*hugs* well..might not mean much but I hope you get and feel better and pray that you can get a good job that can back you up for stuff...

Not much I could probably say right now to make you feel better, except, you would be missed, not forgotten or replaced. Sounds like you're doing everything you can do and getting little credit for it. That sucks and I wish people knew when to just lay off and give some encouragement. Keep doing your best!

Everyone feels this way now and again, and while it's cliched and not entirely helpful, the best advice I can think of is to keep your chin up and look on the bright side of things when you can.

As far as jobs go, if you have a portfolio, I know a few people that I could pass it on to.

I have a few pieces I would put in a portfolio...

That's about it.

do eeet

Well it's online on my website...does that count?

Like an actual website and not just this or Tumblr...

Yeah totally. What's the URL?

http://tokutakufurcreations.weebly.com/

Probably not the best thing since I know jack squat about making websites, but at least there's a gallery, a contact section, and an "about me" deal. Those are the basics I think.

You sound a lot like me.

Can you really be replaced? Can you honestly say that after giving it long and hard thought? The people who know you will never meet anyone like you. Ever. It is impossibility. And the people who don't know you will never get the chance to meet someone like you. If you disappear, you are removing the possibility of other people meeting you. If you disappear, you are making it worse for yourself.

I hoped and still hope someone or something would walk into my life and just took my own problems away. But that is fever dream. It will not happen. Not as long as I don't meet people. Most of my problems would go away if I worked harder. But I don't have that motivation to work harder for those things. There is one problem that is in the way of my motivation.

You are not lazy. You are unique. What you need to do is reach out. And that's what you have done with your journal. And here's one hand reaching out back.

Can't I though...?

Yes the probability of running into someone exactly like yourself isn't a high one but with the amount of people there are in the world, it isn't an impossibility. Parents aside, there's maybe only 5 people that I think would actually miss me. The rest would spend their time whining about how they "wish they knew me better" or "wishing we talked more" or something like that. That opportunity exists every day, but no one would think about it unless I were gone.

I'd certainly be removing the possibility of someone getting to know me in the future, but I'm not an interesting person to know anyways. It's not much of a loss. The only thing people ever seem to know about me is that I can draw and even then it's not like they pay attention to what I draw. They just know I can do it. It doesn't take rocket science to figure that out. But what else do people know about me? Like...what's my favorite show? Favorite movie? Favorite characters? Favorite color? Favorite food? My birthday? My age? What did I go to school for? My insecurities? What sort of pet do I have? What sort of pet do I want? Like...I say all of these things multiple times...If I'm someone worth knowing, can people answer any of those? If I'm someone worth knowing, these should be things that people should know about me...

Heh, I bet no ones noticed that I haven't posted art on DA in over a year...that's how invisible I am...and I bet it would be the same if I did so here...

I may not be lazy, but I'm certainly not unique.

Well no you can't be. First of all it is physically impossible. There will never be exact copy of you who looks, talks and walks like you. Not to talk about anyone who has looked, talked and walked like you have in the past. Not only is it physically impossible to have someone who occupies the exact same space at this very moment as you but it is even more impossible to have someone who has had the exact same history.

Second the way you experience and interpret the world is unique. It might have a lot of similarities with the way other people see, feel and understand, but it will not be quite like your own. Simply because they are not you. They don't have the same past. They weren't brought up by your parents in the same environment.

Am I splitting hairs here? But isn't that what "unique" things are? Just individual things, with exact specific attributes. The very definition of unique.

Ah, relativity. It is fascinating thing once you start thinking about it. Level of curiosity. "Interesting" is an opinion, a matter of perspective. For example, not everyone is interested in drawing so perhaps that is why people you are around with don't pay attention what you draw. People know what they are informed about. For example, what I know (or think I know) about you now is that you are feeling depressed not only because you wasted 243 bucks and couple days but also because I can sense certain loneliness from you based on this journal and conversation we are having. You seek comfort, perhaps even some level acknowledgement and validation for your existence. I know from looking at your profile page that you are 24 years old, interested in trying cosplays, fursuiting and singing but anxious to do it in the fear that you might get too much (bad) attention or too little attention. You can get obsessed with TV shows and you are fan of myriad of animes, cartoons, competition and paranormal shows. Your favorite website is "That guy with glasses". I personally like nostalgia critic and I watched pretty much all of his episodes this Christmas (again). I could answer most of your questions just with the information that are available to me. I didn't know what "Karmen Rider" and "Super Sentai" were until I read your profile and out of interest googled these . And my life is richer; I have never met anyone with interests quite like yours. And by effect you are making yourself more unique; you are sharing your worries with others and making other people aware and feel a little bit what you feel.

So no. You can't be replaced. Your physical being cannot be replaced because time travel isn't possible and there is no technology to make exact copies of humans (or of anything for that matter). Your emotional being cannot be replaced because of how you have felt and are feeling currently. Furthering the irreplaceability of your emotional being is the fact of your emotional relation to others. There might be other people who are "sort of" like you but not quite like you. For example in my life I have once, over the internet, talked to someone with worries and wanted to help them in their plight. The plight was different though. That is another unique feature about you; the pain you feel. It might not be "happy" feature but it is real and unique in the sense that it is you who is feeling it and that there is only one person exactly like you.

So. You are unique. If not to yourself, then atleast to me. The more you let others know about yourself the more you are worth to them. If you don't tell people about yourself and don't approach others, chances are they won't know about you.

And it'd be little bit sad to take that uniqueness away from others while not giving yourself a chance of becoming more enriched through the experience of others, don't you think? Life is not made of these huge, grand things like being famous and having a lot of money and millions of people who adore you and know everything about you. Life is made out of experiencing ups and downs, joyous and sad moments. Moments that originate from other people. And right now you are going through a bit darker times.

You just need to give it a chance and grab the opportunity. Oftentimes you will fail. The opportunity, the step, you grab is not strong enough and it breaks. It takes you down a step or two. Sometimes you will need help getting up and that's what you are looking for; people who you can ask for help when you are feeling down. A really good friend who you can share life with. Someone who asks "sup?" and you can answer honestly "not well" and then talk about it.

To reiterate: You are unique. No matter how hard you try to skew and twist things to seem and sound like you are not unique, I can always skew and twist it some more and say that you are unique. Even the very fact we are having this conversation makes you unique.

hugs sombra. hugs.

what you are waited. i want you. you are my first friend i made when I came to columbia. you talked to me. you liked my art and me. you told me about the furry world. I knew I was different but I didn't know it had a name. because of you and your kindness. I have friends. I have you, fedora, margret, ray ray, sliver, kataze, nate, jynix, angel, nobo, chains, night wolf, alex, angel, ziggo, luna, tiffany, erik, slate, Ax and so on.

see. I met all these people because you told me to come to furry meeting and cons. so yay know i have friends. you are wanted by me. you keep me company at fur cons and at anima cons. you help me when i have my furry or none furry questions.

I always enjoy your company. even if i don't talk much or no a lot about anima stuff. i do like to listen and learn about it.

so hugs.

Well people could fool me...

I've felt nothing but unwelcome and ignored within the local furry scene. Unlike you, I have you and Kataze as friends in the fandom. That's it. Everyone else I can't tell if they want me around...they don't talk to me much. Or I know they don't want me around due to being "too sensitive" for their liking. And if that isn't the case, they could certainly fool me with their silence.

So I don't have that many friends. I lose friends more than I gain them...

The fandom is a family, my behind...how is this fandom like a family? If it is, I'm certainly the shunned black sheep and I don't even know what I'm shunned for.

oh. well your not shunned around me. and what about luna. i thought you where friends with her. she's the one who was at MFF . she's manny's mate.

I guess not...we don't really talk all that much.

I'm not so easy to claim I'm friends with people just because we talk once or twice a year. I'm done doing that. "Friend" is a strong word and I figure people need to earn it rather than me just giving that title away so easily.

ah. yes it is true i'm not much of a talker. i only really speak when i have some thing to say. i have always been like that. but still i do enjoy your company. and hanging out with you. makes me happy.

Oh man :c
I hope things look up for you in this coming year. I think that it can be said that there's been a lot of pain felt all around in areas that people care a lot about.