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6AM apifony ( don't need to read unless your nosey as hell )
11 years ago
Or whatever it's spelled or called
I .. I'm just an emotional wreck and im keeping this here for self reminder cause I always stealth my way to this website and look to this page so for when I do go here I remember why I try to stay sane .
A monster that I am .. Spawned from the mother and father that burned their ways into my head ... do I slowly crumble to their level and wonder why my existence suffers ... I try to please and do the best I can for acceptance when all others see me as a traitor or one sided or use people as toys for a game when really I was the pawn in their game all along where I wasn't needed .. I was not the bishop to check the king or protect the queen . I was meant to be put along and see where te weakness will lie ..Hostility grows and as I suffer from the loathing of it does my self pity grow and depression deepen even more . People wonder why I am depressed .. It's cause I see and reflect and remember and never forget .. I never forget the pain .. I never forget the smiles either ... The smiles I could feel through the stern faces and how I could feel some warmth through the cold exterior I been forced to put up behind such a false smile . That it be I don't even know myself .. Wether I am truly happy or sad is in question .. Maybe when I can finally cry .... Or when I need to force my smile away will i be able to tell the difference between the two , but till then confusion and bile fill me .. Day by day wondering what twisted creation that I am ... Why was i created ... For a man to leave his creation for nothing and to let it rot like the pawn he is .. And for the queen to abandon her kingdom ... Forcing the enemy to surround me ... Watch the one who served under them ...
Mother .. Father ... I no longer serve you ... You can at least tell me ... Did you at least use me to your liking ... I failed you both ...
I failed everyone ..
I'm still failing ...
But I'm trying hard not to .. Only to hopefuly be useful later .. For someone to need me .. Someone to truely appreciate my existance and use me to better their lives and make them smile the way I hopefully can share a smile and not fake it anymore ... Till then
I'm twisted and unanswered still trying to figure out my objective ...
I .. I'm just an emotional wreck and im keeping this here for self reminder cause I always stealth my way to this website and look to this page so for when I do go here I remember why I try to stay sane .
A monster that I am .. Spawned from the mother and father that burned their ways into my head ... do I slowly crumble to their level and wonder why my existence suffers ... I try to please and do the best I can for acceptance when all others see me as a traitor or one sided or use people as toys for a game when really I was the pawn in their game all along where I wasn't needed .. I was not the bishop to check the king or protect the queen . I was meant to be put along and see where te weakness will lie ..Hostility grows and as I suffer from the loathing of it does my self pity grow and depression deepen even more . People wonder why I am depressed .. It's cause I see and reflect and remember and never forget .. I never forget the pain .. I never forget the smiles either ... The smiles I could feel through the stern faces and how I could feel some warmth through the cold exterior I been forced to put up behind such a false smile . That it be I don't even know myself .. Wether I am truly happy or sad is in question .. Maybe when I can finally cry .... Or when I need to force my smile away will i be able to tell the difference between the two , but till then confusion and bile fill me .. Day by day wondering what twisted creation that I am ... Why was i created ... For a man to leave his creation for nothing and to let it rot like the pawn he is .. And for the queen to abandon her kingdom ... Forcing the enemy to surround me ... Watch the one who served under them ...
Mother .. Father ... I no longer serve you ... You can at least tell me ... Did you at least use me to your liking ... I failed you both ...
I failed everyone ..
I'm still failing ...
But I'm trying hard not to .. Only to hopefuly be useful later .. For someone to need me .. Someone to truely appreciate my existance and use me to better their lives and make them smile the way I hopefully can share a smile and not fake it anymore ... Till then
I'm twisted and unanswered still trying to figure out my objective ...
And I most definatly can tell you that you are not a monster, you are one of the sweetest, almost scaringly sincere and friendly person I had the pleasure to meet. You carry a huge load on your shoulders and I just wish you would just go to the people who love you and get support, care and comfort. I am not good at this but I still feel I have to say something in the faint hopes you can draw at least a little bit of comfort out of this. Whatever happens... your internet mom has always wide open arms for you, whatever will happen, don't care for anything other than your well being in this situation.
On another note you're not a monster, just because you grew up around parents that manipulate and treat others like trash doesn't mean you going to turn into the or you're like them at all, you've shown me from the time I've talked to you that you've chosen the right path unlike your parents, you care for people and you would never use anyone just like us who love you would never want to use you.
You must use that fear of turning into a monster as the main fuel of your motivation towards a better life. Leave your home, if that means leave your home town, do it so, and when once you find your place of your own sever the ties that you have with your parents at least for a year. Do not visit them and if they want to visit you avoid them, just maintain contact trough phone or the internet in a very sporadic manner. Try to find a job that fulfills you or at least makes you feel comfortable, try to also get into college and if you can in a near future, create a business. Having a long term project would help you find your place in life and cast away the ghost of the past.
It is not to be easy, you will fall several times, but not despair, if you hold onto your determination you will prevail. You can always relay on people like Alex and Kewmey when you feel down.
You are your own architect.