yeaaaah as most of you know if you're early followers, I had a tumor about 5 years ago near xmas that nearly killed me, so winter and Christmas are a pretty hard time for me. You can tell me merry Christmas and such or even post as many Santa hats and Rudolph noses, just....I'd rather not celebrate it. many wonder why I don't do much for christmas, and the main reasons are 1) it triggers my PTSD from my tumor and 2) I'm not even a christian anymore so the holiday is meaningless to me.

I had to go to my sisters house with my family and her marriage family, so today was pretty damn hard even though I was there with my dog and only for 1 1/2 hours. So right now I'm alone and....I feel good about it. I really wish I didn't have to spend Christmas celebrating when all i do is feel triggered and miserable. My family knows the holiday and season are not good for my mental health, they try to make it easy for me by saying "it's ok if you don't stay long" but I wish I didn't have to do any of the festivities period. I absolutely hate Christmas and there's honestly nothing that will ever change that for the rest of my life. I feel horrid because of my PCD that fucks up my body, PTSD is fucking up my head so I hurt mentally and physically right now, just waiting for my pain killers to kick in.

Don't get me wrong, I won't ruin the holiday for everyone else by saying "BAH I HATE CHRISTMAS STOP CELEBRATING IT" but when I live alone and there will be a day where I'm unable to go home for Christmas, I swear I'll be the happiest person of the season because not celebrating this holiday would be wonderful for my health.

Idk why I'm even writing this journal....I guess I need to get the whole thing off my chest since I've never really spelled it out for anyone.

I just want every holiday to be Halloween to be honest. :V