I don't even care if I wake up tomorrow.

So fucking stupid, jesus christ.
It's killing me slowly, you have no idea how maddening this is.

*hugs tightly*

I am deeply sorry that your original brushes were not recovered, but I don't think you should beat yourself over loosing them. I mean, according to your last journal over this it was all due in part to an update on the program that threw your brushes away. You even took the necessary steps in backing them up and it still lost them. The fault is in the program, not you.

Plus, the sketch you showed me weeks ago is still awesome. Your brushes may be gone, but your drawings skills are intact.I do hope you settle on the settings and brushes you currently have, though. Just go easy on yourself :)

It's so silly of me to feel terrible about it, I know, it took me years to create and tweak them to be perfect for me. Sigh, though I suppose I should be more positive about it, I can create new ones, experiment more. I just need to kick this horrible depression and get back into my groove.

Really?
Thank you, I'm glad you liked it, I'll do my best!

You still have your amazing drawing skills, so I'm sure you will get used to these new tools in no time. :)

What's broken can always be fixed, but what's fixed will always be broken. It's like a mirror. You can put it back together, but you can still see the mother fucking cracks.

Translation: Things may be fucked up now no matter how you try to put them back the way they were, but it'll never be a same. You have to adapt, pull yourself off the blade stuck in your side, otherwise you'll just bleed out. At least fighting is gives you a chance. It sucks, believe me cos I've done it my entire life, but I'm still alive and my depression is easily repressed now (by choice). Just keep rolling with the punches. I'd say it's simple, but it sometimes isn't.

Thank you, for leaving inspiring comments for me so often, I really appreciate it.

Life lately has been so hard, I feel like no matter what I do everything is going to fall apart and me with it.
Actually got into a fight/argument tonight with my husband, he says I've been talking down to him around our friends and that he's been having to put up with my abuse for years, I actually packed my laptop up and was intent on leaving. I don't know where I would go, my parents stopped talking to me but I didn't want to be here.

Had a talk with my husband, I guess we've smoothed everything out but I don't feel any more healed or better than before, he tells me I've changed or that tumblr is giving me 'feminazi' ideas, I don't know what to think. Maybe it really is all me, I think to myself, 'yes that must be it, that's why my family can so easily disconnect from me or why my husband is so angry at me, it's me.'

I'm still here, breathing, living, wanting and feeling, I used to think my purpose was to suffer for others so that they wouldn't suffer themselves but I don't know anymore.
Sorry I'm rambling, I've actually never talked about what I assumed was my purpose, I always thought, if I suffer in silence than my family will be happy because I don't burden them, or that my husband wouldn't be so stressed from me 'nagging', I lived for others because I'm not sure how to live for myself.

I'll do my best, I'm still here and right now that's good enough for me.

I saved thousands of lives by helping people with my skills. You know all I've got to show for it? Nothing. Nothing but scars and wounds, some of which never heal. Every time I helped someone, it ripped out a part of me I can never get back. I gave that to them to help them, just they merely forced a dagger in that broken part of me and left me for dead. You can change, it's possible you have, and that arguement you had with your husband was likely your own hatred trying to force you away from someone who makes you happy because you feel like it's your nature to be alone. I promise you, it isn't. You need to stop thinking about others and think about you, think about your future. Yeah, you can keep some things to yourself and suffer silently, but you should NEVER feel like you have to. Only that you want to. I mean, look at me. There's times my depression surfaces and I want nothing more than to slit my throat and end it all. The only thing that saves me is a soulless plush toy I cry into because he's the only person around me who gives a damn or at least I can pretend does. I never tell my hubby that or he'd feel like he's failed me or that he's not good enough to save me from myself. Truth of the matter, if I could hold him, I'd never let him go. I've spent so long along, suffered and survived in lesser ways than animals, that I feel it's my place to remain in the darkness. And I'm fine with that just so long as he controls the light. The only reason I survived long enough to meet him was because I... Destroyed myself to do so. Every part of me that was me, every shred of who I was, I crushed it all because I had no place for weakness. I can't cry for more than a few minutes, I can't feel joy or sadness most of the time because anger is the only feeling I trust to be real. I'm a freak. Alien to my own species because I don't understand why people do most things when there's no logic to them. There's computers more human than me.

I'm telling you this because this is who you'll become if you don't act now. A broken shell of a person who spends the majority of his time in his mind, in some fantasy or alternate universe, because reality simply hurts too much. I'm not even afraid of death because I don't allow myself to be. I just feel guilty that I could leave my partner behind. Focus on you, the real you and not someone you think you are, and claw yourself back to the surface. Know who you are, don't pretend to, and rely on your partner to be there for you. Find out what you want, what you need, to repair all the holes and gaps in your mind and heart. Your body can wait, no matter what wounds it suffers, it'll always heal but the rest of you can't.

I tried to kill myself over 300 times in the same month once. I was too young, too quick to heal, to be able to succeed. I somehow survived the darkness and now I'm part of it. Don't join me, please, whatever you do don't take the same path I did. Don't become a monster like me, do everything you can for YOU. Cos, trust me, when you get through this and you're living a happy life with your husband... You'll actually wanna look yourself in the eyes, in the mirror, and be happy you pulled yourself from the darkness. You'll be alive. That's all that matters.

Oh, and the first line from before is two quotes from songs I like. :P Not to ruin the serious mood of the previous comment.

The first half is from 'Yours Arms Around Me' by Jens Lekman. The second from Gaga's 'Telephone' music video. :3