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There's Always Something...
11 years ago
General
So I was digging around in "My Documents" on my computer and stumbled across one of my older poems. 1,476 words set in quatrains, laying out all my ideas and thoughts that I struggled with at the time. I write poetry when I experience strong emotions; it helps me get them out and cope.
In the last three years I came to terms with many things. I used to cover up the things that happened to me when I was younger. I'd just bury them in the back of my mind and hope nothing would bring them up. This was my way with finally dealing with them.
At least that's what I'm now contemplating.
I don't know if it's even possible to truly and fully cope with the deaths of many loved ones, or watching someone die, or being molested by a family member. I can move on, but the thoughts seem to haunt the back of my mind. I can forgive, but I can't seem to forget.
I can forgive if someone harms me. That's not an issue; I'll need time. But if someone harms someone I love, I can't seem to get past that. I have such a distrust of other people, I've begun to wonder if it's even in me to change. Is this something I bring about myself with God's help or is it all Him?
Are there times, like right now where there's no one to talk to, that I just feel alone but I'm really not?
I know people go through hard times, I know other people have it worse, and I know that for some, it doesn't ever get better. I just find it hard to mix the previous statement with hope.
This entire semester has been a huge wreck. Only one thing went right out of literal thousands going wrong.
So, I'm not depressed: I'm jaded and lost. I know that persevering is the way to go, and I know that this is all worth it... But continuing is hard...
In the last three years I came to terms with many things. I used to cover up the things that happened to me when I was younger. I'd just bury them in the back of my mind and hope nothing would bring them up. This was my way with finally dealing with them.
At least that's what I'm now contemplating.
I don't know if it's even possible to truly and fully cope with the deaths of many loved ones, or watching someone die, or being molested by a family member. I can move on, but the thoughts seem to haunt the back of my mind. I can forgive, but I can't seem to forget.
I can forgive if someone harms me. That's not an issue; I'll need time. But if someone harms someone I love, I can't seem to get past that. I have such a distrust of other people, I've begun to wonder if it's even in me to change. Is this something I bring about myself with God's help or is it all Him?
Are there times, like right now where there's no one to talk to, that I just feel alone but I'm really not?
I know people go through hard times, I know other people have it worse, and I know that for some, it doesn't ever get better. I just find it hard to mix the previous statement with hope.
This entire semester has been a huge wreck. Only one thing went right out of literal thousands going wrong.
So, I'm not depressed: I'm jaded and lost. I know that persevering is the way to go, and I know that this is all worth it... But continuing is hard...
I can relate to how you're feeling over your past semester. These last two terms were a complete dive for me as well and I might easily be looking at failing my degree because of it. There's also been a hundred other things that have gone wrong this year, so yeah...
Feeling like our worlds seemingly burn around us is terrible and often we just feel like burying ourselves under our covers and turning off. Unfortunately, this tends to make things worse. Hard as it is, we have to just soldier on and hope that things turn out better. We take comfort in our work, our hobbies, and our friends and try to help the wound eventually heal. It's never easy, but we do the best we can.
I still have faith in the hope that things will get better, or they might. I think there's still hope for me. It's just hard for me to see that, since what happens in the past can sometimes blind us if we're not careful. Hopefully I can pull my GPA up with next semester, since I'm retaking three of my classes.
But until that happens, my only resolve is do what I can for the winter break and continue doing what I do.
And uh, I really appreciate your reply. Thank you.