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BiPolar Depression
11 years ago
General
My name is Greg.... and I have BiPolar Depression....
This means, that I can go from happy and motivated, to, I am fighting with myself not to jerk the steering wheel into on coming highway traffic and hoping the accident is fatal.
The last few days have been very hard. Plans have fallen through, relationships hit new low, and I broke down crying in public because I cannot afford the medication I desperately need.
I currently do not have health insurance, and I am only a temp worker at my job. The temp agency does offer insurance, but it doesn't cover.....anything really.
My medication is $700 out of pocket...
After a long day, and being told this at the pharmacy, I broke down and just started to cry right there at the desk. The women and everyone around me tried to calm me down.... but I was so hurt, I didn't hear anything they had to say and I left the store.
People often say that don't like medication because it changes them...... well then you are on the wrong medication, the dose is too high, or low... and you need to keep trying. For me... I have found a mix that works.... I just.... can't get it.
Today I faked being sick to stay home...and essentially lay in bed fighting back tears.... days like this....where I appear my weakest... I am fighting my hardest.
I know my father has a gun somewhere in this house.... and I managed to stop myself from even thinking about it last night... but.... as I said.... I have never been this low before. It is painful to speak... or move simply because I don't have the energy.
I am very lucky my grandmother gave me $200, enough to afford a 30 day supply of medication.... but after that.... I don't know what I will do.
I just started typing this with no direction in mind, other than to let my friends know.... I am feeling very...defeated.... but I have not..completely given up. I have my medication now to help me....and in a weeks time.... I will hopefully feel better.
I guess what I want to say is..... please.... if you know someone who has ups and downs like I do...... don't take their silence as "they need space" or, "I'm sure they're fine."
They are not...............please....reach out to them...even if it annoys them...stay in contact. Find a way to talk to them. Don't ignore them. No one here other than my mom and my grandmother have noticed I am hurting.....even though I have been so.... slow...and tired...and quiet... no one notices. We are all to focused on ourselves to let our hearts..... look at other people for once.
I hate this world we live in...and there are times I want to leave it....SO badly..... but.... I can't..... I have trouble finding reasons for that sometimes... but... I just can't....
I wasn't planning on asking this...and I never ask these things......I hate asking for money.... or depending on people in general. I try to be as independent as possible....to be strong.... but I can't....
I just cant do it..........but I must.....
But anyway....
Like I said.... I hate to ask this... but I figured...why not....worth a try....
greg.qTech[at]live.com is my paypal email..... if you could spare even a few dollars to help me...... I cannot put into words how grateful I will be....
Either way.... I am sorry to my friends I have not been responding to..... I still don't have the energy to hold a conversation and even typing this... is...again.....like everything else in my life...... a fight.
I know... I know... there is always someone else out there who has it worse, but.... this is a new low for me....and I'm scared.....
But I must be strong....I can't give up....
Maybe if I say that enough..... I'll get by.
Thank you for reading.
This means, that I can go from happy and motivated, to, I am fighting with myself not to jerk the steering wheel into on coming highway traffic and hoping the accident is fatal.
The last few days have been very hard. Plans have fallen through, relationships hit new low, and I broke down crying in public because I cannot afford the medication I desperately need.
I currently do not have health insurance, and I am only a temp worker at my job. The temp agency does offer insurance, but it doesn't cover.....anything really.
My medication is $700 out of pocket...
After a long day, and being told this at the pharmacy, I broke down and just started to cry right there at the desk. The women and everyone around me tried to calm me down.... but I was so hurt, I didn't hear anything they had to say and I left the store.
People often say that don't like medication because it changes them...... well then you are on the wrong medication, the dose is too high, or low... and you need to keep trying. For me... I have found a mix that works.... I just.... can't get it.
Today I faked being sick to stay home...and essentially lay in bed fighting back tears.... days like this....where I appear my weakest... I am fighting my hardest.
I know my father has a gun somewhere in this house.... and I managed to stop myself from even thinking about it last night... but.... as I said.... I have never been this low before. It is painful to speak... or move simply because I don't have the energy.
I am very lucky my grandmother gave me $200, enough to afford a 30 day supply of medication.... but after that.... I don't know what I will do.
I just started typing this with no direction in mind, other than to let my friends know.... I am feeling very...defeated.... but I have not..completely given up. I have my medication now to help me....and in a weeks time.... I will hopefully feel better.
I guess what I want to say is..... please.... if you know someone who has ups and downs like I do...... don't take their silence as "they need space" or, "I'm sure they're fine."
They are not...............please....reach out to them...even if it annoys them...stay in contact. Find a way to talk to them. Don't ignore them. No one here other than my mom and my grandmother have noticed I am hurting.....even though I have been so.... slow...and tired...and quiet... no one notices. We are all to focused on ourselves to let our hearts..... look at other people for once.
I hate this world we live in...and there are times I want to leave it....SO badly..... but.... I can't..... I have trouble finding reasons for that sometimes... but... I just can't....
I wasn't planning on asking this...and I never ask these things......I hate asking for money.... or depending on people in general. I try to be as independent as possible....to be strong.... but I can't....
I just cant do it..........but I must.....
But anyway....
Like I said.... I hate to ask this... but I figured...why not....worth a try....
greg.qTech[at]live.com is my paypal email..... if you could spare even a few dollars to help me...... I cannot put into words how grateful I will be....
Either way.... I am sorry to my friends I have not been responding to..... I still don't have the energy to hold a conversation and even typing this... is...again.....like everything else in my life...... a fight.
I know... I know... there is always someone else out there who has it worse, but.... this is a new low for me....and I'm scared.....
But I must be strong....I can't give up....
Maybe if I say that enough..... I'll get by.
Thank you for reading.
Sorry you've been dealing with some tough times. Stay strong, I know it's hard. I have depression of my own, and I know the difference it means to have someone reach out to you. So ah, you have a person to talk to or a shoulder to cry on in me if you need it. I dunno if you're doing any better, but yeah~