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Happy New Year, Not So Happy Changes (warning long ass vent)
11 years ago
General
So, maybe 2 people will read this at all, but I need to post it all somewhere.
So, for the last two ish weeks, Swanson and I have had a lot, A LOT of problems. We fight almost every time we're together and even worse when we are apart. Mostly it is my fault. I am a mean ass, sociopathic, bipolar, abusive, manipulative bitch. I've known this most of my life. Well, Swan is rightfully fed up with my bullshit.
Last night we finally sat down and half talked out our problems, he decided to bring a mediator with him that was of AWFUL TASTE, seriously, this chick (while my friend) has the MOST assbackwards relationship I've ever seen. Well he didn't ask to bring her, so that mildly pissed me off.
Our biggest problem is that other people are in our relationship, and say all the "poly- blah blah" you want, your relationship should NOT include your mothers. I don't mean incest, I mean mothers actively having choices over your relationship. All this involvement by his and my mother has made it to the point where my verbal claws come out and I verbally abuse him over his mother, and his mother and I argue because she thinks she's better than me. It's pathetic on both her and I's end and I don't even want to be in his house because of it.
So, Swan gave me the choice all last night to either make the list of our pros and cons in the relationship, and wait a day, then we would sit down and see if it was fixable; OR we would break up right then and there.
Either way, his heart is going to be broken by the end.
I love him, I love him to the ends of the earth and back. But I can't handle his mother being in our relationship. I can't handle being looked down on because I have no money compared to them. I can't handle being told I have to go to college to be worth anything in this world, and I can't handle that him being in my house can actually kill him with his allergies.
When push comes to shove, I really think the healthier option is to break up. I really do. I don't know why I agreed to the list, I know I'm not physically or mentally capable of not fighting him and his mother. I know the changes he wants me to make will put out the fire I have, and make me lose myself into something I'm not. While I agree my tantrums need to stop, I also know that I feel unfulfilled with him, and with my life in general.
He is my safe place, he makes me so happy, and I do love him. But I'm so destructive, I don't think it's fair to be with him.
Even if we go through with the list, and I change completely, there's no promises either of us will be happy.
So, for the last two ish weeks, Swanson and I have had a lot, A LOT of problems. We fight almost every time we're together and even worse when we are apart. Mostly it is my fault. I am a mean ass, sociopathic, bipolar, abusive, manipulative bitch. I've known this most of my life. Well, Swan is rightfully fed up with my bullshit.
Last night we finally sat down and half talked out our problems, he decided to bring a mediator with him that was of AWFUL TASTE, seriously, this chick (while my friend) has the MOST assbackwards relationship I've ever seen. Well he didn't ask to bring her, so that mildly pissed me off.
Our biggest problem is that other people are in our relationship, and say all the "poly- blah blah" you want, your relationship should NOT include your mothers. I don't mean incest, I mean mothers actively having choices over your relationship. All this involvement by his and my mother has made it to the point where my verbal claws come out and I verbally abuse him over his mother, and his mother and I argue because she thinks she's better than me. It's pathetic on both her and I's end and I don't even want to be in his house because of it.
So, Swan gave me the choice all last night to either make the list of our pros and cons in the relationship, and wait a day, then we would sit down and see if it was fixable; OR we would break up right then and there.
Either way, his heart is going to be broken by the end.
I love him, I love him to the ends of the earth and back. But I can't handle his mother being in our relationship. I can't handle being looked down on because I have no money compared to them. I can't handle being told I have to go to college to be worth anything in this world, and I can't handle that him being in my house can actually kill him with his allergies.
When push comes to shove, I really think the healthier option is to break up. I really do. I don't know why I agreed to the list, I know I'm not physically or mentally capable of not fighting him and his mother. I know the changes he wants me to make will put out the fire I have, and make me lose myself into something I'm not. While I agree my tantrums need to stop, I also know that I feel unfulfilled with him, and with my life in general.
He is my safe place, he makes me so happy, and I do love him. But I'm so destructive, I don't think it's fair to be with him.
Even if we go through with the list, and I change completely, there's no promises either of us will be happy.
