FA+
Shop
[Rant] About my depression.
11 years ago
Usually I don't like boring others with what goes on in my mind. After all, everyone has their own problems and worries to deal with. But today I woke up with a strong desire to commit suicide. I even have my suicide note planned in my head, along with the method and everything. And it's getting increasingly hard to resist. But what drives me to that? A bunch of things. Many of them seem minor, but they weigh heavily in my head. See, my lifelong dream is living somewhere the size of my room (small), just adding a small kitchen table and a bathroom. And especially, being alone. I can't take people for long in my private space. And, of course, a job that's doable and pays a decent amount. But then, the issues start.
What sparked it all this time was my father. Yesterday, my girlfriend asked if I'd be saddened or angry if we ended our relationship but remained friends. I said no, I wouldn't mind me. I'd just be worried about how she'd feel. So she ended it. Ok. Then I mentioned it to my father. A bunch of harsh words were yelled at me, along with things like "you'll have to decide whether to have a loving person by your side or be an isolated abnormal retard". I could think of a million things, but couldn't say any of them. And the truth of the matter is, I'm unable to be in a 'loving relationship'. Unable. I might be happy with someone, but I'm much happier alone. And society just doesn't get this. Nobody does. They think it's just a quirk or some weirdo preference, but it's at the core of my being. So when my girlfriend ended the relationship, I actually felt relieved. Having someone constantly coming here, sending messages, making me go out...all these little obligations drive me insane.
Next, future. I'm currently majoring in IT, did a tech course on computers, no job yet. But I can't find a sliver of willpower to study. Hell, I've got 3 exams tomorrow and another 3 after tomorrow, yet I'm still at lesson 2 out of 10 of one subject. Didn't even start studying the other five. I can't find it in me to do it. Worse, this is the 4th time I try college/university/whateveryoucallit. Even better, every single previous job of mine was a failure. First one was once a week, doing nothing. Next one got me fired and unpaid for two months of 7 -to-7 work. Next one I was so horrible at it, the student never returned from vacation and the company disappeared without telling me anything. And the last one, I wasn't a valuable enough employee to keep around when hard times hit. Even art isn't going well. I'm taking over a dozen weeks to finish ONE PICTURE.
Right now, I'm still entirely dependent on my parents. But they will die eventually. Could happen today, could happen in 30 years, who knows? But if it does and I'm in this state...it won't be fun. True, there's family out there, but they won't like a freeloader like me. Especially not an asperger weirdo. When I look at all that and feel its weight...it makes me want to run. To escape. Which is why my entire day is spent sleeping, gaming and daydreaming. It's my drug, to escape my reality and go to one where everything isn't as hard. Where you can always try again if you fail.
There's a lot more stuff like my kidney issues, random depressive bouts, sheer hatred of my country (and most countries, in general), unstable self-esteem, etc. The weight of all that might seem general to you, or you might have even worse weights to carry. But I don't measure problems by their weight. I measure them by who is carrying that weight. And I'm not strong enough for mine. So I just live each day, waiting for the time I finally snap and end it all. And I can't talk about this with anyone because they either refuse to listen to me talk about such a delicate subject as self termination...or they think it's just a bluff (my father and sister fall in that category). The feeling is so particularly opressive today that I can't even have fun with gaming. Part of me is deeply scared, but another is eager.
Anyway...I can only hope this is temporary and will pass, like always. I hope.
[/endrant]
What sparked it all this time was my father. Yesterday, my girlfriend asked if I'd be saddened or angry if we ended our relationship but remained friends. I said no, I wouldn't mind me. I'd just be worried about how she'd feel. So she ended it. Ok. Then I mentioned it to my father. A bunch of harsh words were yelled at me, along with things like "you'll have to decide whether to have a loving person by your side or be an isolated abnormal retard". I could think of a million things, but couldn't say any of them. And the truth of the matter is, I'm unable to be in a 'loving relationship'. Unable. I might be happy with someone, but I'm much happier alone. And society just doesn't get this. Nobody does. They think it's just a quirk or some weirdo preference, but it's at the core of my being. So when my girlfriend ended the relationship, I actually felt relieved. Having someone constantly coming here, sending messages, making me go out...all these little obligations drive me insane.
Next, future. I'm currently majoring in IT, did a tech course on computers, no job yet. But I can't find a sliver of willpower to study. Hell, I've got 3 exams tomorrow and another 3 after tomorrow, yet I'm still at lesson 2 out of 10 of one subject. Didn't even start studying the other five. I can't find it in me to do it. Worse, this is the 4th time I try college/university/whateveryoucallit. Even better, every single previous job of mine was a failure. First one was once a week, doing nothing. Next one got me fired and unpaid for two months of 7 -to-7 work. Next one I was so horrible at it, the student never returned from vacation and the company disappeared without telling me anything. And the last one, I wasn't a valuable enough employee to keep around when hard times hit. Even art isn't going well. I'm taking over a dozen weeks to finish ONE PICTURE.
Right now, I'm still entirely dependent on my parents. But they will die eventually. Could happen today, could happen in 30 years, who knows? But if it does and I'm in this state...it won't be fun. True, there's family out there, but they won't like a freeloader like me. Especially not an asperger weirdo. When I look at all that and feel its weight...it makes me want to run. To escape. Which is why my entire day is spent sleeping, gaming and daydreaming. It's my drug, to escape my reality and go to one where everything isn't as hard. Where you can always try again if you fail.
There's a lot more stuff like my kidney issues, random depressive bouts, sheer hatred of my country (and most countries, in general), unstable self-esteem, etc. The weight of all that might seem general to you, or you might have even worse weights to carry. But I don't measure problems by their weight. I measure them by who is carrying that weight. And I'm not strong enough for mine. So I just live each day, waiting for the time I finally snap and end it all. And I can't talk about this with anyone because they either refuse to listen to me talk about such a delicate subject as self termination...or they think it's just a bluff (my father and sister fall in that category). The feeling is so particularly opressive today that I can't even have fun with gaming. Part of me is deeply scared, but another is eager.
Anyway...I can only hope this is temporary and will pass, like always. I hope.
[/endrant]
Mostly because she didn't reply back to me when I send her notes.
I know how it feels when one has to fight suffering in both mind and body in the same time.
Maybe you could launch a stream so you could have a talk with peeps/friends/watchers while drawing anything.
Long time no see! ^^'
Saying just have to get working and it will help seems silly to say, and is indeed difficult. I have horrid time doing it myself, but it does help. Try making small goals, smaller things you can focus on that will lead to your ultimate goal. Don't focus how far away that goal is, just the next step to it. So you can feel you are moving forward.
Sorry to hear about the relationship, I never managed to get a girlfriend ever and that adds to my own problem. I hope you feel better though.
Take care
Over and out.
This scares me, because I've been there. I've never gotten a close peek into your mind until now, but I'll be honest - I see, if not a mirror, than a damn shiny thing that I see myself in. We have a lot in common...
I like to be alone. I'm not going to blame you for that. I don't like people either. I'm an Aspie too (a contributing factor). By some stroke of pure luck and being handheld by my dad (I hide so much from him and all my family) I actually own a house and have a job that can pay for it. When I remember to pay for it. And can control my impulse to buy unneeded shit.
Yet I too struggle with suicidal urges. But mine aren't preplanned ... they're very, very impulsive. You see, I hate myself with one of the most bitter passions I've felt in my life. I'll be riding my bike home and just start considering veering it into oncoming traffic, because I feel like I deserve to be plastered on the street by a 70MPH combined impact with a 2 ton mass of metal. I deserve pain, suffering, and the dark agony you paint your characters (and others) into. I forget things. I have a massive pile of papers in the kitchen on the table that I just don't fucking want to even bother with. I can't cook. I don't clean. How did I get to own a house again? Because I sure as fuck feel like I didn't earn it.
As far as hating country? Even the USA has an annoying habit of frustrating me. The looney bin politics going on here make me want to put my freshly repaired portable DVD player out my window and into some random pundit's forehead...
Anyways. I don't mean to burden you with my pain. I'm just trying to let you feel a little less .... alone's not an appropriate word here... weird. Let you know that there's others out there.
And to let you know that if you did off yourself, I for one would miss you.
If you want to talk, I'm willing. But if you'd rather be to yourself, I'll let you do that too.
So i hope you'll take distance from your father "view of the world".
If he is the sort of man who rather have a married hash dealer than you, sad for him but don't kill yourself for HIS point of view.
One thing I can say, and please take it for whatever worth you see in it, is that your girlfriend and your father don't matter right now. What matters is you. You need to ignore what society (ie, friends, family, other people) tell you...and focus on you first. Because until you understand yourself; your wants, your needs, your goals and your desires, there is absolutely no way that you can expect to make other people happy (without causing yourself pain).
Once you have yourself figured out, the rest falls into place eventually.
If you need to be alone to figure things out, then be alone.
If you need to be in a room with your closest friends to talk about things, then be in that room with your friends.
If you need to travel the world, write a book, paint a picture or write a song...then do those things.
You know yourself best. Depression is just a part of you. Come to understand it, what makes it hold so much power over you, and the ways you can come to grips with it.
I understand suicide. There's a saying I heard, long ago: Suicide will certainly end all the chances of pain in life. But, in the same vein, suicide also ends the chances of happiness, joy, discovery, growth and getting past the pain you've endured.
Same thing with your IT schooling. Go at your own pace, don't get stressed out and don't give up. Just remember that if it were easy, everyone would be doing it. The harder it is, the more proud you should be of yourself for getting where you are.
You have a great talent with your art too. You should work on it when you want to, when it relaxes or de-stresses you. And don't worry about how long things take. Your style is NOT quick and sketchy. That's the whole reason people commission you. If they wanted quick, they would go get a stream sketch. You should be proud of all the little details in your art and the time that it took. And if anyone gives you crap for being slow, then you probably didn't want them as a commissioner in the first place.
I know you're kind of dependent on family right now, but we've all been there. Just never lose sight of your long term goal, even in the face of short term hardship.
If you think your depression is worse than usual, you should go talk to your doctor about it as well. Maybe they need to adjust something. It's certainly worth asking!
However, I can honestly say that there is -no- shame in therapy, I don't know what kind of therapists you have there, but here, I've taken a lot from the counseling I've received. To put things in perspective, by matter of survival I had to learn how to integrate with society, and interface with it just enough to get by.... But with the therapy I've gotten? I've managed to shake some of the crippling guilt issues they've been installed in me thanks to my family. I can finally relax... I actually enjoy socializing now, in small doses, instead of subtly hating everyone around me.
I'm not going to go into my state of mind that I had at the time, it's ... not very pretty and beyond scope. However. I can say with full confidence that life can get better; it's a two way street, you need to chip away at things the best you can and that small amount of empowerment can and usually does lead to bigger and better things.
To be brutally honest? I actually hate hearing that shit my self. Usually I just assume they're reciting the same tired "positive" catch phrases, just to shut me up or assuage their guilt with out ever having to actually do anything. (Did I mention I'm a mean bitch :3?)
But this? Honestly isn't hype. Things can actually get better.