happen. Everybody at the cons listens to the other stuff and that's what they're going to play."

Well, that was a bucket of ice water on my good time. In two sentences, I went from feeling included and comfortable to being reminded that, in most ways, I'm an outsider. And pretty much will always be. I'm a little older than most of you. After the chemical shift in my brain, I spent years isolating myself from what was current in the world.

And yet, later in the hotel, Lockford handed me his phone with an audio file queued up. "You know, after a con, some DJs will upload their playlists for people to listen to. This one I saw at AC."

It wasn't terrible - it had a steady percussive beat and lyrics, even if they were songs I'd never heard before, they still could be danced to. If I had the ability to raise one eyebrow... well, that's the look I gave him and said, "Is this your way of telling me to "Get used to it'?". He just nodded and grinned.

So - this meant a lot to me. Seriously. Just that tiny bit of effort, an intention to help me rather than just say "Deal with it", turned me mostly back around. Sure I was still a little down, but seeing the difference between hiding from social situations and getting out and meeting people, really changed my perspective.

Now look, I don't know if that was Lockford's intention. But that's how I took it.

Saturday was less successful. There was my first ever Fursuit Parade and the less said about that, the better (but I'll hit the important bits anyway). I walked it "alone", as in I didn't know anyone near me at all. The person in front of me did things that blocked my sight lines and I was concerned for some safety issues, and I'm sure everyone knows by now that we had to wait about 20+ minutes in some pretty hot sun to get the picture taken.

The end result was that I got out of my suit and through circumstance, didn't get back in for the day. I did go to the dance competition by myself to cheer on the dancers I knew (well, knew of): JD and TK, Hogwash, and Daiquiri (unknown to him, we're suit brothers).

Afterwards, I ran into Kithrak and we hung out for a bit, went to the Variety show, and then to Denny's to get dinner. By now, I was starting to wear out and not feeling great. Going for four days straight (Wed - Sat) was draining. I'd been up late (for me) every night and wasn't sleeping well at all (new places does that to me). The day's heat probably contributed as well. The Saturday Dance was gearing up as I headed back to the hotel to suit up.

I never made it. With the worst timing, I had hit my limit. The number one event to go to in suit (for my purposes) and I spent it crashed out in the hotel room. On the good side, I did catch some well needed sleep. But I think I may have disappointed some people who were kinda actually cheering for me, in their own way.

Going to watch the fursuit games is the only thing I remember about Sunday at the con. But that night, I went to the fursuit bowling event hosted by  kijani_lion and I went in suit. The bowling part of the event was difficult for me. Not only did I bowl hideously, but I was sweating up a storm and I was having trouble getting any airflow in the head. I managed to complete the first game, and then planted myself in the bowling alley's "headless lounge."

The great part of this event though, was meeting a bunch of new people. Sure, just some casual, super low key interactions, but still awesome. Kijani,  flixthefox,  eaite and a few others. The highlights:

Clatchet (FlixTheFox) is hilarious. I felt awkward because I had no clue how to say that he was a blast to hang with without sounding totally stupid. His sense of humor is hard to describe, but it's very rapid fire and not the kind that is "laugh out loud" funny. Anyway, he was great.

Eaite is another suit brother. He wasn't wearing his, but he recognized that mine was a Kodi suit and came over to chat about that. (Towards the end, I put my suit back on and just sat, watching the furs bowl.) We chatted for a few minutes about suiting and character design, when Clatchet stopped by to say he was making a run back to the hotel if anyone wanted to head out.

I said my goodbye to Eaite and he asked if I was going to FC. I said that I was and his response was a simple "See you there!"

I know, I *know* that it's just a polite way to end a conversation. But my brain decided to convert that to a warm fuzzy. I'd had a conversation with a total stranger that I didn't stumble through with awkward pauses, and I didn't replay every sentence to find out where I screwed something up. And the person gave me a sign that they wouldn't mind if we chatted again. It's a small victory, I admit. But it's still a victory for someone like me.

Monday was the start of PCD (post con depression) - my first experience with it. The con hadn't been a non-stop rush of activity for me. Instead, it was several short bits of awesomeness. But still, I was a little sad that it was ending. My flight out was at 12-something and once again, I was on the same flight as the guys from San Diego. But this time, I knew them a little better. I got to chat with Raishiin before the others showed up and I think we made the verbal equivalent of a fist bump. This time, I got to sit with the guys on the plane. We were all exhausted and mostly kept to ourselves, but the occasional chit chat felt comfortable. Maybe I wasn't an official member of "Club Cool", but I didn't feel quite so outside. Some of us even went out for dinner once we were back in San Diego (sushi, of course).

Through circumstance, I chose to withdraw from social activities for several years - I got back into furry fandom to change that. Secretly, I had a fantasy that going to this con would be a magic wand that would just undo all the crap from the past decade. I'd magically become a social butterfly, get invited to parties, people would say "Hey Brexton!" as we passed in the hall, maybe I'd even get flirted with. Of course I know those are ridiculous fantasies and not even actual goals to strive for; they're just byproducts of what I really want: to be more outgoing, get to know people, and make friends. I didn't destroy my problems by spending one week at a con, but I feel I did take huge steps and ended up with a feeling of reassurance that it is possible. I can do this.