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From rock bottom to the core.
11 years ago
For those of you interested, my journal on DA explains my current situation quite sufficiently. I fucked up, that's the gist of it. I'll put what I wrote there here so you can get a feel for how low I am right now...
I am writing this journal mostly as an epitaph on a very poor series of judgement calls on my behalf. Recently, an altercation with my ex (and no names will not be mentioned... I have enough brainpower at last not to do something so inherently stupid) resulted in him cutting ties with me for good. Worst of all he had every right to. See he and I were involved in a three-way relationship with another one of my friends that for the longest time I wasn't aware of until said friend told me a substantial amount of time later. Whether it was due to ambiguity on my ex's behalf or me thinking it was a role play oriented setup, I cant say for sure but when I found out I was both terrified, angry and confused, who wouldn't be?
Later that year we broke up but tried to keep things on friendlier notes. Despite a few happy times I consistently felt like I was making no progress repairing the friendship, either because I was too impatient or failed to see any progress that was made? Who can say. Then after an extended computer malfunction my friend returned and after feeling once again left out I chose the wrong action. Instead of just logging out or clearing my mind I took out my pent up frustration with being unnecessary on my ex and I guess vestigially on my friend. That resulted in our communications ceasing and my friend not wanting to talk to me. I can understand not wanting to get into that kind of emotional can of worms but I still would have liked a chance to explain my side of things even if my side of things wasn't particularly worth explaining.
And now, just recently. After a long night of depression I latched onto a journal and got to talking with it's author. Where I splurged private information that I have since then removed. It's entirely pointless to say I am sorry by this point, apologies lost their meaning a long time ago but I hope whoever reads this at least tries to see that I was not intending for him to find it or for to be taken as a personal insult. I was just venting pent up feelings that I needed to get out to be examined by a more rational person. Everybody needs to vent from time to time but I ought to have taken it to a note-based exchange right at that very second. Now my friend has removed me from Steam and even if I did resend a friend request I have a feeling it wont get picked up.
That's my emotional story for my first journal here on DA. A series of poor choices that led to a series of even more poor choices. We do stupid things when we are angry, depressed or hurting in some way and even if I wish I could take it back, well I can only take back my part and my words, and if people choose to forgive me then that is their power and not mine. Wherever you two, if you happen to read this, go. I wish you the best of luck even if we never speak again. I'll move on, no matter how slowly. Again, I am sorry for my poor lack of judgement, this was the first and last time I do something so mindbogglingly stupid.
Sincerely, to the internet and to whoever might read this,
a stupid, emotional, hurting feline with entirely too much baggage at this point,
T.
I am writing this journal mostly as an epitaph on a very poor series of judgement calls on my behalf. Recently, an altercation with my ex (and no names will not be mentioned... I have enough brainpower at last not to do something so inherently stupid) resulted in him cutting ties with me for good. Worst of all he had every right to. See he and I were involved in a three-way relationship with another one of my friends that for the longest time I wasn't aware of until said friend told me a substantial amount of time later. Whether it was due to ambiguity on my ex's behalf or me thinking it was a role play oriented setup, I cant say for sure but when I found out I was both terrified, angry and confused, who wouldn't be?
Later that year we broke up but tried to keep things on friendlier notes. Despite a few happy times I consistently felt like I was making no progress repairing the friendship, either because I was too impatient or failed to see any progress that was made? Who can say. Then after an extended computer malfunction my friend returned and after feeling once again left out I chose the wrong action. Instead of just logging out or clearing my mind I took out my pent up frustration with being unnecessary on my ex and I guess vestigially on my friend. That resulted in our communications ceasing and my friend not wanting to talk to me. I can understand not wanting to get into that kind of emotional can of worms but I still would have liked a chance to explain my side of things even if my side of things wasn't particularly worth explaining.
And now, just recently. After a long night of depression I latched onto a journal and got to talking with it's author. Where I splurged private information that I have since then removed. It's entirely pointless to say I am sorry by this point, apologies lost their meaning a long time ago but I hope whoever reads this at least tries to see that I was not intending for him to find it or for to be taken as a personal insult. I was just venting pent up feelings that I needed to get out to be examined by a more rational person. Everybody needs to vent from time to time but I ought to have taken it to a note-based exchange right at that very second. Now my friend has removed me from Steam and even if I did resend a friend request I have a feeling it wont get picked up.
That's my emotional story for my first journal here on DA. A series of poor choices that led to a series of even more poor choices. We do stupid things when we are angry, depressed or hurting in some way and even if I wish I could take it back, well I can only take back my part and my words, and if people choose to forgive me then that is their power and not mine. Wherever you two, if you happen to read this, go. I wish you the best of luck even if we never speak again. I'll move on, no matter how slowly. Again, I am sorry for my poor lack of judgement, this was the first and last time I do something so mindbogglingly stupid.
Sincerely, to the internet and to whoever might read this,
a stupid, emotional, hurting feline with entirely too much baggage at this point,
T.
You are right - you can't go back and fix what you did, and saying "sorry" only goes so far. It's better to learn how to prevent those situations from happening in the first place.
At least I know I'm not 100% in this alone. Thank you ^^.
Your realizing all of the "wrongs" in this after the fact is the case-in-point of what I was saying; waiting before giving emotionally charged responses and reactions is always best. Even in person, it's often better to say - let's talk about it after. It's never easy to do, but it always works out better if you can manage it.