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Paranoia and mishandled feelings.
11 years ago
Ever get the sense that you are unwanted, that you don't really belong, then it all turns out to be your mind playing games on you because of past experiences? You see things that aren't there, you feel ignored when really, people didn't notice your message popping up. Today (yesterday morning, actually) my ex finally broke off all contact with me. We had previously broken up several months ago, last year in fact. And had been making a go of some sort of friendship but mutual edgy behavior, tip-toeing and the total and complete lack of willingness to discuss his or my feelings eventually led to things just, taking their natural course I suppose. I am not proud of being a paranoid and quite frankly messed up individual but I have no one to blame for my behavior except myself. Perhaps this will be the catalyst that causes me to see real change in my life, I cannot be sure and I will not state anything to that fact.
Why am I writing this? Bleeding out my feelings to the internet? Because it's better than keeping this locked up inside me, the paranoia has to end, one way or the other, I'll find a way to end it. I'm sure some of you out there have decisions they'd rather reload a save state on, time-travel or perhaps just steer clear of them retrospectively all together, I have had few such moments in my life, and now I count this among the most depressing ones.
That is all internet, Taine Abis Bastin, signing off.
Why am I writing this? Bleeding out my feelings to the internet? Because it's better than keeping this locked up inside me, the paranoia has to end, one way or the other, I'll find a way to end it. I'm sure some of you out there have decisions they'd rather reload a save state on, time-travel or perhaps just steer clear of them retrospectively all together, I have had few such moments in my life, and now I count this among the most depressing ones.
That is all internet, Taine Abis Bastin, signing off.
ToeClaws
~toeclaws
I think your decision to come and write it out is a good one. Bottling up inside intense feelings rarely does any good for dealing with them - sometimes even the act of writing it out itself is immensely therapeutic. Paranoia is not easy to overcome because one of the worst things we humans do to ourselves is elevate the negative over the positive (or the logical and likely). We seem to always assume the worst, and it adds stress and discomfort when it happens in a relationship. While you can't go back to change or fix what you had, you can definitely learn from it and help to ease back on that paranoia for the future.
YuunDaisuke
~yuundaisuke
OP
Thank you ToeClaws, this relationship wasn't good for my sanity in the sense I felt like I couldn't ask without someone feeling there was a lack of faith or trust. When you feel vulnerable you have to be able to ask without people reacting negatively, it has nothing to do with a lack of trust and faith in them. It has everything to do with a lack of belief in your own sights, so you seek out help to figure it out. I just wish that could have been communicated better.
ToeClaws
~toeclaws
Sounds like it needed to be communicated better, aye, but... it's the past. Learn all you can from it, and don't take away any more stress from something that's already slipped away. The past is only good for teaching us how to better stick-handle the present.
YuunDaisuke
~yuundaisuke
OP
Hindsight is 20/20, right? Wish foresight was like that... it'd save us all a lot of grief and misery. I'll learn what I can from it, I'll even try asking the help I'm getting if medication would help. Sadly humans don't come with status symbols, so all I can do is try and figure out what's going on with me, and then try to move on.
ToeClaws
~toeclaws
Nah - perfect foresight would be damaging. If we never felt loss and grief, or never saw failure, how would we ever learn?
YuunDaisuke
~yuundaisuke
OP
I suppose that's true... doesn't make it any less painful though ^^*
ToeClaws
~toeclaws
No, never does. It'll fade with time though. *hugs tight*
YuunDaisuke
~yuundaisuke
OP
*Hugs in return* Thank you, I mean it.
13Swords
~13swords
Well that sucks, man. : ( Hope you feel better soon. There ain't no blues like relationship blues.
YuunDaisuke
~yuundaisuke
OP
That is true. But it feels worse knowing that it was your fault.
guilmon720
~guilmon720
Hey, just know you're not alone in those kinda feelings, alright? Tough relationships and constant strain can have a very negative effect on a person's psyche. All you got to do is try to remain positive and look ahead. Do stuff to occupy yourself, ya know? Just try to remember that it's not your fault, and all you're doing is going through the natural grief process. There's nothing wrong with you.
YuunDaisuke
~yuundaisuke
OP
Occupying myself is what I'm trying to do, but determining what is your fault, what is inevitable and what was avoidable? I'm trying to let that go because it's over. But it's painful to think how it might have turned out differently, because like the note mentions, it was my own paranoia and mishandled feelings that caused this.
