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Old Dog, NO Tricks
11 years ago
My Furry Family
No, this journal isn't about training a dog to do tricks, sorry.
Its been a week since my relationship hit the fan and ended abruptly. I cant really fathom that it ended, even if the ending was inevitable. Im alive, but I have no idea what I'm doing. I've only had 3 relationships in my whole life. The first lasted 2 years, the second was like 2 and 1/2 years and I got engaged to him before he died, and then this last one being the third. I'm used to being in a long-term, committed relationship with someone I genuinely love. I don't know ANYTHING about dating nowadays. Its hard enough for me to stand back on my feet by myself...
I'm an old dog. I haven't needed to learn tricks to impress, because I've never had to impress anyone in my love life like I have to now, if I want to. I'm chubby, slow, non-athletic, and WAY too old school. I love things that are out of style for today's anything, and considered "vintage".
I don't really know what to feel. I don't know if I really even WANT to date again. The dating scene, and men in general nowadays.... are just so low class. They have good personalities, but no class, education, or desire for a better life. And the ones that DO have class are absolute assholes, with a shallow personality. TO me, its not even worth trying to love again. Its just not worth it. I'm not someone to trust easily, and my scars and multiple problems kind of make it difficult to love me. Is it even worth me trying?
I want to just be able to be happy on my own and take time to be happy and comfortable with being alone. I'm not about to jump into another relationship, because that never ends well. I don't rebound easily. And I don''t want to just sleep around, because to be honest, I'M NOT THAT GOOD LOOKING under the cloths. I'm not that attractive naked. That, and I'm really self conscious.
Its hard enough that dating me is like dating an 80 year old and a 10 year old at the same time. But then.... emotional shiiiiittttttt.... I'll leave it at that. Im complicated.
on a separate note, things kinda went downhill after Farell and I split up. All the self loathing and depression that he kept at bay, all started to rush back at once, like a dam broke loose. I don't have that person there to tell me that I'm not.... what I think i am. Last night was the hardest yet. I ALMOST did what I was thinking of, and I'm glad I didn't... but I don't feel good knowing that the frame of mind I fought so hard to keep away, is back and stronger than ever. Being happy on my own is going to be a whole new challenge now.
Also doesn't help that my finances are strangling me, and my list isn't exactly on the right track.
Im an old dog with no tricks left. 
who weighs 800 pounds or has to poop into a plastic bag under their shirt, because that was the only way to save
their lives from cancer, was required to check into the "f* me, I'm a terrible inapt person" hotel, there wouldn't
be too many people left on the streets. And there is no reason, they should.
Every time life hurts real bad and I hit rock-bottom I flip through the persons I know, call up the one with the sunniest
disposition and talk to them until I no longer understand the very concept of profound sadness any more. Why check
into a dark and shitty place, that looks more ridiculous every time I return from it?
Sounds like you need a dog, who knows some old school tricks. Can't keep a good dog down, ya know.
Not everyone is cut out for generation porn. And kida is right - if one thing is for sure, it's that you're worth being loved.
<3 there you have it. In fact, it's the only thing that's certain. Everything else is odds, but odds are pretty good that life
can deliver.
You're still numb from your recent breakup, give yourself time to heal.
And never say never, you may want to date again some day.
*hugs tight*
And again... What is this Old Dog talk! I am even beyond Spark, and I still have hope. But the "Old School" part, I definitely relate to that!
*HUGGGGGGGS*