Lyrics:

I can't bring myself to leave her
Breaking up would be unpleasant
'Cause it's almost her birthday
And some people might say
I only did it to avoid buying a present
I don't want her friends to hate us
And I've only just changed my Facebook status

Screw it...let's just stay together!

Breaking up is such a faff
I can't stand awkward goodbyes
Breaking up is such a faff
I'll just sweat it out until she dies

I can't bring myself to dump her
Though she really gets on my tits
'Cause we've booked a trip to Pisa
I've put it on my Visa
If I cancel, I'll lose all my deposit
It's easier to stay the same
Than to file a travel insurance claim

Screw it...let's just stay together!

Breaking up is such a faff
I'm too much of an emotional coward
Breaking up is such a faff
Besides we've just picked out a power shower

And answer me this please:
What about all our DVD's?
'Cause baby, I can't stand it if we have to fight,
Over who owns that copy of The Dark Knight

Oh, look: 2 copies of "Dodgeball"...bonus!

Breaking up is such a faff
I just wish that I was dead
Breaking up is such a faff
If I act boring maybe she'll leave instead...


(Then again, you hear lots of interesting stuff about tax breaks for married people...which obviously is worth taking advantage of. And supposedly there's health benefits to being in a long-term relationship. Plus there's a lot to be said for regular, dependable sex...even if it is with someone you find physically repellent.)