I stated in a past journal that to some extent part of me is just feeling like any attemps to explain why I'm at this stage a rather bitter, angry, rotten indvidual seem to be efforts that end in failure...

Usually ending up as me making mountains out of nothing...and to a point I wonder why I don't just curse everybody out I see...since if I'm an uncaring, selfish asshole...well I'll be what they want me to be...as cliche as it sounds, I feel like something of a trope from TV tropes 'then let me be evil'...because it seems like sometimes my attempts and efforts to be positive are either unseen, underplayed or outright ignored, yet mistakes are played up to a point people wonder why I just snap at them...

...I sometimes wonder if I was just a douchebag my whole life and this whole 'nice guy' thing is a facade.

I don't know if I want to bother talking about it to anyone becuase it's also clear i've got miles upon miles of baggae and attempts to sever it are not being successful, nor is flat out ignorning it or trying to bury it in other things.

...and I'm still some 20+ days away from seeing a doctor about what I can say.

and I'm sick and tired of being a negative nancy...if anyone whom wonders why I've been absent from a number of streams, well this rant is one partial explination.

Would anyone here actually bother to hear me out or am I better off just keeping my mouth shut, I'm already assuming the latter...maybe I'll just wait until I'm so angry I'll just...do something.

...

I don't know what to say about what happened over the weekend at Suzuka in F1 over the weekend, there are people who are going to voice their takes on things regardless if they have any basis or facts...much like what happened with Kevin Ward Jr and Tony Stewart over a month ago...

...well I don't know what to say direclty other than this...

While I had my own thoughts and opinions over Las Vegas 2011, and in 10 more days it'll be three years to the day Dan Wheldon's life was claimed at the season finale...what filled me with anger was how for some people, they get at Indy car like it was the most dangerous kind of racing.

Yes there have been fatalities even in the recent years (even if that number is low), and then comapre it to F1...I say to you as Jackie had said a week or so later, a disaster in F1 is just around the corner and the only reason why Roland Ratzenberger and Ayrton Senna da Silva (if you ignore the deaths of what marshals have happended since then, or accidents that eveuntally claimed a life, such as with María de Villota from a testing accident just over a year ago) were the last fatalities was largely due to a push in both safety and management in danger.

I don't know entirely what went down, I don't know if those on the internet commenting really know entirely what went down.

Those at the accident, those in the FIA who are doing an investigation, are likely going to know far more about what happened than we did. Could have been an error on behalf of Jules Bianchi, could have been a vareity of things.

If and when we find out...we'll find out.

But I guess once again, what the fuck would I know anyway...


For what it's worth, my prayers are with Jules Bianchi and I hope he can recover...we will see.

and I woun't forget Andrea de Cesaris either...may he rest in peace.