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Downhearted.
11 years ago
I guess I lose.
Ain't no reason to be writing this in particular. Feels like I need to put this down somewhere before I end up losing my mind, though. What lies behind some elusive answers or words that seem just words are deceiving like the eyes of a person that has been abused for years but won't admit it. I have been after a change, though I guess it isn't happening. When usual distractions are not even there to keep you busy, the road changes into an abysm. Today I feel cornered since I turned around and saw that even the path behind me has gotten dark. So where do I go? Up in the sky things look better.
Even if I want to stay stable, I know it's just a matter of time before I get irrational. I have seen that happen to all those around me, and I deal with it day after day. When madness comes again to take me away I might no longer offer any resistance. Becoming like them could be a way out.
Ain't no reason to be writing this in particular. Feels like I need to put this down somewhere before I end up losing my mind, though. What lies behind some elusive answers or words that seem just words are deceiving like the eyes of a person that has been abused for years but won't admit it. I have been after a change, though I guess it isn't happening. When usual distractions are not even there to keep you busy, the road changes into an abysm. Today I feel cornered since I turned around and saw that even the path behind me has gotten dark. So where do I go? Up in the sky things look better.
Even if I want to stay stable, I know it's just a matter of time before I get irrational. I have seen that happen to all those around me, and I deal with it day after day. When madness comes again to take me away I might no longer offer any resistance. Becoming like them could be a way out.
I have gotten a little bit of the same when my distractions have become overly dull.... specially when things get stressfull around the house.... can really be hard not wanting to just stick ones head in a hole
For me it was my job barely keeping me afloat....if I can even say that, stressful on me and my mate feeling like were just wasting years of our lives, at times its gotten me and him both rather close to some bad endings, but we managed to hold one another from the brink.
My heart goes out to those, specially those who both know how to treat their mate, and have been through more shit alone than they should have.
About all you can do is keep working on those distractions; be it meeting new people (great distractions usually) or maybe dusting off some old hobby up on a shelf.
About the closest I could see getting to being done with everything, would be over the loss of a loved one, I'd feel....madness.....occasionally blank emptiness until i can no longer hold back, delving back into total madness. I know this because a good close friend of mine passed away when the pain from an aneurysm lead to him taking his own life..... happy puppy I always loved and had crushed on for years..... gone. I was Lucky, to say the least, that I was able to feel close to him, and share a few intimate moments with. I was never brave enough to try to make more of the relationship, had I and he had passed with me as his mate.... I dont know bad things would of gotten.
After his and the passing of a few other friends..... I find myself amazed and happy that I was lucky enough to have been a part of their lives..... to get to know people who would come to have profound effects upon not only my happiness, but who I am as a person.
If it weren't for knowing the pain of loss, I would wish that when my ending comes, the void will be immeasurable.
When a roomate of me and my mates passed away, I was amazed by the funeral, I knew he was a great guy, but just how many people came to share their times and tears over the man..... I can only hope I make such a difference.
I wish you all the hugs from those you still have, and hope you find yourself befriended by people you never fathomed could exist with such hearts, that some of us feel were lost from this planet long ago.