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**Depressing Rant Warning** Life, and How I Currently Feel
11 years ago
My Furry Family
**Rant warning** kinda depressing.
(I had 4 friends ask me what I have been feeling lately. This is easier than telling each person individually.)
Once, I had someone tell me that "Dreams are better than reality. In your dreams, you can be anything, and do anything. Your dreams can tell you what you most desire, how you really feel, and even a nightmare can be a vivid adventure."
As of late, I have been having the same dream, over and over, every night, for about a month and a half. I wake up sweating, panting and gasping for air, and terrified. After that, I cannot get back to sleep. But even that horrible dream was, and is, so much better than reality. I find myself looking forward to sleep, even though I know the adventure will be the same terrifying images. Reality, presently, is too much for me to handle emotionally, and I feel myself slipping further from happiness with each passing day, as if it were fading into the distance of my rear-view mirror. Waking up gets harder, falling asleep takes longer, and the time I spend asleep is shortened. The sunlight that once brought me so much bliss, and the thought of morning that made me smile, is now a nightmare in itself. I go through the day like it is a dream, not feeling anything, not saying anything to anyone, void of any real or communicatable emotion. When I do feel SOMETHING, it is sadness, depression, loneliness, and self-hated. And then I cry. Why? I'm not sure. Maybe because I miss feeling numb, or that the pain hurts too much. Maybe because the thought that I would rather be in an eternal sleep, rather than be here to live my own life... scares me. That life, for me, has lost its appeal. Its meaning. That each day, I grow older, and take another step toward another year of pointless endeavors, useless goals, and worthless adventures and interactions.
Every morning, I get up, get dressed, look in the mirror, and force myself to put on that fake smile I am so good at putting on. Go to work and pretend that I don't feel like they don't notice me. Come home and pray that I get some more sleep than the night before, even though I know that wont happen. Keeping the numbness at the forefront by any means, and when night falls, I lay in bed staring at the ceiling waiting for sleep, dreading the morning that will inevitably come again. And then, it all starts over again. I feel as though I am being choked, with two strong hands, gripping onto me, but not tight enough to make me stop breathing. Just enough to make me feel like I am, even though I wont.
The few escapes I have and things that make me happy, don't bring me joy like they used to, and is some cases, have turned against me, the people within turning me away. I look at the stars when I can and wonder about life, and ponder the great philosophical questions, in a daze or dream of sorts. But like any dream, it fades, and even if that moment was a nightmare, I am back to an even worse reality. The reality that even though I try, I cannot make myself smile. I haven't laughed in weeks without it being forced. The people I trusted and went to for help... vanished. And the ones I have left I am too afraid to go to for the same reason. My days are melting together, into one endless stream without a start or finish, not really knowing if I am awake or asleep, or if I am doing something right. Some days I believe I am truly asleep, while some night I believe I am awake. The line between consciousness and dreaming has become thin, and I cannot tell if I am riding that line or not. I feel crazy and yet so sane. And when I think about it too long I get angry, frustrated that even I cant tell what I feel.
I wish I could just sleep. And sleep. And sleep. I wish I would never have to stop dreaming. I wish I wouldn't have to wake up, because then at least I would know I am dreaming, and the adventure may not be real, but it feels better than the reality we have come to simply play out.
(I had 4 friends ask me what I have been feeling lately. This is easier than telling each person individually.)
Once, I had someone tell me that "Dreams are better than reality. In your dreams, you can be anything, and do anything. Your dreams can tell you what you most desire, how you really feel, and even a nightmare can be a vivid adventure."
As of late, I have been having the same dream, over and over, every night, for about a month and a half. I wake up sweating, panting and gasping for air, and terrified. After that, I cannot get back to sleep. But even that horrible dream was, and is, so much better than reality. I find myself looking forward to sleep, even though I know the adventure will be the same terrifying images. Reality, presently, is too much for me to handle emotionally, and I feel myself slipping further from happiness with each passing day, as if it were fading into the distance of my rear-view mirror. Waking up gets harder, falling asleep takes longer, and the time I spend asleep is shortened. The sunlight that once brought me so much bliss, and the thought of morning that made me smile, is now a nightmare in itself. I go through the day like it is a dream, not feeling anything, not saying anything to anyone, void of any real or communicatable emotion. When I do feel SOMETHING, it is sadness, depression, loneliness, and self-hated. And then I cry. Why? I'm not sure. Maybe because I miss feeling numb, or that the pain hurts too much. Maybe because the thought that I would rather be in an eternal sleep, rather than be here to live my own life... scares me. That life, for me, has lost its appeal. Its meaning. That each day, I grow older, and take another step toward another year of pointless endeavors, useless goals, and worthless adventures and interactions.
Every morning, I get up, get dressed, look in the mirror, and force myself to put on that fake smile I am so good at putting on. Go to work and pretend that I don't feel like they don't notice me. Come home and pray that I get some more sleep than the night before, even though I know that wont happen. Keeping the numbness at the forefront by any means, and when night falls, I lay in bed staring at the ceiling waiting for sleep, dreading the morning that will inevitably come again. And then, it all starts over again. I feel as though I am being choked, with two strong hands, gripping onto me, but not tight enough to make me stop breathing. Just enough to make me feel like I am, even though I wont.
The few escapes I have and things that make me happy, don't bring me joy like they used to, and is some cases, have turned against me, the people within turning me away. I look at the stars when I can and wonder about life, and ponder the great philosophical questions, in a daze or dream of sorts. But like any dream, it fades, and even if that moment was a nightmare, I am back to an even worse reality. The reality that even though I try, I cannot make myself smile. I haven't laughed in weeks without it being forced. The people I trusted and went to for help... vanished. And the ones I have left I am too afraid to go to for the same reason. My days are melting together, into one endless stream without a start or finish, not really knowing if I am awake or asleep, or if I am doing something right. Some days I believe I am truly asleep, while some night I believe I am awake. The line between consciousness and dreaming has become thin, and I cannot tell if I am riding that line or not. I feel crazy and yet so sane. And when I think about it too long I get angry, frustrated that even I cant tell what I feel.
I wish I could just sleep. And sleep. And sleep. I wish I would never have to stop dreaming. I wish I wouldn't have to wake up, because then at least I would know I am dreaming, and the adventure may not be real, but it feels better than the reality we have come to simply play out.
SparktheDalmation
!sparkthedalmation
*tight hugs*
