Those of you that know me probably are aware that in my past I went through some very serious depression. my particular battle with it lead me to attempt suicide at one point. I talk about it pretty casually, not because I think it makes me feel better or because I want people to coddle me, but because it helps me to cope. When I was depressed I was silent and in more ways than one that was nearly the end of me, so I chat about it now, because it was part of my life and it will always be and I want to remember that so it doesn't slip back into my life.

I'm writing this because I just caught a glance at some mistaken ideas about suicide this morning. It's often misunderstood as selfish, someone not thinking of those around them and wanting an "easy" way out. Often all that people see is the pain and possibly a small trigger, a failed project, unkind words. It's hard to understand the full scope of things when you haven't been through it.

My own attempt in retrospect sounds pathetic, I had failed out of a math class in my early years of college, that's it, but that prompted me on the way home to speed my car to 90 mph on an icy road and aim for a pole. While the trigger itself was a small thing, this was after years of depression and by this point I was certain that I was simply a burden on my family and on the world. As I drove I knew they would be sad, death makes people sad, but they were just mistaken. Really their lives would be better without me as a burden and it was for the best that I remove myself from the world. I wanted to use the car because it would look like an accident, to save them from questioning themselves as parents or support, because to me I was just defunct and it was no one's fault. The sad thing is I kept believing this for a long time. I swerved at the last moment not for any real reason of clarity but because I realized that I would total the car, which would be a financial burden on the family, defeating the purpose in the first place.
I stopped because I believed a car, an old car, was more valuable than my own life. I decided to stop and find a new way to finish things that would be less of a financial problem.

It bothers me when people think that suicide or depression are a selfish thing. My experience is not everyone's but my style of thinking was not uncommon. Focused on not my own failures and how they affect me but how I was a burden on everyone around me.

It starts in sneaky ways, a quiet question in the middle of the night "what if they're just doing that to be nice?" "what if my friends really don't like me?" "Maybe they're just saying they'll miss me because society says they should." "they'll probably get over it." "they'll definitely get over it, there's not much to get over" and the cruel part is depression causes you to pull away from friends and family more and more removing any evidence of the contrary.

To anyone that is struggling with their own depression and dark thoughts- Those thoughts are fucking liars and nothing could be farther from the truth.

"It won't really hurt them" No...it will.

I kept my suicide attempt to myself, my family never knew even after they helped me get therapy for depression, but as I got older and recovered more I talked about it as I am now. It was couple years ago that my father found out about it. We were on a family trip and I had just gone to the hotel bar to get a little drink and relax away from the family a bit. I don't remember how it came up, but I will never forget the look in his eyes when he heard it.

I have seen a lot of things in my life, but that was the first and only time where I have seen that much pain and loss in someone's face. Even the thought of losing me like that made him grieve, even if it was for just a moment. He couldn't think of words before just saying quietly "...on an icy road the car might not have turned" Since that day the thought of suicide has not really crossed my mind beyond, especially not without immediately seeing that pain. I still can't really think about it without tearing up, thinking I caused that much pain just with the thought of suicide.

I know when you are in the middle of it, it's hard to think. It's easy to blow off hearing over and over again that people care, and they will be hurt, but it isn't just words. My account is not special, I am not a unique case. If you are hurting and dealing with those lying goddamn thoughts that sneak in on the lonely nights feel free to send a note just to talk, or call the suicide hotline and let someone help you.

This is not just words, everyone does matter, and even if you don't have huge accomplishments it is the small things that bring value, more than you may ever know. You may be the one interaction which prompts someone to turn their life around. You may give a simple gift to a friend and help them out of a bad place. Even just being about to get a drink and have a conversation will help someone else deal with their own problems. Everyone has done more good for the world than they realize.

Suicide is not inherently selfish, it is the end result of a cruel sneaking illness that makes you believe things which simply are not true and never will be. No person is defunct, no person is without value, and quite frankly it's too much effort on the part of the world to lie and pretend to be nice simply because.

Be strong, seek support, survive. The world is worse off for not having you whoever you are.