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Pleae Read
16 years ago
I ask of you to read this all the way through...please.
My heart hurts so much. Every beat is so heavy. I'm shaking like a leaf in the wind. There are so many emotions that are over flowing in my heart and I can't control them. Sorrow, envy, and hatred. To no end would a knife feel comfortable in my heart right now. Just to end this relenting torment. My veins course with fury, I can't pull it back. My head and mind are at war; I can't decide what I want to do with it. My head wants me to hate those with talent that I cannot poses. No matter how hard I try. I work and work, sometimes until tears burn my eyes, just to make something decent, but apparently that not good enough for people. I guess I envy you all, making me want to hate all of you for the talent you have. Its not right and my heart knows it, so I have kept my secret from becoming known to you. Buried beneath all of this envy lies a part of me that i happy for you. I'm torn between these two things and so it takes on the form of sorrow and confusion. Its like I don't know who I am anymore. My dreams are no longer dreams but nightmare; full of pain and torture. I have frequently found myself waking in the middle of the and run to the bathroom, wanting to vomit. I occasionally spend some nights there feeling it caught in the back of my throat, unable to get out. God it hurts so much. I'm crippled from the need to keep up with everyone around me, unable to find my own pace. When someone asks something of me I am too slow and they end up getting what they have requested of me done before I can even do anything, so I drown in my own failure. This is not a guilt trip, I just need to speak my mind before I explode.
So many things have gone wrong in my life, and none of them I can fix. Overloaded I have failed in school and will become a 5th year student, I have Multiple Sclerosis, various medications, no job, my future career with the Air force is blown away with my disability, my family has broken apart, lax skills in art, some of my friends have left me for my orientation and because I'm a furry, I'm always tired. With all of this piled on my shoulder...I just feel like I can't live anymore. I'm suffocating beneath the weight of my burdens. Stress on my psyche has developed into PTSD. I want to die to protect everyone because I'm n the border of snapping. I don't want to hurt anyone. These words are not set in stone just yet, but they are but one of very few options left for me. I can't take it, I'm mad at everything, I don't want to be.
The only thing I can ask of anyone anymore i: Do I have a purpose in living? Do I have a reason to? I cannot see the light of hope, only darkness, I NEED someone to show me the light, please. I'm afraid to die, I don't want to, but I want to protect everyone from this demon in me, this dark hate. Please, give me a reason to live. I don't want to cry myself to sleep anymore.
My heart hurts so much. Every beat is so heavy. I'm shaking like a leaf in the wind. There are so many emotions that are over flowing in my heart and I can't control them. Sorrow, envy, and hatred. To no end would a knife feel comfortable in my heart right now. Just to end this relenting torment. My veins course with fury, I can't pull it back. My head and mind are at war; I can't decide what I want to do with it. My head wants me to hate those with talent that I cannot poses. No matter how hard I try. I work and work, sometimes until tears burn my eyes, just to make something decent, but apparently that not good enough for people. I guess I envy you all, making me want to hate all of you for the talent you have. Its not right and my heart knows it, so I have kept my secret from becoming known to you. Buried beneath all of this envy lies a part of me that i happy for you. I'm torn between these two things and so it takes on the form of sorrow and confusion. Its like I don't know who I am anymore. My dreams are no longer dreams but nightmare; full of pain and torture. I have frequently found myself waking in the middle of the and run to the bathroom, wanting to vomit. I occasionally spend some nights there feeling it caught in the back of my throat, unable to get out. God it hurts so much. I'm crippled from the need to keep up with everyone around me, unable to find my own pace. When someone asks something of me I am too slow and they end up getting what they have requested of me done before I can even do anything, so I drown in my own failure. This is not a guilt trip, I just need to speak my mind before I explode.
So many things have gone wrong in my life, and none of them I can fix. Overloaded I have failed in school and will become a 5th year student, I have Multiple Sclerosis, various medications, no job, my future career with the Air force is blown away with my disability, my family has broken apart, lax skills in art, some of my friends have left me for my orientation and because I'm a furry, I'm always tired. With all of this piled on my shoulder...I just feel like I can't live anymore. I'm suffocating beneath the weight of my burdens. Stress on my psyche has developed into PTSD. I want to die to protect everyone because I'm n the border of snapping. I don't want to hurt anyone. These words are not set in stone just yet, but they are but one of very few options left for me. I can't take it, I'm mad at everything, I don't want to be.
The only thing I can ask of anyone anymore i: Do I have a purpose in living? Do I have a reason to? I cannot see the light of hope, only darkness, I NEED someone to show me the light, please. I'm afraid to die, I don't want to, but I want to protect everyone from this demon in me, this dark hate. Please, give me a reason to live. I don't want to cry myself to sleep anymore.
I felt awful and had no idea if anything would go my way. I eventually managed to talk myself out of it and somehow I felt a lot better. I don’t remember how or why anymore, but I vowed to never fall into such a depressed state again, and I’ve survived a lot of hard times since thinking to myself that as long as I hang on that I can keep going!
As a person I can tell you, There is a lot more to life than these few chains.
As a friend I can tell you, I will do whatever in my power to help you cheer up again.