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10/6/14 10:01PM
11 years ago
Nothing really to report so for the sake of my repertoire I'll just take a step back and reflect on other things. Same as always, writing and question at the end
Human connection weirds me out. Supposedly we need some sort of relationship, be it friends, family, or significant other, but I'm just not seeing it. I feel as though I'm perpetually on the outside looking in, Not like I don't have friends or whatnot and I'm not the angsty teen I used to be saying I didn't need anyone or their help. I'm sure plenty of you can relate to beginning to seek independence. I guess what I'm getting at is my behavior back then seemed to set a trend where I'm just no good at getting along with people. I'm constantly looking in on all the fun people are having and I didn't get invited to the party.
Honestly I can't imagine why, probably because I'm a dick.
Yeah I'm aware that I come off as an asshole I'm aware that my lack of friend making is pretty much my own goddamn fault, and the friends I have are close to my rotten ass heart mostly because they're as fucked up as I am in one way or another. It's neither here nor their the friends I have, the problem is the friends I don't. Relationships that have been ruined mostly because I get too big for my skin and I leave people behind or the fact that new people don't look at me and wonder why that being an asshole is just how I can keep from just being awkward and silent. I'm arrogant, sarcastic and I'm probably as taxing to be around as it is for me to be around others. I can't find the door to myself that lets people in anymore, because I'm protecting myself but honestly, what from? That might've meant something back when Momma dog lost her mind, Grandparents wouldn't get out of my ass, little bro wouldn't shut the fuck up, and my Dad continued to breathe. It might be legitimate when I was an only child and my Dad's pastime was just bullying the shit out of me, or when my bro was born I took the front line so he wouldn't be exposed to that bullshit my old man dished out. None of this is an issue now. My family life is fairly healthy, my bro and I are close but my dad still continues to breathe. None of that matters, I'm gone, I'm on my own, I acknowledge that I can be a shitty person, and I'm working to fix it but the fact remains that I don't really have someone to share that with that doesn't already know me. I can't make a new impression on my old friends and I can't seem to make more. What happens when the rift of distance gets to be too much for the friends I left back home?
Most importantly I can't shake the negativity. I'm too suspicious, man, someone's always got an ulterior motive always up to something or always wants something from me. I always mistake someone's openness for them wanting attention. It's no wonder that I can't make friends, and it's no wonder that I'm losing em every day. Whether I want to or not, I think you're all villains. You're just someone who's going to let me down, piss me off, or stab me in the back. Frankly I can't blame you for not reaching out. I wouldn't want to be my friend either.
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Here's the craziest bit
I'm pretty fixed on the fact I'm sane as shit
But I trust myself about as fucking far as I spit
And no one noticed it
but the barrel's in my mouth now I acquit
Fuck it, I quit.
Got any advice?
Human connection weirds me out. Supposedly we need some sort of relationship, be it friends, family, or significant other, but I'm just not seeing it. I feel as though I'm perpetually on the outside looking in, Not like I don't have friends or whatnot and I'm not the angsty teen I used to be saying I didn't need anyone or their help. I'm sure plenty of you can relate to beginning to seek independence. I guess what I'm getting at is my behavior back then seemed to set a trend where I'm just no good at getting along with people. I'm constantly looking in on all the fun people are having and I didn't get invited to the party.
Honestly I can't imagine why, probably because I'm a dick.
Yeah I'm aware that I come off as an asshole I'm aware that my lack of friend making is pretty much my own goddamn fault, and the friends I have are close to my rotten ass heart mostly because they're as fucked up as I am in one way or another. It's neither here nor their the friends I have, the problem is the friends I don't. Relationships that have been ruined mostly because I get too big for my skin and I leave people behind or the fact that new people don't look at me and wonder why that being an asshole is just how I can keep from just being awkward and silent. I'm arrogant, sarcastic and I'm probably as taxing to be around as it is for me to be around others. I can't find the door to myself that lets people in anymore, because I'm protecting myself but honestly, what from? That might've meant something back when Momma dog lost her mind, Grandparents wouldn't get out of my ass, little bro wouldn't shut the fuck up, and my Dad continued to breathe. It might be legitimate when I was an only child and my Dad's pastime was just bullying the shit out of me, or when my bro was born I took the front line so he wouldn't be exposed to that bullshit my old man dished out. None of this is an issue now. My family life is fairly healthy, my bro and I are close but my dad still continues to breathe. None of that matters, I'm gone, I'm on my own, I acknowledge that I can be a shitty person, and I'm working to fix it but the fact remains that I don't really have someone to share that with that doesn't already know me. I can't make a new impression on my old friends and I can't seem to make more. What happens when the rift of distance gets to be too much for the friends I left back home?
Most importantly I can't shake the negativity. I'm too suspicious, man, someone's always got an ulterior motive always up to something or always wants something from me. I always mistake someone's openness for them wanting attention. It's no wonder that I can't make friends, and it's no wonder that I'm losing em every day. Whether I want to or not, I think you're all villains. You're just someone who's going to let me down, piss me off, or stab me in the back. Frankly I can't blame you for not reaching out. I wouldn't want to be my friend either.
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Here's the craziest bit
I'm pretty fixed on the fact I'm sane as shit
But I trust myself about as fucking far as I spit
And no one noticed it
but the barrel's in my mouth now I acquit
Fuck it, I quit.
Got any advice?
