I was really hoping things would change for the better. And I guess they kinda have... but only enough to be a fucking tease.

I'm not much better off than I was a year ago. I *technically* have two jobs... but only technically. I may have gotten a job with the EMS agency I had been trying so hard to get work with, but never advanced at all. It's been seven months since they contacted me to take their pre-hire exam for ambulance work, which I passed. I didn't get an interview until two months later, which was by my own doing, and I never heard anything about it since. Not even just a "thanks, but no thanks." They wouldn't even consider me for other low-level positions I don't even need certifications for. Meanwhile, all my classmates have advanced and gone on to be successful.

Even Sears is fucking with me now. Because I dare to not be at their beck and call and work 40 hour weeks in a part-time capacity, and because I dare to ask questions when things don't make sense, my shitty passive-aggressive boss has cut my hours to a ridiculously low amount -- five hours this week, 4,75 next week. Not even a full five. What the fuck was the point of keeping me on past the holidays if that's all he wants to give me? And all the while he just smiles and calls me "sir" in that condescending way he's so fond of while treating me like I'm an imbecile. And yet he and the rest of the dickheads in management wonder why so many people keep quitting.

I'm trying to line up work at a local hospital at least in a voluntary capacity just to keep my skills sharp and, you know, actually work at my level of training. But even that much isn't going well thus far, despite having a cousin who works there and knows people. I WOULD BE WORKING FOR FREE. Guitar Center would be a lovely place to work, but they're full-up on staff. I need something else. I need something to give me a consistent paycheck so I can save my money again, as well as have some fun. I need something that makes me feel like I'm not totally worthless.

I really wish I was better at being spontaneous. I seriously considered just packing a suitcase, topping off my gas tank, and driving down to FC and sleeping in my car just to have some adventure and maybe make some new friends. But that isn't how I operate. I wish it was. I spend so much time planning and worrying and thinking, and no matter what, nothing quite works out anyway. Meanwhile, I see so many other people living exclusively for the now and they're doing all right. They don't worry about the future and they don't run into many problems. Planning hasn't done me much good, so maybe I SHOULD just do something wild. Maybe I should just pack some essentials and drive up to Portland and live out of my car for a while or something. I'd probably be just as successful at finding meaningful employment as I am now, but I'd be in a new place and have some stories to tell.

I don't know. I'm frustrated and unhappy. I'm still thankful for what I have... I just wish something would really go right for me.