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Something That been keeping me awake at Night
11 years ago
I've been asked, how are you awake right now? After telling people how much I've slept. Most of the night, it's just me being alone with my thoughts. I don't wonder why, I know. I stay up, anything to keep myself pre-occupied to the point of sleep deprevation. I think about those thoughts im left with, sometimes I feel like Snickers never left. Sometimes I feel like I have a giant hole, that will never be filled again. That'll only keep getting larger until there's nothing left.
When she died it took me a long time to get used to that I wouldn't be woke up in the middle of the night anymore, that she wouldn't be there sleeping between my legs, there'd be no more kisses or loud purring when I cried. When she first died, it felt like she was still here and I do remember feeling like there were paw steps on my bed. A dream where I finally got to say goodbye the right way.
Princess reminds me a lot of her, it makes me feel like sometimes she never left. There's so much that she does like her sometimes I just cry. They probably would've played together. I have to get after her sometimes, like how I used to get after snickers.
I've listened to multiple people tell me god this, heaven that and rainbow bridge. But im an atheist, that doesn't comfort me that the guilt that I feel about my baby dying because no one would listen to me. I feel it more, with the topic about my dogs health constantly being brought up by my sister who didn't take care of her. I don't feel like, I should make the choice to put an animal down when I don't know what happens when you die. Everything is afraid of death and they fight it tooth and nail, I don't feel like I should take that away from her if she is that bad.
It used to comfort me, that although I don't believe in a "god" that there was something there. By the amount of paranormal activity I've come into contact with, I couldn't explain certain things. I've sensed things, I didn't even know a house of a ex-boyfriends was haunted until I think it was a year when he ended up talking about it. It mainly freaked me out, since the vibes I got wasn't friendly and it made me uncomfortable about being in a room alone. They say that if you can sense them they come to you, unfortunately I've had the pleasure of being attacked. It caused me to stop going to the cemetery to visit my grandfather's grave. I haven't had horrible nightmares since moving.
I don't really feel comfort anymore, I feel not sure again about what happens when you die. I haven't been in any paranormal contact since last year which is in a way great because I didn't want anything bad following me home when my home was peaceful.
I've already almost drowned at Letchworth when I fell out of a raft on a class trip. I blinked and suddenly I was surrounded by gold colored water, I cant swim extremely well so panic set in. Until with a jolt my brain realized that was a bad idea since we had been near a rock wall. I did float back up, but I was sweapt under again trying to catch my breath. It was quiet, almost peaceful. I had been in a rougher part of the river, I realized that when I was back up and saw another girl that had fallen out of the raft almost peacefully floating on the otherside of the river. I was calling for help, but they were going to get her first. I spotted a ore and clung onto it. By the time they got me in the raft I was shaking and tired.
With my life the way it is, if I died tomorrow would I really be proud of my accomplishments? yeah I did some good, but I also did bad. I don't feel like anyone would remember me. And the way my life is it only consists of working a meager job, with a painful shoulder injury. I get up work, eat, sleep. That isn't something that I wanna do for the rest of my life. I wanna do something that makes me happy, that's worth rolling out of bed and makes a difference.
When she died it took me a long time to get used to that I wouldn't be woke up in the middle of the night anymore, that she wouldn't be there sleeping between my legs, there'd be no more kisses or loud purring when I cried. When she first died, it felt like she was still here and I do remember feeling like there were paw steps on my bed. A dream where I finally got to say goodbye the right way.
Princess reminds me a lot of her, it makes me feel like sometimes she never left. There's so much that she does like her sometimes I just cry. They probably would've played together. I have to get after her sometimes, like how I used to get after snickers.
I've listened to multiple people tell me god this, heaven that and rainbow bridge. But im an atheist, that doesn't comfort me that the guilt that I feel about my baby dying because no one would listen to me. I feel it more, with the topic about my dogs health constantly being brought up by my sister who didn't take care of her. I don't feel like, I should make the choice to put an animal down when I don't know what happens when you die. Everything is afraid of death and they fight it tooth and nail, I don't feel like I should take that away from her if she is that bad.
It used to comfort me, that although I don't believe in a "god" that there was something there. By the amount of paranormal activity I've come into contact with, I couldn't explain certain things. I've sensed things, I didn't even know a house of a ex-boyfriends was haunted until I think it was a year when he ended up talking about it. It mainly freaked me out, since the vibes I got wasn't friendly and it made me uncomfortable about being in a room alone. They say that if you can sense them they come to you, unfortunately I've had the pleasure of being attacked. It caused me to stop going to the cemetery to visit my grandfather's grave. I haven't had horrible nightmares since moving.
I don't really feel comfort anymore, I feel not sure again about what happens when you die. I haven't been in any paranormal contact since last year which is in a way great because I didn't want anything bad following me home when my home was peaceful.
I've already almost drowned at Letchworth when I fell out of a raft on a class trip. I blinked and suddenly I was surrounded by gold colored water, I cant swim extremely well so panic set in. Until with a jolt my brain realized that was a bad idea since we had been near a rock wall. I did float back up, but I was sweapt under again trying to catch my breath. It was quiet, almost peaceful. I had been in a rougher part of the river, I realized that when I was back up and saw another girl that had fallen out of the raft almost peacefully floating on the otherside of the river. I was calling for help, but they were going to get her first. I spotted a ore and clung onto it. By the time they got me in the raft I was shaking and tired.
With my life the way it is, if I died tomorrow would I really be proud of my accomplishments? yeah I did some good, but I also did bad. I don't feel like anyone would remember me. And the way my life is it only consists of working a meager job, with a painful shoulder injury. I get up work, eat, sleep. That isn't something that I wanna do for the rest of my life. I wanna do something that makes me happy, that's worth rolling out of bed and makes a difference.
