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OH AN UPDATE HAI EVERYONE
11 years ago
Hey all. Long time no hear. I guess you could say I’ve just been -tired- lately, which kinda bugs me. IT’s always been an impending sign of depression, though these days I’m trying to keep it in my head that I’m also working more and sleeping less. I’ve been sleeping in a bed about 5 inches too short for me with boards underneath a single mattress. Needless to say it’s had me hurting, right along with my wisdom teeth.
Chronic back and neck pain plus chronic tooth pain equals a serious sleep deficit.
I did my first trio today! Went down to Houston and back to Comanche. I didn’t drove, only rode, and I really got to feel the difference between an empty trailer and a loaded one. I’m hauling food grade, which means they’re smooth bore tanks. There’s no baffles dividing the space so the milk is able to slosh back and forth pretty freely. And there was one time where my trainer had to brake hard due to an idiot driver in front of us, and the milk went forward, back, and then came back and slapped us pretty hard in the back. So definitely a challenge!
My trainer is a hoot. He’s an older fella, kinda portly and short. But he listens to the most absolute bubble gum pop music. Katy Perry. Lady Gaga. All the latest hip hop and Top 100 stations. He even sings and whistles along. It’s actually kind of adorable in a way. 99 percent of the time it’s country and rock’n’roll. Not this guy. He’s jammin’ to the latest Lorde song and lovin’ every second. He’s pretty awesome. I can tell he’s pretty young at heart.
Something interesting. On my last day of training up at Abernathy at the school, I was driving back in the company suv with a guy who was pretty smart. A devout Christian. We got into some pretty interesting discussion about religion, and I confessed to him that I was pretty standoffish about it because I was planning on transitioning, yadda yadda. I trust him to keep it in confidence, and he said he would. And from my time spent with him I have no doubt that he’ll stay true to that.
What was strange, though, was him saying that he respected me, but he didn’t agree with what I was doing. He more or less implied that he wishes that I’ll eventually “find my way” to light, in the metaphorical sense. His stance on homosexuality was the same. It’s their choice. He won’t judge. He was adamant that it was against his beliefs, and he was pretty solid that the only god was a Christian god.
That’s a weird feeling to be talking like that with the unspoken statement that I was a sinner by just being who I was (though he wouldn’t see it as me doing that--but just being a sinner). He believed that the reason he knew it was wrong was because us queer types and homogays lived shorter lives due to health, as a statistic. I stopped him there and explained the only reason that was a statistic was because gay, queer, and trans types and what had shorter lifespans because of assault, murder, and suicide. He actually thought long and hard on it, but didn’t say either way on whether or not he’d buy it.
Which, in the end, isn’t for me to ask for. This isn’t a rant or even something that upset my day in any way. I certainly don’t need his acceptance to go through with transition. It was just… -interesting-. That’s all. Of course, I would love to have his -approval- in general. But I want lots of thing. And not even most of the things I want are right, even though they’d be nice to have.
Again it was just something that left me thinking long and hard. Someone who was respectful, but seemed to sit on a bit of an unspoken implication. But religion is funny like that. So is transition. :p I more or less left it that I didn’t really approve of the strict, Biblical Christianity anyhow, so we left well enough alone and had a nice trip.
Other than, how’ve y’all been, sweet hearts? I’ve been okay other than a bit of dysphonia here and there. I gained a little weight and body and facial hair is bothering me in general. But I think I’ll be alright anyhow. I’m making the money I need now so it’s only a matter of time. I have many things want to do that are merely money needful. Moving out is the first, starting pay back for student loans is the second, and getting electrolysis is the third. But that’ll come in its own time.
Peace and love y’all. <33
~Red
OH also, shoutout to Reddit for being a cool place to waste time and meet cool people. 0:
Chronic back and neck pain plus chronic tooth pain equals a serious sleep deficit.
I did my first trio today! Went down to Houston and back to Comanche. I didn’t drove, only rode, and I really got to feel the difference between an empty trailer and a loaded one. I’m hauling food grade, which means they’re smooth bore tanks. There’s no baffles dividing the space so the milk is able to slosh back and forth pretty freely. And there was one time where my trainer had to brake hard due to an idiot driver in front of us, and the milk went forward, back, and then came back and slapped us pretty hard in the back. So definitely a challenge!
My trainer is a hoot. He’s an older fella, kinda portly and short. But he listens to the most absolute bubble gum pop music. Katy Perry. Lady Gaga. All the latest hip hop and Top 100 stations. He even sings and whistles along. It’s actually kind of adorable in a way. 99 percent of the time it’s country and rock’n’roll. Not this guy. He’s jammin’ to the latest Lorde song and lovin’ every second. He’s pretty awesome. I can tell he’s pretty young at heart.
Something interesting. On my last day of training up at Abernathy at the school, I was driving back in the company suv with a guy who was pretty smart. A devout Christian. We got into some pretty interesting discussion about religion, and I confessed to him that I was pretty standoffish about it because I was planning on transitioning, yadda yadda. I trust him to keep it in confidence, and he said he would. And from my time spent with him I have no doubt that he’ll stay true to that.
What was strange, though, was him saying that he respected me, but he didn’t agree with what I was doing. He more or less implied that he wishes that I’ll eventually “find my way” to light, in the metaphorical sense. His stance on homosexuality was the same. It’s their choice. He won’t judge. He was adamant that it was against his beliefs, and he was pretty solid that the only god was a Christian god.
That’s a weird feeling to be talking like that with the unspoken statement that I was a sinner by just being who I was (though he wouldn’t see it as me doing that--but just being a sinner). He believed that the reason he knew it was wrong was because us queer types and homogays lived shorter lives due to health, as a statistic. I stopped him there and explained the only reason that was a statistic was because gay, queer, and trans types and what had shorter lifespans because of assault, murder, and suicide. He actually thought long and hard on it, but didn’t say either way on whether or not he’d buy it.
Which, in the end, isn’t for me to ask for. This isn’t a rant or even something that upset my day in any way. I certainly don’t need his acceptance to go through with transition. It was just… -interesting-. That’s all. Of course, I would love to have his -approval- in general. But I want lots of thing. And not even most of the things I want are right, even though they’d be nice to have.
Again it was just something that left me thinking long and hard. Someone who was respectful, but seemed to sit on a bit of an unspoken implication. But religion is funny like that. So is transition. :p I more or less left it that I didn’t really approve of the strict, Biblical Christianity anyhow, so we left well enough alone and had a nice trip.
Other than, how’ve y’all been, sweet hearts? I’ve been okay other than a bit of dysphonia here and there. I gained a little weight and body and facial hair is bothering me in general. But I think I’ll be alright anyhow. I’m making the money I need now so it’s only a matter of time. I have many things want to do that are merely money needful. Moving out is the first, starting pay back for student loans is the second, and getting electrolysis is the third. But that’ll come in its own time.
Peace and love y’all. <33
~Red
OH also, shoutout to Reddit for being a cool place to waste time and meet cool people. 0:
Regardless, I'm still happy that you have the job you wanted. I really hope things go well for you there. Here's hoping for a successful, happy transition! c=
Of course I don't say it completely like that but I more or less said that I didn't have faith in the Bible as a perfect representation of God's word merely due to the fallibility of man. And furthermore, I feel like even if those rules in that day and place were actually set forth by God and such, then it was for a YOUNG human society that needed to have these stricter rules. Just as we "grow" out of our own rules, I believe society has grown past homogays being a bad thing. Maybe if there's like, an absolute NEED to advance the human species, I feel like maybe there's some justification behind that rule. But obviously we have no issue like that now. Thus, we can dismiss that rule because we've grown as a species.
Good to hear things are going where they're going. But I wish you weren't in pain ;n; The bed thing is a tall people problem. :V Any chance you could find one to your height requirements? Also, not sure if it will help at all, but maybe a sleeping bag might help. I know it sounds fucking weird, but when I used to have to sleep on bad surfaces, I would lay on top a sleeping bag. Not inside it, but I sometimes would, but on top of the whole thing. It was kind of pillowy and it helped my back problems. Also helps for when you need a cuddle but there's no one there. *Things Chuchi learned after bad breakups.*
A little weight gaaaaaaain? #girlproblems
But seriously, Winter is coming, you need it to survive! As for the hair thing, if it's bugging you bad, you could pick up some of those little wax strips from Wal Mart or Walgreens or wherever. They're good for problem spots, don't take much prep or cleanup. They're basically little strips that you rub in between your hands to heat the wax, apply to desired area, rip that bitch off, voila.
Fffffff I'm so happy that you're doing what you want to do. You're getting stuff in line and you're going places and fffffraajlkasdjf I'm so happy for you and proud of you♥
I can't wait till you're sending out postcards of you sitting on the adorable tiny porch of your adorable tiny house. It might take some time, but you will get there, I just know it.
Keep on keepin' on girl! ♥
Also, your trainer sounds so adorable. x3
And not likely until I move out, sadly. I'm kind of...sleeping diagonal on the bed? It works but because of the boards underneath it's pretty painful. I'd rather have back pain than neck pain, in all honesty though. AND I NEED A SLEEPING BAG. Not cause of my bed. But just in general. I need one. AND CUDDLES. GOD. I'VE SO LONELY. I NEED TO MOVE WHERE ALL THE QUEERS ARE BECAUSE THIS TOTALLY-STRAIGHT-NO-HOMO-COWBOY SHIT IS KILLING ME.
And bah. YES. I'VE GOT A LITTLE BIT OF TUM. sosuemeidontgiveafuckokayalittlebutfuckyou. In all honesty it's not that bad. I'm just super self conscious about 15 percent of the time. Most times I don't give a fuck, but I -know- I've been totally stress eating lately. My candy habit has been super bad (hence the terrible teeth issues). As for the wax strips, I think I'll try 'em! I just shy away from things that are rough on skin cause my skin is kinda sensitive. I have to shave veeeery carefully, and it's never a close shave, and that's a lot of frustration in general. But I'll get over it. :B Think I may get some makeup eventually.
AND ACK. QUIT BEING PROUD. I'M JUST A WEIRDO IN TEXAS DOING WEIRDO THINGS. XWX I am looking forward to the future though. Which is a weird thing to feel after so long of going LA LA LA LA FUTURE DOESNT EXIST -continues to make poor choices-.
Thanks for all the awesome words. <3 <3 <3
And yesssss he's pretty cool. Very eccentric. I'm glad to know him.
Nah, don't worry about that little bit, that will be pretty quick to lose once you trim your candy intake and the stress goes away.
I would give you all the cuddles! Seriously, if you can, sleeping bags are like mobile cuddle units. I NEED 15 MINs of CUDDOHS STAT *zipwigglewiggle* :3 All better. I mean, they aren't even close to the real deal, but they make for a good substitute.
BFFFFfine, I'm not proud anymore of someone who stopped all their stupid shit activity, cleaned themselves up, made a huge life altering decision, stuck to their guns to chase their dreams despite a lot of shit trying to change their mind and hold them back, oh and getting out there and actually pursuing a career they've always wanted, no there's nothing to admire there, mmnope. :V
I've always got nice words for you, chica.
Some mean ones, too, if you ever need them.
Stay safe out there on the roads! ♥
And I think I need to go buy a sleeping bag like. Tomorrow. (Or next time i get paid, really).
lkajsndgjh Bah, well, I'm not perfect. Warning: Incoming disappointment alert. Admittedly I've been out of it because on my last week in training at Lubbock, I met up with my friend and I drank, which I was okay with. It was fun and I enjoyed myself. And then I dropped my inhibitions and I smoked, which wasn't okay and had me really terrified since my tolerance was completely dropped out and I was back to being a paranoid flake. It was ONE hit and I was gone and feeling terrible about it in general. Not only did I get paranoid about my job (I drank a fuck ton of water, despite it being one hit), I felt like it was a testament to my lack of willpower in certain situations.
So it was a blow to the morale. Not gonna lie. I used the "one last hoorah" as an excuse to smoke, and it was a direct result of my inhibitions being dropped through drinking. I'm back home and I'm driving and much more focused, but I feel like I've got to reorient. I need to stay away from ANYTHING that can risk my job. If it's a day off, and I'm with friends, yeah okay, lets go the bar, smoke cigs, and play poker. But if anyone even HINTS towards pot I've got to like, run, because it's too much of a temptation.
I could try and justify smoking to myself by saying, "Well, only one hit every few months, so long as drink plenty of water, will be okay", but that will only lead to it being once a month... then once every two weeks... to once a week... etc. I've been kicking my own ass on this cause I know it was STUPID STUPID STUPID. I was enjoying myself like I'd never done before. There was no pressure to drink. Nothing to run from. Nothing to hide. It was just stories and cigs and poker and fun. (I -smoked- everyone at poker and won 50 bucks in a 24 person tournament, mwahah) And then I got cocky and thought I could hang out with my old smoking buddies and NOT smoke while around them, and proved myself wrong in the worst way.
So it's like. Official. I can't hang out with stoners anymore. At all. Not until I decide smoking is more important than making the money and life that I want to have.
Also, I'm a little disappointed yeah, but I'm some random person on the internet anyway and it's not like you're rolling around naked in a barrel of cocaine or something. But I know that, even though you made the slip up, you clearly knew it was a bad choice and regret it. I'm fairly certain you yourself will be the biggest deterrent to stupid behavior, as you know you've got a lot riding on staying clean and you care about yourself. So while I might be like 'frown oh noooo' with that instance of slipping, I'm just glad you have your priorities straight and recognize it was a bad choice. No one can ask you to be perfect, none of us are perfect, but I'm just happy you value your goals more than 'having too much fun.' C:
You just pulled the "I'm just disappointed" card on me. Oh my god. I honestly have not felt this many guilty feels for a very long time. AND I DESERVE EVERY BIT OF EM. ;; Because I do care for you, I do relate, and I do consider you important in my life (more than just a -random internet person-) you words do matter to me. And I'm glad to have em, be it positive or negative.
And yeah I'm like----trying to budget money I don't have, haha. I do have priorities though. After a bit of math magic I figured I'll be making around 45,000 a year while I'm hauling dairy (I could always make more elsewhere, but I'll have to see how badly I need/want the money). This is compared to an average of... 7,000-11,000 a year doing ball busting work that I hated. I'm solidly middle class (though, laughably, one article classified truck drivers as an "anxious struggling lower middle class" bracket that was making no more than 32,000, mwahaahah). I've never been obsessed with status or "class" in any sense, but there's a certain pleasure in knowing that I'm no longer in POVERTY. Which is what I was. Rising above that is a sense of empowerment, and one I need and WILL focus on.
Plus, making 40g a year in TEXAS where I can rent a 3 bedroom for 950 a month if I so wished? That's like.... banking, yo. If I get a roommate, or downsize myself to efficient living, I could honestly have my student loans paid in 5 years or less, with plenty of comfort and room to save on the side for important things at the same time. That's... that's something! A lot of something!
The nice thing is that you only have to work to care for yourself, which when you have a rational sense of your needs (which you do have) makes budgeting really really easy. One person does not need a whole lot of finances to survive, even comfortably, especially when you can overcome the big social desires and 'norms' to live large and beyond your means. So with the income you'll be banking and your dedication to improving your life and living comfortably, I can really see you getting your debts under control and having your own little place in the time span you mentioned. And I can relate to not really caring about social labels, but I really wanted to get out of poverty, it just felt so bad being below the proverbial line. So you take that empowerment and focus and you keep on going up, and I just know you'll be one of those people that talks about making it and actually does it. You're not one of those people that sits on a couch and daydreams about what could be, you're actually out there getting it done and that is fucking awesome. ♥
Don't forget to find time to write in between road ventures and stuff! Gotta work on them books girl, who knows, those are like Wonka bars. Somewhere in there is the potential for a golden ticket. ;n; *keeps telling herself that but still doesn't work any faster* And then if you hit it big on one of your books, bayum, you can come visit me in Funland and we can do all the girly things. Motherfucking spa day. I've always wanted to have a spa day. Oh, and get our hair done. And oggle hot guys and gals at the gym, those are girly activities, right? x3
Just. I shudder.
And I am! I just. Need to read more. I think I'm gonna hit up this audible site and see what kind of ebooks they have and start looking for books on disc. Something more thought provoking as I drive. Also it'll help me kick start my creativity, because I've been blank for so very long. :c
And VACATION TO FINLAND IS IN MY TODO LIST. Seriodly I need to visit another country and I'm thinking Finland is the place to do it since you're the coolest person I know over seas. And a spa day. Oh god yes. And ogling hot individuals. Oh god yes pls. <33
There are a few sites around that have free ebooks, I saw a nice compilation of them on imgur a month ago. If I can ferret it out, I'll link that over to you.
Actually that might've been a joke.
Oh, just some friendly advice. Fix that tooth as soon as you can. You don't want to miss work with it and you definitely don't want it to abscess. I cannot stress how much you don't want that to happen.
But on another unrelated note...
YOU.
YOU.
YOU AMAZINGLY AWESOME AND TERRIFIC PERSON YOU.
I GOT MY PACKAGE IN THE MAIL. AND THERE'S LIKE. A BUNCHA AWESOME SHIT IN THERE FROM YOU. A GIFT CARD. AND WOOD ENGRAVING. AND THEN A MUTHER FUCKIN' TAIL.
YOU ARE AWESOME AND I THANK YOU VERY MUCH. AAAAAA I CANT STOP ALL CAPPING OVER THIS!!!!!
Seeing the happy reactions are the best! I has the happy feels now by proxy. C: