It started out as any average Sunday for me. Lots of work to do, so I got to work doing it. Steadily, the work would not get done, and deadlines approached. I worried, would i get them in on time? Would i get a good grade? These last projects were a big part of my grade... I had to get them done.

And now, two days later, I've broken down twice. Stress.... stress... i can't handle it. I'm too sensitive. Too soft. I can't do this... Tomorrow i have a test and a quiz, both of which i am completely unprepared for because of the projects i was rushing to finish for Monday and today. And ya think that after i turned them in that everything would be good. I bet it would have been. I turned in the last big project and breathed a big sigh of relief. A few hours later, i get a statistics test back with a big F on the front. Yet another addition to my depression.

It seems this one is here to stay too... I was upset Sunday, and tried to sleep it off, but things only got worse on Monday, so i tried to sleep it off again after i finished one of the big projects, thinking things would get better. Usually when i get upset, i sleep and the next day i would be fine. Sleep was like a reset button for me. But i guess the button broke, because Tuesday wasn't any better.

Now in my depression i'm questioning a lot of things.

Why am I like this? Why do i get so upset about every little thing? I thought i was getting better with dealing with things... but, I guess not.

With my art, I can't keep shading and highlighting the way i did in my mini back to basics series (Which has been discontinued due to this fact) because the way i did that does not work for anything else. When I figured out that shading and shining style, i was so incredibly happy. I thought i had something that made my art stand out, made it pop, made it awesome and unique. Even if it wasn't, i was incredibly happy with how it turned out. Now that i can't do it with my other art, what's the point...? I guess i'll just cell shade... even though i find it boring to do... I can't even improve on my own art, because im too critical on myself (GEE WHAT A SURPRISE). So yeah, I'm starting to dislike my own art... wonderful...

Also... am i even really a dragon inside? Dragons are supposed to be these awesome, wondrous creatures that are powerful and all that. They face any situation head on and don't care if they get hurt as long as it gets accomplished. At least, that's how i see it. But me? Nope. I'm timid, scared of many things, unwilling to speak my mind, i avoid confrontation in any situation, im becoming pessimistic. I'm just a mess. Long ago, my heart was broken, twice. I don't think it'll ever be completely healed...

I'm under so much stress right now... i just want to cry.. But surprise surprise, i can't seem to. I'll sit in a chair, alone in my room, listening to music, and a tear or two will come out. But that's it. Nothing more. I can't let out my emotions... I've kept them bottled up for so long, I don't know how to let them out... It's all my fault that this is happening to me. I'm such an idiot. I can't deal with situations correctly or efficiently or anything like that. Oh sure, i could try practicing my art, but what would that do exactly when practice and perfectionism don't exactly mix well in my mind. A messy sketch of anything just looks like a mess to me, and then the line art I've been doing just looks boring.

I can't.... i can't keep doing this... i don't know what to do... I've talked to my friends... my mate Neysa... and of course, they were all so helpful, with wonderful advice that surely would have worked. If I ever listened... But nope, in my depression, i just can't bring myself to do anything. Everything has become a dreaded chore for me. Walking, showering, socializing. I just can't... Recently, i was able to fight off depression episodes before they started. But, this time i was too weak...

I've always been too weak... I don't know if i'll ever be strong. Its all my fault. I'm sorry everyone...