Welp, approximately one year ago I entered into a rather nasty state of near constant stress and anxiety after failing my math midterm due to my own ineptitude (Missing the entire first page of the exam >.>). I mean honestly, in 2004 my grandma died, my two other grandparents moved away, and I also lost a little cousin I never got to meet two days after my grandma passed away... So I'm starting to think that years ending in '4' are not good for me!

My plan last year was to finish calculus and get my drivers license so that I could apply for a job working out in the field over the summer, unfortunately I failed to meet any of those due to my failing the calc course and just not having time to do drivers ed in the winter like I'd wanted to. So I spent my winter term stressed and depressed over my failure in the last term, which resulted in me having an utterly shite GPA, followed by field school completely wiping out whatever funds I'd saved up from working through highschool and such, which meant I had to do full time at the deli for four months straight. Aside from that places ability to drive you insane and make you hate everyone (seriously, it's not just me my coworkers felt the same way), it also served as a constant reminder that the only reason I was there was because I'd failed last year. Which you know, is great when entitled baby boomers and old people are calling you an idiot because "that's not how the store's original owner would have done it!" [Yeah this is why I didn't get a lot of writing done this year >.>]

So as you can imagine I was not really in the best state of mind as I started this term. And boy, what a start! Me missing a vital trip for one of my courses after spending a lot of money on equipment for it thanks to my getting stuck in traffic. Not only did I miss out, by the way, but I also held up the bus for an hour (which I'm sure afforded me nothing but the respect and love of people who will one day be my colleagues). Sooo I had to drop that course and go into a new one two weeks into the term to avoid the social repercussions as well as and academic ones that would spur from my missing a vital part of the course.

Sooo all of this compounded to my basically going insane with stress around the end of september as all of what I perceived as my own personal failures began to pile up and really just weigh down on me. In that time I'm sure I annoyed more than a few people with my always wanting to talk about bigness (well, smallness), which was really the only way I knew how to cope. And I know, it's escapism, it's not healthy but dammit I've played psychologist for more than enough people, and I couldn't expect really most of them to ever bother asking me how I felt on a given day. I... did look at some other methods of course, including going to see one of the psychologists on staff at the university to actually talk to someone, but thankfully one of you guys (you know who you are ;D) actually fucking listened to me for an hour, and we just talked and talked and like... holy shit I can never begin to tell you how much that meant to me. Truly, from the bottom of my heart, thank you.

...Holy shit this got rambly. Okay, onto the calculus part of this! I got my midterm back this morning, and I passed with a 60% (I fucking RUBBED those pages to make sure I wasn't missing any) . It was the first really amazing stress reliever I'd had all year and shit... I nearly broke down crying on the elevator down I was so happy. XD For most of today I've been in shock, because honestly I'd convinced myself that I'd failed again, probably to make coping with any failure easier now that I was already in that mindset. But now I'm just kinda overcome with this feeling of weightlessness. It's really nice!

Sooo yeah. Feeling better for the first time in a long while, gonna keep on studying for the final, and I'll be doing my road test for my license sometime this month. I am feeling like this is where I was supposed to be a year ago, but I suppose it's better to be late than never overall! X3 I've finally started working regularly on communication 3.5, no idea when it'll come out, but I'd like to finish it before the holidays!

Thanks folks, and ah, sorry to clog your journals up with rantyness on halloween night!