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I hate this.
10 years ago
So i tried my first suicidial attempt the other day, and some uknown force stopped it from succeding! i shall blame my care for everyone around me for that ..
Im tired of being nice, ive been destroyed and my kindness have been used against me, but this time, to destroy my fragile soul. I hate i was born with this weakness, but i furthermore hate the low acceptance i get from people around me, and im not sure i can trust anyone any longer.
My spirit is no longer what it once was. I yell at people, i scare em, i hate em. Where i before found happiness in joy in making them happy, there is just an empty nothing, a pair of daggers just pointing me, awaiting to find a critical part of my fragile soul to crush.
I never saw the world as a nasty place, and i did this for my own good, but my innoscence was taken .. crushed by one or more people. I allready had trubble moving through this jungle we call life, but they still wanna push me over, even when im nice to em.
Some do not understand me, not even those who want me good, and they end up hurting me worse than my enamies ever could attempt to, even if its not on purpose. Im not a good friend to have, believe me, as for now, i will not trust anyone .. i will push em away.
You crushed my soul, succibus, you stole it all.
My attempts to get on my legs are not halping. The very moment i feel that i can stand, i walk out and see happiness in people, and it crushes me in an instant now, i cannot fully explain why, but my jaleoux instinkt of my human nature is taking over, every selfestime i have is crushed to the ground, whenever i see another person being happy, and its just too much to bear. What before gave me a thrill to live, is now a curse to witness.
What can i do? what do you do when what kept you alive, is now shit?
I ignore my friends when they try to help me, i do not listen to em, instead i yell at them, i curse at them, i dont want to be talked out of my misery. I want understanding, but i cannot get it, everywhere ive ever gone, i felt nobody understood me, and the only person who acturally understood me, were a fake all along.
Im shaking near any person now, and i stopped working, i stopped going to the place i go everyday, because i do not feel that i want to make a living, for a life i do no longer desire. Words are sharper than swords for me, and if they arent chosen carefully, i am easily crushed. I think its best for me to hide and live alone untill i carry the bravery, to finally banish myself from this place.
I wish i could say that i feel sorry for my friends, but im not even sure if i can even find that serious anymore, im not even sure if they are my friends at all. I want to open my mouth to speak, but each time i try, i am stuck with "what if" and i start becomming silent.
I had dreams about having friends, its a very small goal, but even that is too much to overcome, i even lost the will to fight even that little.
Ive never been a warrior, and i feel its only fair that not all are, and when i say my life is hard, i am often met with responses of how their life had been hard aswell to "cheer me up" but i refuse to believe, that cases can be the same for 2 individuals, i wont listen to em.
Im not more important thatn anyone else, im not better than anyone else, im just me, but i still feel that so meny around me are more or less equal to each other, than to me. There is so meny things, that even the most tormented soul can, that i cannot. Yes, i can draw, but all i want to, is to have my brain to WANT TO SOCIALIZE but i cannot. Drawing can be taught, but socializing is a will, and a nature that happens automaticly, everyone jsut socialize on common behavior, so everytime i mention how hard it is for me .. its simply met with alien eyes, even from those who pretent to understand or think they understand.
My abiltiy to print my thoughts into words are lacking and its utterly fustraiting, i keep getting questionmarks as if im some dumb individual, but who knows, i might be that aswell.
I struggle where i should live, where others struggle to be happy. This is how i feel, and this is what i see, and this is how ive allways lived my life, struggling to live, but not struggling to be happy. But exactly what is a life, when everything you cared about and kept you going, simply doesnt no more.
I dont care if this finally makes me banned for drama, but i just cannot contain it.
Im tired of being nice, ive been destroyed and my kindness have been used against me, but this time, to destroy my fragile soul. I hate i was born with this weakness, but i furthermore hate the low acceptance i get from people around me, and im not sure i can trust anyone any longer.
My spirit is no longer what it once was. I yell at people, i scare em, i hate em. Where i before found happiness in joy in making them happy, there is just an empty nothing, a pair of daggers just pointing me, awaiting to find a critical part of my fragile soul to crush.
I never saw the world as a nasty place, and i did this for my own good, but my innoscence was taken .. crushed by one or more people. I allready had trubble moving through this jungle we call life, but they still wanna push me over, even when im nice to em.
Some do not understand me, not even those who want me good, and they end up hurting me worse than my enamies ever could attempt to, even if its not on purpose. Im not a good friend to have, believe me, as for now, i will not trust anyone .. i will push em away.
You crushed my soul, succibus, you stole it all.
My attempts to get on my legs are not halping. The very moment i feel that i can stand, i walk out and see happiness in people, and it crushes me in an instant now, i cannot fully explain why, but my jaleoux instinkt of my human nature is taking over, every selfestime i have is crushed to the ground, whenever i see another person being happy, and its just too much to bear. What before gave me a thrill to live, is now a curse to witness.
What can i do? what do you do when what kept you alive, is now shit?
I ignore my friends when they try to help me, i do not listen to em, instead i yell at them, i curse at them, i dont want to be talked out of my misery. I want understanding, but i cannot get it, everywhere ive ever gone, i felt nobody understood me, and the only person who acturally understood me, were a fake all along.
Im shaking near any person now, and i stopped working, i stopped going to the place i go everyday, because i do not feel that i want to make a living, for a life i do no longer desire. Words are sharper than swords for me, and if they arent chosen carefully, i am easily crushed. I think its best for me to hide and live alone untill i carry the bravery, to finally banish myself from this place.
I wish i could say that i feel sorry for my friends, but im not even sure if i can even find that serious anymore, im not even sure if they are my friends at all. I want to open my mouth to speak, but each time i try, i am stuck with "what if" and i start becomming silent.
I had dreams about having friends, its a very small goal, but even that is too much to overcome, i even lost the will to fight even that little.
Ive never been a warrior, and i feel its only fair that not all are, and when i say my life is hard, i am often met with responses of how their life had been hard aswell to "cheer me up" but i refuse to believe, that cases can be the same for 2 individuals, i wont listen to em.
Im not more important thatn anyone else, im not better than anyone else, im just me, but i still feel that so meny around me are more or less equal to each other, than to me. There is so meny things, that even the most tormented soul can, that i cannot. Yes, i can draw, but all i want to, is to have my brain to WANT TO SOCIALIZE but i cannot. Drawing can be taught, but socializing is a will, and a nature that happens automaticly, everyone jsut socialize on common behavior, so everytime i mention how hard it is for me .. its simply met with alien eyes, even from those who pretent to understand or think they understand.
My abiltiy to print my thoughts into words are lacking and its utterly fustraiting, i keep getting questionmarks as if im some dumb individual, but who knows, i might be that aswell.
I struggle where i should live, where others struggle to be happy. This is how i feel, and this is what i see, and this is how ive allways lived my life, struggling to live, but not struggling to be happy. But exactly what is a life, when everything you cared about and kept you going, simply doesnt no more.
I dont care if this finally makes me banned for drama, but i just cannot contain it.
I mean, I'm really open minded and I can be supportive so... If you would want to talk to someone...
I'm just going to leave now, I feel that you would want some peace atm.
I've been where you've been before and it really sucks. All you can do is keep going and learn from bad events that push you towards this. Hopefully no one will try to take advantage of you again, but if so at least you can be ready for it. Sometimes the best thing is to walk way from those people who did bad things to you for good. But you don't have to walk away from your good friends. Generally they can still be trusted.
I was (and still am) a nice being by nature, a lot like how I feel you are. Disappointment with humanity and society, everything I care for being uncertain, and other factors... well they've changed me a lot, and pushed me into being something I'm not. In the same way, I often lash at people or act in disgust even if someone calls my name at the wrong moment. In part due to complete lack of energy, in other part it's because I want nothing to do with anything any more. I have however maintained a rational mind despite all this... which I use to ask myself why some things are the way they are.
The truth is that sometimes, there's just no easy solution. Certain people are born in the wrong place, or dragged into circumstances where they shouldn't be. You must find a way to more or less adapt to it... in my case it happened automatically over the years, although with less good results. I think people like you have a greater purpose and potential to change things toward the better... not to say that people with different natures don't, of course.
In either case, trying to kill yourself is bad! I know others who tried that, failed, and it only made their life worse. Even if you succeeded... well let's say that it would also make things worse for you... if there is a part of you that goes on afterward. That said, also think about the people who care for you... and yes, they exist even if depression is making you think there are none left. So please, don't try such a thing again.
I'm sorry I can't offer more support. I don't know if my cold thoughts and analysis are of any help, but it's all I can really say now. If you wish to talk about anything, please do PM or IM me anytime! Good luck dear.
It's not always easy for me to write what I feel, and If I come off as unfeeling, it's not intentional. I don't know what kind of a belief system you have (if any) but I believe that you were put here for a reason. You are a remarkably talented artist, that is a gift. I think if you were to end your life you'd be robbing everyone of seeing and appreciating that gift forever.
Even though it seems like i dont care, even tho i do not reply, i still read every post. Thanks for the words, i shall try to feed on em and put em to good use.
So I would definitely say I hate socializing too.
It seems to me that you have done just that in this journal, so you're off to a good start.
Humor aside, I understand that you feel like you are being punished for being a "nice guy", for lack of a better term.
As if trusting people only causes you more disappointment, right? I understand that completely because I've experience that same feeling as well.
I use to freeze up when I wanted to speak with or in front of mostly anyone too; afraid that my words lacked coherence.
And I'll tell you this though, I have thoughts about suicide before due prior circumstances with people that I use to trust.
But you know what: I never did it so you and me have another theme in common. XD
Seriously though, GTS, from nice guy to another: I know that you can be happy in this world, because I know that I can be happy as well; but it may take a higher degree of spirit and ambition. You can find sources of happy and contentment if you have the strength to search for them, but you must take that search seriously.
No half-assing, no second-guessing; you must stay true to your goal and this may sound tough, nigh impossible, but I believe you can achieve this.
I believe this because without you, I, and other kind people in this world, a horrible miasma of selfishness and ignorance would engulf this planet.
I hope you will remember that anytime you have doubts in yourself and perhaps draw strength from it, for there are no truer words that I can say from the heart.
Success and happiness are two things that don't come for easy or for free. I had to pass through lots of tears and blood for reaching them. And while -unlike years ago- I say they always can be reached with struggling/fighting, I dont blame anybody who feels that the battle is way too big or difficult. I dont do it because... the battle IS big and difficult. I believed too, when I was struggling, that I would never reach any of them. Eight years later, things are completely different. And while nothing is perfect, I got an equilibrium with my life where good things overcame bad.
Trusting people will lead to disappointment when that people betrays that trust, that is unavoidable, but in every circle there are people who are good. The challenge is to discover who are the good trees you can grow with.
Something that worked for me is setting up short time, realistic goals. Not big things that will take a while (You can, but these could often become a burden if they're too hard), but small simple things. "Today I'm going to visit this." "Today I'll sketch that". "Today I'm doing this". "Today I'm greeting those".
And about greeting, focus in just to greet people. "Hello sir, I just wanted to greet you and say hello, hope you're doing well". That's an awesome beginning and could lead to some good conversation. Socializing can be extremely stressful. Even worse if other people are permanently busy, but often that can mean a big change of mood.
Finally, if nothing of this is working, you can always seek for professional help. I'm wary that this wont sound exactly nice for a lot of people. And it shouldn't be a necessity; I got over my stuff without that. Other people couldn't. But the option exists.
In the end, the best I can say is, look at the replies and the people who cares. You've been disappointed, but there are still nice people worried about you.
I hope you can feel better sometime. Never forget that out there, there are people who will be happy to say "I love you", even if it goes in a non romantic but more in a friendly way.
Im touched. Even when im scraping the buttom, im touched by howmuch faith you have in me, even when i dont have a grain of faith in myself. You truly still belive that i still bring happiness around me, even with such despair im in.
I rarely answer comments on uploads or blogs.. im often stressed or metally drained by things i do each day, too much to come up with good replies. But today i have been doing nothing but sleeping, so ill do my best.
Sometimes it doesnt occour to me.. that ive moved so meny people in my life, even when im told ot directly.. i still keep focussing on alot of negative thoughts, and i dont multitask that well, so i just dwell on it and ignore what my friends tell me.
The first thought that comes to mind it my head when my friends want to help, is ignorance.. i feel annoyed when people try to help me by trying to compare their own life with mine, i even begin lashing out.. quite unnatural to me if i must say myself.
I wish that these comments you wrote today had a greater effect on me, but at least they touched me.
i allways fear becomming a mary sue. And i worry so much about it, that i forget that its okey to be known and loved.. it stresses me more than other things. Worries often gets the best of me, and i truly hope that its not too much of a bother.
I know that this is just another emotional ride, but as every wave, i bed a prey that it will be the last and i will become more happier.. im not religious, but its not required to have faith. Thank you all, ill try my best once more.