I have been dealing with people whom need my help ever since I could remember. I have dealt with more suicidal people than I feel is healthy for someone who is not even 21 yet. However, I am not one to turn my back on people who nee help and I eel like there is nowhere else for them to run. With that being said...it's getting so tiring. I am currently dealing with one friend who just can't seem to pick all the pieces up and fit them back together in a way that will benefit them. With all honesty, since I have known them they have gotten a lot better at not wanting to off themselves and seeing that there are more emotions than just anger. Recently, they found themselves in a bad spot a little over a month back where they found themselves hospitalized for a short period of time (not by any means saying that it wasn't traumatic or anything because I was freaking out for them. Especially when I went to visit them. I am terrified of doctors and I managed to drag my ass their for them). Since then instead of getting a well needed wake up call they only seemed to be getting worse. Instead of saying and taking action to fix it, they do the opposite and wonder what the hell went wrong. To the point that they came to me and told me that one of the reasons they are upset and anxiety ridden was because I have random little crushes on people. Okay. We dated for two weeks, maybe, I had just gotten out of a year plus relationship and felt like a cornered mouse staring up at the cat when they even asked me out and the whole two weeks it literally drove me insane and I was fighting with myself. Also, during those two weeks when I brought that up to them their response was that it was still the start and to give it a chance. Am I the only one that when you start dating someone those tend to be the best times? Because you want to be with them. You want to kiss them. You feel comfortable with them. Not wanting to run the complete other direction and feel like your insides are about to burst. Anyway. I had finally been able to make them see my side and we ended up breaking up. Which, yes, I can agree with that I got over relativity quick but I was not nearly as emotionally invested as they were/are. So, the fact that this whole thing came back to bite me, confuses me. The "crushes" that I have had recently are nothing more than IRL video game crushes. The person happens to be pretty adorable or I like their voice an I get a little stupid when they're by. I don't even talk to them. Also, others that have tried to date me recently have freaked me out and have been friends. Which is really starting to annoying. It's harder, and harder, for me to build up a group of friends after losing many because they all end up wanting more. This is not the first time that this is happened. This is what has gotten me messed up and in relationships in the past. Before I was pretty good at blocking out or ignoring any feelings I could have because someone liked me might as well give it a shot. It has taken me years but I have learned that this is not healthy. I have also learned that because you say no and they flip their shit at you, does not mean that you did anything wrong merely that they have no idea how to handle not being able to get what they want.

So last night I had a friend over for video games (thanks a lot  Jack_Gram was a fucking blast) which consisted of a lot of swearing and freaking out over Tingle's bubble ass in Hyrule warriors and eventually destroying whatever we could with Volga and Link (normal link seeing as Young Link and Tingle were too low of a level). Played some Unity and called it a night around 1 in the morning because I was starting to get overly sleepy. Okay no big deal. The person I was ranting about above, also happens to be my roommate. Joy. (I literally had no idea it was going to be this bad and I'm really starting to regret this decision. I don't get a break). They had happened to be out last night. I sent them a text saying that I was going to bed and I wasn't going to wake them up in the morning for class. When they finally got back it was around 2 o'clock and I happened to be up because my mind had decided to race. They 'woke me' and told me that they thought they needed to go to the hospital because they had some wine with a few friends they really didn't know and said it was reacting horribly to them and they threw up 5 times. Well. Lets rewind a bit. First of all, they get sick every single time that they drink. Second of all, the medicine they happen to be on has not been agreeing with them and things that they said should not be a problem are a problem, they were told that they could drink on this medicine (which yes they have that going for them) however everything else that shouldn't be an issue has been and issue how is drinking any different. Also, it was butt fuck freezing outside and they are underage going to the hospital they would pump their stomach and I could only assume ticket them. Puking is a way that the body was handling with it, no?

Then this morning they said that they were sorry and hopefully their awful decision makings were over. Here's my problem with that. This is the same person that has been saying that they need to change and that they hate themselves for (real example sleeping in. They sleep until 11 and then say they are upset that they didn't get up early and then do nothing to change it). If they don't change it. If they don't actively try to do anything...how is it going to get better. They also complain that they do not get anything and life is hard. Their father pays then $50 an hour to type up pieces of paper. They also have two floors of their house all to themselves as an art studio. Am I wrong to feel like I have no idea what to do anymore? Everything is triggering them to freak out and not work and not make sense but all of my suggestions like going to the doctor to see if you need different medication is ignored? I am exhausted. I am tired. And I feel like everything is going in one ear and out the other and I have no idea what the hell to do anymore....I just don't know.