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I am a coward
11 years ago
A polite heads up that the following journal is 900+ words.
First rough patch of the New Year. Glaux I haven’t written a journal in so long, watching the world from the shadows. Guess I should get to the point I started writing before I lose it.
I’m rather distraught as of late. Dealing with a lot of emotional pain. I might look fine on the outside, but the stoic play is an act to keep the wrong people from nosing their way into my problems where they don’t belong. After finishing a book just a few hours ago, I had a realization, a new hint at what might be causing me so much trouble for this episode of sadness, pain, and near depression. I get too emotionally invested into things stories of Shard from Song of the Summer King by Jess E. Owen or movies like The Hunger Games and following Katniss through all her troubles. I put myself in their place, feel what they feel, experience what they do and my mind plays out how I would react until I keep reading on or continue watching.
It makes me see how much of a coward I am, what little strength and courage I truly have. I would have been broken at the first confrontation that each of them faced, curling up and wishing to disappear. The worlds they exist in work against them in every way possible, driving them to cling to a hope as thin as a strand of spider’s silk. In such hours, I would lose that fiber and wish for it to engulf me and end my suffering. I am a coward compared to them and how their authors had written them. Extraordinary characters in the face of perils and dangers few of us will ever have to face as they did. I grasp that they, Shard, Katniss, and many other heroes like them live in a world unlike ours where such cases do happen. In the world we exist in, such conflicts don’t arise as often if ever and yet, I am afraid. Afraid of things that will never happen to me because I am not as special, as strong, as fearless as they can be in their worlds.
No, I live in a world with much smaller challenges to face, but it does not stop me from being afraid. I grow sick with fear and worry of what might happen in the now and in the future. My mind wanders too far down paths that could only happen in worlds not of our own, but it doesn't stop it from leading me down a trail where I lose everything, from my friend and family to my own life. It makes me beg for answers to questions that cannot be answered and it makes me afraid. Some subjects hurt more than others, fear turning to pain as I think of things I will not have. I understand I have lots of life in me still, but finding a partner in life feels so impossible that it often drives me to tears. My emotional attachment to fictitious characters only makes those fears, sadness, and pains worse. Even if I didn’t have them, have Irene, or have Mar I would be a fearful person of what my life will sum up to.
I know I have touched the lives of many, but fear tells me my impact is insignificant in the bigger picture. Worthless and afraid, even in the face of my small challenges I want to curl up and disappear and be heard from no more. My help is nothing it seems and I only seem to hear of it when it does more damage than good. I helped a stranger out the home of their parents to try and let them live a happier life with their mate and now they are more unhappy than when they started, before they got my aid. I know it was me because I still have the notes from both them and the mate, thanking me for my help and now to see what has become of my help makes my heart heavy and my thoughts dark. More friends around me fall on hard times too and I wish I could do more to help, but I can’t. Times are getting tough for a brief spar on me as well and I can’t reach out to ask for help. It seems that way that is or the things that I need help with I can’t get from those I know or feeling like I’m asking too much.
February is looking to be tough month for me in several areas, but I don’t know how tough with my fears playing it out like a strategist and finding every worst case scenario in it. I’ll make it through though, through the financial hardships and the emotional and mental trails of work, class, and drivers on the road. All trails I fear might break me and let others see all the hate and other emotions I’ve done so well to keep under wraps and bear heavy consequences for if their release should it be directed at one it was not meant for.
I am afraid. Day to day I live in fear, but not fear of others but fear of myself and my actions. I am not strong, not as strong as Shard or Katniss, who manage to be strong in the face of greater hardships. I will keep to my shadow, hiding and watching the world go by because I am a coward and I let my fear rule me and take away my life.
First rough patch of the New Year. Glaux I haven’t written a journal in so long, watching the world from the shadows. Guess I should get to the point I started writing before I lose it.
I’m rather distraught as of late. Dealing with a lot of emotional pain. I might look fine on the outside, but the stoic play is an act to keep the wrong people from nosing their way into my problems where they don’t belong. After finishing a book just a few hours ago, I had a realization, a new hint at what might be causing me so much trouble for this episode of sadness, pain, and near depression. I get too emotionally invested into things stories of Shard from Song of the Summer King by Jess E. Owen or movies like The Hunger Games and following Katniss through all her troubles. I put myself in their place, feel what they feel, experience what they do and my mind plays out how I would react until I keep reading on or continue watching.
It makes me see how much of a coward I am, what little strength and courage I truly have. I would have been broken at the first confrontation that each of them faced, curling up and wishing to disappear. The worlds they exist in work against them in every way possible, driving them to cling to a hope as thin as a strand of spider’s silk. In such hours, I would lose that fiber and wish for it to engulf me and end my suffering. I am a coward compared to them and how their authors had written them. Extraordinary characters in the face of perils and dangers few of us will ever have to face as they did. I grasp that they, Shard, Katniss, and many other heroes like them live in a world unlike ours where such cases do happen. In the world we exist in, such conflicts don’t arise as often if ever and yet, I am afraid. Afraid of things that will never happen to me because I am not as special, as strong, as fearless as they can be in their worlds.
No, I live in a world with much smaller challenges to face, but it does not stop me from being afraid. I grow sick with fear and worry of what might happen in the now and in the future. My mind wanders too far down paths that could only happen in worlds not of our own, but it doesn't stop it from leading me down a trail where I lose everything, from my friend and family to my own life. It makes me beg for answers to questions that cannot be answered and it makes me afraid. Some subjects hurt more than others, fear turning to pain as I think of things I will not have. I understand I have lots of life in me still, but finding a partner in life feels so impossible that it often drives me to tears. My emotional attachment to fictitious characters only makes those fears, sadness, and pains worse. Even if I didn’t have them, have Irene, or have Mar I would be a fearful person of what my life will sum up to.
I know I have touched the lives of many, but fear tells me my impact is insignificant in the bigger picture. Worthless and afraid, even in the face of my small challenges I want to curl up and disappear and be heard from no more. My help is nothing it seems and I only seem to hear of it when it does more damage than good. I helped a stranger out the home of their parents to try and let them live a happier life with their mate and now they are more unhappy than when they started, before they got my aid. I know it was me because I still have the notes from both them and the mate, thanking me for my help and now to see what has become of my help makes my heart heavy and my thoughts dark. More friends around me fall on hard times too and I wish I could do more to help, but I can’t. Times are getting tough for a brief spar on me as well and I can’t reach out to ask for help. It seems that way that is or the things that I need help with I can’t get from those I know or feeling like I’m asking too much.
February is looking to be tough month for me in several areas, but I don’t know how tough with my fears playing it out like a strategist and finding every worst case scenario in it. I’ll make it through though, through the financial hardships and the emotional and mental trails of work, class, and drivers on the road. All trails I fear might break me and let others see all the hate and other emotions I’ve done so well to keep under wraps and bear heavy consequences for if their release should it be directed at one it was not meant for.
I am afraid. Day to day I live in fear, but not fear of others but fear of myself and my actions. I am not strong, not as strong as Shard or Katniss, who manage to be strong in the face of greater hardships. I will keep to my shadow, hiding and watching the world go by because I am a coward and I let my fear rule me and take away my life.
As would we all. Don't measure yourself against the deeds of fictitious heroes. For that matter, not even against those as perceived from real life heroes, who are put on pedestals and blown out of all proportion.
"No, I live in a world with much smaller challenges to face, but it does not stop me from being afraid."
We evolved in an environment full of occasional existential danger, always alert for the snap of a twig or the sudden stilling of birdsong. That's followed us into the modern world, and while we don't have prowling sabertooth tigers or the like to worry about, the brain still treats all those small modern things we worry about with the same fearful zeal. The difference is that now that mechanism can be triggered all day, every day because of all those little fears and worries. That can really wear you down if you let it. There was a great story on NPR about this recently, but I can't find it now. I may have to sleuth for it later.
" I helped a stranger out the home of their parents to try and let them live a happier life with their mate..."
You did what you could to help a friend, and it sounds to me like circumstances beyond your control have lead to his unhappiness. Don't beat yourself up for that, and don't let it make you less willing to help your friends out when you want to.
Katniss never sought glory. She never got out of bed and said "I am going to defy the government, I am going to lead a rebellion, I am going to change the world, I'm going to spoil the movies by telling everyone I die in the last book." In fact, I rather like the movies (I have not read the books/totally made up that spoiler) because they show how much time she spends trying to escape her leadership role, how often she says "I never wanted this", "I cannot do this", "It should be <someone else> and not me" to herself and anyone else who will listen. But when those moments came where her friends, her family, and/or the entire rebellion were depending on her, those moments where she most could have said "Nope, I didn't sign up for this. See you later", those are the moments where she did what needed to be done, and in so doing became great. That's what bravery is, after all, not never being afraid, but doing what needs to be done even though you are afraid.
There is one thing that pretty much all acts of bravery have in common: the way is clear. The world depends on you to do X, and you know exactly what X is. Things are a lot harder when X is not clearly defined, or completely undefined. It gets even harder when the only person depending on you is yourself. When the challenges you face are small and likely not community-changing (much less world-changing), they (paradoxically) weigh so much more they can easily crush you. Worrying about the choices to be made or the myriad possible outcomes further saps your strength, and you are laid low before you even have a chance to properly face the problem.
This is why we need each other, why we need friends. "We" can handle much more weight than "I" can (twice the letters!), and even just the act of sharing your problems and concerns with others sometimes helps you find a pathway through the maze. Plus, if you try to carry all your burdens on the inside and keep them tightly sealed away they fester and gnaw at your insides until they start to leak out, then you crack, then you explode. You have to let them out, to give them away by sharing them with others who care. (Again, "we" can handle much more weight and pressure than "I" ever could--seriously, look how thin that letter is!)