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12/20/2014 05:30 AM
11 years ago
I haven't updated in quite some time. Mostly I can't find the motivation to talk to myself and I can't convince myself that what I'm doing with this log is beneficial to me. I'd like to have something to say other than to whine but honestly, I haven't the slightest idea what I can offer to anyone. So whining it shall be:
My grandfather passed away. It's been three weeks. The grave soil has settled, the casket's cold, etc etc. I wasn't able to attend the funeral because of my new job starting only a couple of days after. I'm heartbroken, distressed, and lethargic and it's led me to some darker places. Guilt's powerful like that despite there being nothing I could do about the old man dying 8 hours away from me. I'm just reaping what I sowed when I left my family behind. This is simply one of the consequences.
I fight tears back when I think about it and I bite my tongue when mentioning it pops into my head. I've remained quiet because I don't feel like I have the right to be upset and I don't think burdening anyone else is a fair trade for the "I'm sorry" I'll so pointlessly recieve. Save any reassurance you have, being a stubborn ass has come with practice. I've come to a few realizations however.
I'm no good at making friends. If I don't do something about this, my funeral won't have many attendees. I want to be remembered and if I can help it I'd like that remembrance to have positive connotations. I've found that my abrasive personality is effortless to maintain which means I'm idle. If I have time to be idle, I can be improving something. We'll start there.
I've come to a final conclusion on death and what I think happens when we die: Not enough happens when we die that it's worth sitting around waiting for. Dwelling on death and the point to life is just wasting the precious time we have. I have no doubt my grandfather knew he was dying. Based on how he went, there's no way he wasn't in excruciating pain in the week before he was hospitalized. I can't help but respect that he tried to go without a fuss and I can't even be mad that he would welcome death. He spent his time as he saw fit and his body wasn't doing much else besides rotting. Life is short, but the life in which we can freely spend is a hell of a lot shorter. Just living won't suffice anymore. People who are JUST living are no different from a vegetable, or an old guy who's spent his time. As much as I loved my grandfather I can't think of a single thing he did to leave a mark on the world. Maybe there's something I didn't know but he didn't have many friends, half of his children are shit (my dad included) and the last 15-20 years of his life he was basically dead weight. I believe wholeheartedly he was a good man and even though he wasn't dealt a good hand I believe he made the most of it.
That's all I have to report on. No writing or question this time around. I don't have it in me to be clever.
My grandfather passed away. It's been three weeks. The grave soil has settled, the casket's cold, etc etc. I wasn't able to attend the funeral because of my new job starting only a couple of days after. I'm heartbroken, distressed, and lethargic and it's led me to some darker places. Guilt's powerful like that despite there being nothing I could do about the old man dying 8 hours away from me. I'm just reaping what I sowed when I left my family behind. This is simply one of the consequences.
I fight tears back when I think about it and I bite my tongue when mentioning it pops into my head. I've remained quiet because I don't feel like I have the right to be upset and I don't think burdening anyone else is a fair trade for the "I'm sorry" I'll so pointlessly recieve. Save any reassurance you have, being a stubborn ass has come with practice. I've come to a few realizations however.
I'm no good at making friends. If I don't do something about this, my funeral won't have many attendees. I want to be remembered and if I can help it I'd like that remembrance to have positive connotations. I've found that my abrasive personality is effortless to maintain which means I'm idle. If I have time to be idle, I can be improving something. We'll start there.
I've come to a final conclusion on death and what I think happens when we die: Not enough happens when we die that it's worth sitting around waiting for. Dwelling on death and the point to life is just wasting the precious time we have. I have no doubt my grandfather knew he was dying. Based on how he went, there's no way he wasn't in excruciating pain in the week before he was hospitalized. I can't help but respect that he tried to go without a fuss and I can't even be mad that he would welcome death. He spent his time as he saw fit and his body wasn't doing much else besides rotting. Life is short, but the life in which we can freely spend is a hell of a lot shorter. Just living won't suffice anymore. People who are JUST living are no different from a vegetable, or an old guy who's spent his time. As much as I loved my grandfather I can't think of a single thing he did to leave a mark on the world. Maybe there's something I didn't know but he didn't have many friends, half of his children are shit (my dad included) and the last 15-20 years of his life he was basically dead weight. I believe wholeheartedly he was a good man and even though he wasn't dealt a good hand I believe he made the most of it.
That's all I have to report on. No writing or question this time around. I don't have it in me to be clever.
