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January Update/Dump
11 years ago
General
This is just a brain dump. If you don't want to read it all, I've summarised at the end.
A few weeks ago I got my hair cut. I get on pretty well with my hairdresser, and so was comfortable enough to explain what I am going through in simple terms and explain that in the long term I want my hair longer and more feminine. He was fully understanding, having previously worked for an LGBT support group, and genuinely excited about what he could do with my hair. Ended up with a short 'bob' look, since I need to let my fringe catch up with the rest of my hair to avoid a mullet. And style correctly it can actually look quite feminine already. So this has helped my feel better about myself already.
Whilst talking to my hairdresser I brought up how I dislike my bushy eyebrows, so he suggested one of the girls could wax them for me whilst my hair dye set in. So now my eyebrows are less bushy. Nothing extreme or noticeable, but noticeable to me. And he also brought up the subject of makeup.
So far I have been too afraid to start even trying makeup, there are so many options that I don't know where to start. I know there are tutorials online, but it's hard to even know what to buy. However, he mentioned that they do a makeup tuition course, where they spend an hour talking you through the various products, find the ones that match your skin tone, and take you through several looks you can achieve. They even take photos so you can practice recreating the looks at home. This sounded ideal, and I plan on doing this, just not yet booked it.
The Friday after getting my hair cut I drove to Manchester to go to ARA (goth night in a community church) with Loui and Draco. I got dressed up before I left Derby, including all my padding. I wasn't wearing anything overly pretty, but had black trousers with a bit of shape to them and a very tight fitting t-shirt with my awesome new coat, so my fake curves were pretty obvious. Obviously no makeup, but I was essentially in full 'girl mode'.
I actually managed to drive all the way to Manchester, including a stop at the services and a visit to ASDA to pick up come cereal/milk, without panicking. Was slightly awkward walking into the men's toilets, but nothing terrible. I basically took the attitude of not giving a shit about appearing as an actual girl, and being 'comfortable' as something clearly inbetween the two binary genders. This was pretty liberating, as I didn't have to worry about hiding any aspect of me, and could take pleasure in the feminine shape I had managed to construct.
Needless to say the night out at ARA was even easier to deal with, and I had a really good night feeling generally accepted by my friends and everyone there. What was odd was that I managed to 'pull' two girls on the dance floor, and a guy who spoke to me as I was leaving the toilets. Although I am not sure whether the girls wanted me or just the floor space I was 'dancing' on.
So far, so good. However, during the next week I managed to loose my 'fuck it' attitude, and when it came to visiting London to see Cirque du Soleil I went in boy mode. At the time I justified it based upon not being in the mood and not wanting to feel uncomfortable during the show. But I look back now and can only judge the decision as being cowardly. And ever since I have 'not been in the mood', generally only changing into comfortable clothes (fleece pyjama bottoms and a t-shirt) when at home, and not bothering with my breasts or underwear.
Part of my issue with underwear is that I still perceive that aspect as being a 'kink', even if it isn't, and so still feel ashamed about desiring it. This is further enhanced by the fact I still have my male package to contain, which doesn't exactly fit well in women's underwear. As a result I find myself looking forward to when I can finally get rid of my 'external organs', although this then gets depressing when I consider how far away that is. I haven't even had confirmation I am on a waiting list yet, I then need to have two therapy sessions at least 3 months apart to confirm this is all right for me, so I can start taking hormones. I can't see myself going full time until at least 6 months on hormones, and they don't even consider you for surgery until 18 months after going full time. So surgery is at least 3 years away if I am lucky.
As a result I find myself getting excited whenever I see official looking post on my door matt, thinking I might finally have had contact from the Gender Identity Clinic, only to be sorely disappointed when its a bill or some junk mail.
One of my recurring thoughts lately is how futile all this is. I end up focusing on all the things I can't change, or will struggle to change, like my height, genitals, voice, narrow hips and broad shoulders. And then I get depressed because I know no matter what I do I will never be as pretty as all the females I see around me. At home I distract myself with games, but at work if I am not busy I start to over-think things and upset myself.
Talking of games, I started playing 'Life is Strange' at the suggestion of a reddit post, since you play as a teenage girl at an American college. It does feel kinda nice being able to take on her role for an hour or so, but at the same time it reminds me of all the years I have already missed. I realise that puberty isn't exactly a party for females either, but I still find myself strangely jealous of all the things I will never quite have as transgender female.
Terminology has also been awkward. I refer to 'girls' and 'girl mode', but it makes it seem like I am talking about being really young. In fairness, I do want to be a girl in that sense, and if I could have a body grown for me to jump into I would love to be able to start from mid-teens. But being realistic, I guess I need to use the term 'woman', but that sounds like I mean someone quite old. And using 'female' sounds too clinical.
Anyway, I hope to get my attitude sorted out, learn some makeup, and be more confident/comfortable about presenting myself as female as I can currently be. I don't plan on doing much this weekend, and on holiday with family week after, but I hope to make a proper go of things when I get back in March.
In summary:
- My hairdresser is awesome, is sorting my hair and given me plans to learn makeup.
- When I can take a 'no fucks given' attitude I really enjoy just presenting as many female aspects as possible without worrying about my obvious male aspects.
- Past couple of weeks I have started giving fucks again, and as a result have been a bit low. But I am coping.
- I hope to try and be more positive in March, and maintain a more consistent attitude to it all.
A few weeks ago I got my hair cut. I get on pretty well with my hairdresser, and so was comfortable enough to explain what I am going through in simple terms and explain that in the long term I want my hair longer and more feminine. He was fully understanding, having previously worked for an LGBT support group, and genuinely excited about what he could do with my hair. Ended up with a short 'bob' look, since I need to let my fringe catch up with the rest of my hair to avoid a mullet. And style correctly it can actually look quite feminine already. So this has helped my feel better about myself already.
Whilst talking to my hairdresser I brought up how I dislike my bushy eyebrows, so he suggested one of the girls could wax them for me whilst my hair dye set in. So now my eyebrows are less bushy. Nothing extreme or noticeable, but noticeable to me. And he also brought up the subject of makeup.
So far I have been too afraid to start even trying makeup, there are so many options that I don't know where to start. I know there are tutorials online, but it's hard to even know what to buy. However, he mentioned that they do a makeup tuition course, where they spend an hour talking you through the various products, find the ones that match your skin tone, and take you through several looks you can achieve. They even take photos so you can practice recreating the looks at home. This sounded ideal, and I plan on doing this, just not yet booked it.
The Friday after getting my hair cut I drove to Manchester to go to ARA (goth night in a community church) with Loui and Draco. I got dressed up before I left Derby, including all my padding. I wasn't wearing anything overly pretty, but had black trousers with a bit of shape to them and a very tight fitting t-shirt with my awesome new coat, so my fake curves were pretty obvious. Obviously no makeup, but I was essentially in full 'girl mode'.
I actually managed to drive all the way to Manchester, including a stop at the services and a visit to ASDA to pick up come cereal/milk, without panicking. Was slightly awkward walking into the men's toilets, but nothing terrible. I basically took the attitude of not giving a shit about appearing as an actual girl, and being 'comfortable' as something clearly inbetween the two binary genders. This was pretty liberating, as I didn't have to worry about hiding any aspect of me, and could take pleasure in the feminine shape I had managed to construct.
Needless to say the night out at ARA was even easier to deal with, and I had a really good night feeling generally accepted by my friends and everyone there. What was odd was that I managed to 'pull' two girls on the dance floor, and a guy who spoke to me as I was leaving the toilets. Although I am not sure whether the girls wanted me or just the floor space I was 'dancing' on.
So far, so good. However, during the next week I managed to loose my 'fuck it' attitude, and when it came to visiting London to see Cirque du Soleil I went in boy mode. At the time I justified it based upon not being in the mood and not wanting to feel uncomfortable during the show. But I look back now and can only judge the decision as being cowardly. And ever since I have 'not been in the mood', generally only changing into comfortable clothes (fleece pyjama bottoms and a t-shirt) when at home, and not bothering with my breasts or underwear.
Part of my issue with underwear is that I still perceive that aspect as being a 'kink', even if it isn't, and so still feel ashamed about desiring it. This is further enhanced by the fact I still have my male package to contain, which doesn't exactly fit well in women's underwear. As a result I find myself looking forward to when I can finally get rid of my 'external organs', although this then gets depressing when I consider how far away that is. I haven't even had confirmation I am on a waiting list yet, I then need to have two therapy sessions at least 3 months apart to confirm this is all right for me, so I can start taking hormones. I can't see myself going full time until at least 6 months on hormones, and they don't even consider you for surgery until 18 months after going full time. So surgery is at least 3 years away if I am lucky.
As a result I find myself getting excited whenever I see official looking post on my door matt, thinking I might finally have had contact from the Gender Identity Clinic, only to be sorely disappointed when its a bill or some junk mail.
One of my recurring thoughts lately is how futile all this is. I end up focusing on all the things I can't change, or will struggle to change, like my height, genitals, voice, narrow hips and broad shoulders. And then I get depressed because I know no matter what I do I will never be as pretty as all the females I see around me. At home I distract myself with games, but at work if I am not busy I start to over-think things and upset myself.
Talking of games, I started playing 'Life is Strange' at the suggestion of a reddit post, since you play as a teenage girl at an American college. It does feel kinda nice being able to take on her role for an hour or so, but at the same time it reminds me of all the years I have already missed. I realise that puberty isn't exactly a party for females either, but I still find myself strangely jealous of all the things I will never quite have as transgender female.
Terminology has also been awkward. I refer to 'girls' and 'girl mode', but it makes it seem like I am talking about being really young. In fairness, I do want to be a girl in that sense, and if I could have a body grown for me to jump into I would love to be able to start from mid-teens. But being realistic, I guess I need to use the term 'woman', but that sounds like I mean someone quite old. And using 'female' sounds too clinical.
Anyway, I hope to get my attitude sorted out, learn some makeup, and be more confident/comfortable about presenting myself as female as I can currently be. I don't plan on doing much this weekend, and on holiday with family week after, but I hope to make a proper go of things when I get back in March.
In summary:
- My hairdresser is awesome, is sorting my hair and given me plans to learn makeup.
- When I can take a 'no fucks given' attitude I really enjoy just presenting as many female aspects as possible without worrying about my obvious male aspects.
- Past couple of weeks I have started giving fucks again, and as a result have been a bit low. But I am coping.
- I hope to try and be more positive in March, and maintain a more consistent attitude to it all.
Touch wood you'll hear back from the clinic soon, and even if it might seem like a long time away, good things (that you deserve!) do come to those that wait. Best of luck with it all Za, and hopefully I can actually make one of your gaming weekends sometime! <3
(Also, hope you had a blast seeing the Cirque! We'll be seeing it this time next week; can't wait!)