my best friend was in jail all week got caught in michigan with an ounce of mushrooms.
I just talked to him he sounded shocked and upset when i told him the truth about how i feel at parties surrounded by every type of drug


i dont think we connect much anymore
because i said a party with 30 people shrooms pot alcohol pills and coke dosnt feel right to me.
he took it harder than my coming out to him


everything is fucked i'm fucked my friends are fucked my family is fucked my life is fucked i cant hold it back anymore the tears are pushing against my ayes harder than ever I want to cry i know its good to but something wont let me the fucking dam is breaking the bombshelter is caving in.


im sorry for the emotional outburst but i cant reach out to anyone

i'm not happy i never truely was and i have more problems than i let people think


can i tell you about everything thats been eating at my life?
sigh
ok get ready

social anxiety in my teenage beginning of life made me depressed cause not only was i afraid to talk to people but i was also gay which added to my fear of rejection


I've always felt a preassure from my great grandmother she always told me i was gonna be a succsesful man a doctor with lovely children. I would be a living american dream.


I i feel like I'm a disapointement in every way to my mother cause i wont be giving her grandchildren i dont believe in god and i think america is a nation blinded by abused rights to pride

i hate kids


no i often find myself fantasizing about slapping the hell out of screaming babies in public places

any way......
I lost innocence at age six due to menal and sexual molestation.
I've been haunted by things from an early age but it never goes away its hooked to chains around my neck my wrists and my ankles and may have a huge part in my social anxiety
also was always frightened of someone shoving a knife up through my matress.


my best friend of 14 years who lived across from me. we were friends since we were three fucking punched me when i told him i was gay

my sister was the devil to me when we were growing up and even made me to believe satan posessed her and i was an ignorant stupid fucking worm and feared for her even when she was strangling me

on top of being molested by my sister and slapped around by my parents.
catholic school added a new preasure.
Be good and get into heaven the priest is here to help but all he did was judge and make you feel worse

and i was young i believed what the priest said was entirely true cause he was a man of god

i saw my dad die twice i saw him beaten beyond recognition once I watched a guy attempt to rape my sister and i stopped him.
people have been bad to me but no matter how bad they are I have been good and helpful but does it matter? no it dosnt cause time after time i got fucked i got jumped and beaten


oh have i been beaten and each time i lost more and more respect for the black man I AM semi prejudice even towards the fellow white devil we all have faults. but dont jump the gun and call me a ignorant racist i hate racism and i even have a black friend who agrees with my prejudice.


i thought i had friends but they threw me into a ring just cause they wanted to see a fight (in school)

i have lost a lot of faith in humanity by my tenth fucking birthday


my sister had a friend she was fucked in the head she stripped me a lot and the first time my best friend came to the campground with me the cunt stripped me in front of him and tried to make me suck her pussy I was fucking 11 at the time and she was 17

not only have i lost faith in humanity by that time but the reasons to hate kept stacking up

i prayed in those days i prayed to god i wanted a miracle but i got more shit.

i told my mom about it told my dad about it they dont really believe it they say i'm making an excuse

and if it did happen its just kids messing around

we act as if it never happened i guess we have a unspoken agreement about her trying to have sex with me and my liking of diapers and tthe diapers thing came before the sexual abuse so throw out the bullshit theory that traumatic experiences create strange sexual desires

if it ever surfaced in a conversation i know for a fact we would never be able to make eye contact or even say hi to eachother

grandma made me sleep in a crib til i was almost ten cause i was small every time i got caught with diapers she broke wooden spoons on my ass and told the whole fucking family what dhe caught me doing

i'm just glad i have someone to tell this to and i'm glad i didnt wander through life blind and ignorant like a religious dick that believes christ is responcible for their destiny


with god anything is possible! THEN GET YOUR HOLY ASS DOWN HERE AND FUCKING DO SOMETHING YOU LAZY FUCKING DOUCHE!


clean up your god given bowel movement and show us a public restrom toilet can shine like the fucking sun!


im happy i can still be creative even when i'm breaking down

shit has never given my family a break even when we come into a lot of money and things look bright somthing happens financiually that fucks it all up

things were looking good the past couple months but when everyone was starting to feel comfortable my mom got into an accident fucked up the new axle on the car some dick dented our truck in several places and today the dog attacked my grandmas nurse and ripped her hand open

he may be getting put down and i dont care i also dont give a fuck about my grandma shes old shes a god damn skeleton with a big humpback she needs to die already

i dont care if i sound heartless i have a fucking right to be like that shes making my family miserable with more debt
i seriously considder smothering her

my aunt who is dying of serosis of the liver fled the hospital didnt pay and is missing and i couldnt give a fuck if you payed me. cause she has stolen my college money and lied to me my whole life shes even come on to me quite sugestively