For those of you who know me, rather for a short or long period of time, I'm sure you're aware that I'm depressed, as I make it pretty obvious. If you didn't know, well here's some new knowledge about me. This is NOT a cry for help, or a plea for attention, nor am I fishing for compliments or any of that, I just feel like writing this to explain why I am the way I am, and why I think the way I do and is a bit of a way to vent. I also feel this is a way to clear any worry that some may have for me. Before I start, I want to thank all of those people who stuck by me all this time, check in on me to see how I am, and put up with me whenever I'm in the darkest of places, I greatly appreciate it.. even when it seems like I don't..

To start, if you speak to me on occasion, and you ask me how things are, or how I'm feeling, there's a good chance I've replied with 'bad' or 'Depressed as usual'. I apologize if this seems annoying to any of you who talk to me, however, I would rather make it clear as to what I'm feeling, so that if for some reason I snap at you, it doesn't seem so.. 'random'. I also feel like I'm lying if I turn around to say 'I'm fine, you?' or something of the sorts, and lying is not something I enjoy doing. If I do lash out at you during a conversation, I apologize, and I don't mean it, however while already being in a very awful mood, sometimes its the simple things that just get to me.

I've been depressed for a long time now, at least 5+ years, however the reasons behind it have changed. It used to be bullying from school due to being short and skinny. School lead to a few short 'relationships' (literally a month or less, nothing to really be considered a real relationship) where by the end of those 'relationships', I felt worse than going into them based on how I was treated and I'm sure I can find a couple people who can agree that poorly may even be an underrated description for some of them. This ended up leading me to self esteem issues, as I felt like I wasn't good enough for anyone and that I was a terrible person who deserved to be treated poorly.

Self esteem is still my issue today, however I do -not- believe I deserve to be treated like dirt, I do however, feel as though I'm not good at most things that I enjoy, or anything that has real meaning (Like being decent with video games, or computers). I am working on resolving this, however getting mad at me for thinking the way I do, does -not- help. I'm starting to finally accept that I'm decent at my job, and that when I try to be, I can be a decent human being. I still hold many self loathing thoughts that I'm fighting to get through and even though I hear from many people that my thoughts and opinions of myself are wrong, it does not alter my opinion, although it does help me feel somewhat better. I'm also upset due to relationships, or rather the lack there of, but again, this is something I am actively working on..

Onto the topic that most people accompany with depression, and the one that people fear, is suicide. I want everyone who reads this to know that I will -NEVER- take action on any though I may have in regards to self harm of any kind. I'm not going to lie and say I never have thoughts like 'people would be better off without me', because I've had moments like those, as I'm sure most people who suffer from depression have. I deeply appreciate any worry that people have for me, and how they will be sure to show that they care for me and don't want to see anything happen. I will guarantee you that it won't. I have managed to fight through depression to a few points where I felt true happiness. I didn't care what negative thoughts were trying to run through my mind. I was happy to be alive and go about my day. Then the storm returned, things got dark again, but I still think of how it was to feel that happiness. The thought of that happiness, the amazing way it felt, as well as my friends and family being around me, are what keep me going. They are why whenever any self harm thought even tries to enter my mind, it gets shut out because I realize that it is not an answer, not a solution, and in no way is it worth doing.

So there you go.. a deep view into the dark parts of my head. If you read this, I thank and appreciate you for taking the time to do so. Please know that typing this up is a much easier way for me to explain everything, rather than talking face to face. Again, I want to thank each and every person who has stuck by me thus far, as I appreciate it to no end.