I wouldn't post this anywhere else, just because in some strange way I feel like it doesn't belong anywhere else.

I honestly don't even know where to begin. Life's a train wreck ever since dad passed. It's made me realize a lot of things I'd have rather remained ignorant about. I'm terrified of leaving this place and starting out on my own... but at the same time, I want nothing more than to be set free. When I'm driving away from this town I'm the happiest. When it feels like I'm going somewhere; when it feels like I've got something going, I feel free.

I'm terrified I'm going to fail though. Terrified that the stresses of the world will eat me alive, leave me hollow and drive me to drink away my health and finances. Terrified that even though I feel passionate about my choice in career that I won't be given a chance, or that if I am that I won't be able to handle the workload. I'm scared that I'm weaker than everyone else - that a 9-5 job will literally eat me alive and that the rest of the world will only laugh because they can handle it, and always have been able to. I'm terrified I won't be able to.

There's no reason for these fears. I know what I'm doing; I know what I need to be looking for in life but there's something just under the surface constantly that feels wrong. I'm not lazy by a long shot, but I feel like I am because I haven't done or gotten what I'd hoped to have done and seen at my current age. Time it seems is not my friend this time around. Sometimes I think it never is a friend.

I've been filling my world with sexual distractions. Fetishes, toys, games, and pornography; none of it is real. The truth is I've invented it in an effort to run away from the truth and the reality I live with.

I'm extremely blessed to be able to still live with my mom and I know that it's technically okay like this since the economy is so fucking awful, but at the same time - It's horrible. It's horrible because I haven't 'tried' yet, and that's killing me.

I'm in a constant, internal struggle. I portray myself as who I 'want' to be. My music, my profiles, my writing, -everything; it's all what I 'want' to be, but it's so far from where I currently am that it bothers me endlessly.

In 2014 I mourned the loss of my father and ran and hid, as, rightfully I was entitled to. This year, 2015, I can no longer allow myself to run away from my problems. I cannot let the fear of failure eat me alive. I cannot sit here and chew this to the bone anymore. I'm not really sure why I write this let alone post it but I can only assume it's because I wish to god that somewhere out there someone exists that has gone through the same things as me or is currently facing the same shit.

Needless to say this is all caused my cub side to retreat into utter darkness, which is only making things worse. I can't even relax this stress away with padding anymore.

There's got to be some way of me fighting this.
There's got to be.
Because I don't back down, and I don't really want to spend the rest of my life grinding my teeth.